I could come up with a lengthy and witty intro, but I’m on my way to the Cape and need to get this recap done ASAP. I’m not delaying my weekend day drinking for nothing. Not even Outlander. It’s summertime! I hope you are reading this recap on your phone while sitting on a beach, sipping something coconut-ty.
1. English Dentistry…Still Bad
Claire and her grumpy dental assistant Murtagh set up a Delta Dental practice in the war zone. I can’t even imagine what Scottish plaque looked like in 1743. How do you say, “How often do you floss?” in Gaelic.
2.The Scots are bad at waging war
Jamie, the junior officer, is working hard to sabotage the uprising, trying to prevent Culloden while maybe leading the Highlanders to a worse massacre near London. The bewigged generals – the ones with actual power – are being put in their place by the OG Chickenhawk, Bonnie Prince Charlie. What a cluster.
It’s as if being bad at war is in the Scottish blood. Amirite, General George B. McClellan?
4. Dine and Dash
Jamie loses his sway over Prince Charlie when the generals spirit him away in the dead of night. Dougal is hella pissed because Charlie ordered up a ton of appetizers and cocktails and then bolted right before it was time to pay the check. Oh, and the little Weasel from Weaselton stole Jamie’s horse. What. A. Dick.
We Noticed that, too: Forget Park City or Beaver Creek. My next ski vacation is going to be Scotland. It’s like the Alps! But with fewer French people. Win!
5. Not the Eyeball!
Look. You guys already killed off Angus and Le Comte. And then you let Rupert get shot…in the friggin eyeball?! Jesus Mary and Joseph. No. I had enough eyeball trauma when I watched Game of Thrones. I’m still not over Oberyn. If Rupert dies, Ron D Moore is officially on my shit list, and I am going to sit in front of my bookshelves and make rambling anti-Ron videos and post them on youtube. Shippers? Eh. I’m going after the eyeball rippers.
6. Short Memories
When Jamie, Claire, Dougal, and Long John Rupert (pirate joke) are holed up inside the church, Claire offers to give herself up as a hostage. Dougal and Murtagh (!) both think the soldiers will be great, chivalrous escorts, causing Claire no harm. Only Jamie has any sense. Did we learn nothing from Black Jack Randall? BRITISH SOLDIERS CANNOT BE TRUSTED!
Speaking of short memories,when Claire is taken to town with the soldiers, she runs into that guy. You know. Him. That guy. We are supposed to know him. We know him, right? I don’t know him. Who dat?
Ohhhhh, it’s Hugh. From Season One? Yeah, him. Save the day…you. Hugh.
We noticed that, too: Sketch Artists in 1740s were way better than they are now.
7. This AirBNB sucks
D’oh!
Of all the gin joints/castles in all of northern England, you walk into mine.
Lovely place you got here, Dick of Sandringham.
8. Rape > Murder
This writer should pat Herself on the back, by having Sandringham put high crimes in their proper place. Rape is way better than death because rape is a useful plot device while death is an end.
When Claire notices the port wine birthmark on Sandringhams’s valet, she flashbacks to the night of the attack and Mary’s rape in France. Busted! Sandringham realizes the game is over and confesses that the Comte wanted her murdered. “Be happy we only raped you!” Lucky!
Then Sandringham confesses he has set a trap to help the capture of Red Jamie. Whose side is Sandringham on? Sandringham’s. Duh.
9a. Ugh. Mary is the worst
Mary is a whiny ass titty baby. Even Sandrigham hates her. She will bump uglies with Alex Randall, but the thought of being seen in her shift by a beggar is too much for her. This is a rescue, Mary! Get your shit together. And I don’t believe in hitting people, but Claire should have knocked this bish up side her head.
9b. Mary is the best
Mary grates. But then she channels the Dixie Chicks and decides that Goodbye Earl is her new anthem.
Go Mary. This is what feminism in 1743 looks like.
1o. What’s in the bag?!
In the books, Murtagh dispatches with Sandringham “off screen,” presenting Jamie and Claire with the Duke’s head in bag. It was awesome. On the teevee show, Murtagh dispatches with Sandrigham on screen, with an axe. It was awesomer. With a few swings of an axe, removing Sandrigham’s head, he is avenging Jamie. He is avenging Mary, and he is avenging Claire. Murtagh takes no shit. He will, however, take your head. Lizzie Borden would be proud.
And Jamie’s expression is why I love Jamie. He’s so chill. Like, Yup, that’s my Murtagh.
