AHS 6: Chapter One

When my husband and I first bought our house we were super stoked. Being a homeowner, my father told me, was the ultimate goal. He was right. There really is nothing more satisfying than owning your own home. Our first week in the house my husband had a horrible nightmare that a small girl was standing on the side of our bed and when he sat up and looked at her, she gave a blood-curdling scream and then disappeared. He failed to mention the dream to me.  In fact, he JUST told me about it roughly a year ago. He didn’t want me to burn our house down, his words, not mine.

I kept hearing men’s voices and slamming doors down in the basement. When I told my husband about it, he asked me if I went down there to check it out. I told him since there are no doors in our basement, that’d be a big HELL NO! Well, I take that back, there is one door down there. We call it the “gimp room”. It has a rough looking wood door with a big chicken wire window in it. Oh, and it was padlocked shut. Inside the gimp room is a plain cement floor with a drain in it. Not at all creepy. Not. At. All.

Seven years later, my house is my sanctuary. I LOVE my home, and my home loves me. How do I know that? Well, it hasn’t tried to kill me yet and the voices only happen every so often. The door sound doesn’t happen very often and my animals have stopped growling and barking at nothing. I feel so accepted.

But even my house with its “quirks” has nothing on the house from season six of American Horror Story.

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This new season is going to be amazing. All my fave’s are back; Sarah Paulson, Kathy Bates, Angela Basset, Lady Gaga, Dennis O’Hare, and Evan Peters. Also, Cuba Gooding Jr. is joining the cast this year. Weird, right? I know when I think of bloody, twisted, and horrifically graphic shows, I think of the man that brought us Daddy Day Camp and Gifted Hands: The Ben Carson Story.

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I’m not sure yet how I feel about the way this season is being presented to us. The whole true crime documentary style is interesting, but I think I need it to grow on me some.

Also, can we talk about the fact that Cuba is playing Sarah Paulson’s husband in the show? That’s right folks, OJ Simpson and Marcia Clark are married. I told you this show is twisted.

In the season premiere, we watch as Sarah and Cuba try to convince us they really are attracted to each, and at the same time are the dumbest people that have ever existed. Friendly bit of advice y’all: when your new house comes with eery screams, slaughtered pigs, and toothy rainstorms, MOVE.

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Also, I thought we all agreed that when you hear creepy noises, you NEVER GO IN THE BASEMENT! How could Shelby (Paulson) and Lee (Basset) be shocked when they get locked down there and then the power shut off in the house? That’s like creepy bad guy M.O. number one.

At the end of the episode, we watch as Shelby plows into an old woman on the road (this is why you should stay off your phone when you’re driving folks) and then takes a misguided trip into the woods. Because nothing terrible every happens in the middle of the night in creepy fog-shrouded woods, right?

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My husband thinks the rednecks are trying to protect Shelby and Lee; what do you think?

What’s your best guess on this season? Ghost’s? Alien’s? Cult? Wild pig-men?