Since I’ve been writing on the internet since 2008, I have a ton of internet friends. Most of whom I’ve met IRL at this point, but there are still a few I’ve never met but have “known” for 5 years +! So today, partly because I’m headed out of town and have no time to be creative, and partly because I’ve been feeling so hashtag blessed for my groups of internet friends, I’m sharing you some of the “best of’s” from recent group texts.
The groups referenced here are: ?OutlanderSUX? which was started for our Outlander team to talk about the episode, who is recapping, live tweeting and compliment Tiff on her snaplander snaps. Of course the title of the chat is in jest since we all think Outlander is the best show to have ever been made. Our group chat has turned into a 24/7 life chat about anything and everything. My other 24/7 group chat is called I ❤️ Men Who Sparkle and is only about Twilight. Jk. It also includes names familiar here at TN!
I think I have some of the funniest internet friends around. And I bet these girls are also pretty funny IRL. Except that Heidi– she’s definitely only funny on the internet. Enjoy this peek into the convos from the hilarious and amazing group of women I call my friends:
When you’re about to be murdered in an Uber
Bekah:
Heidi: It was nice knowing you.
Tiff: Bekah do not get in the car with him!! I never uber alone. I’m a chicken
Bekah: I’d never go anywhere!
Tiff: Pick a less rapey looking driver.
Heidi: #Rapey Looking Drivers Matter
Tiff: He’s got murder in his eyes
Julie: He looks like he sniffs the seat after you vacate it
Bekah: Hope he enjoys my unshowered body
During health crises
Nikki: Heidi! Your eye! What’s the update?? (I saw your snap)
Heidi (who has an eye issue because apparently we are supposed to listen to our eye doctors and actually change our contacts, and has been wearing a pirate eye patch) It’s improving but not 100% yet. 2 more weeks of antibiotics and glasses.
Nikki: Glad it’s improving!!
Heidi: Me too! Thanks for asking.
Amy: Just remember that if we lived in 1743 we’d be blind (and probably dead)
Heidi: Def dead. Could be worse.
Nikki: Dear god. I want LASIK but I’m scared and grosses me out
Amy: I want it but I ain’t risk my eyeballs!
Heidi: This whole thing has made me way more aware of how little I care about my eyes usually.
Beth: I know someone who was just regular run of the mill near sighted and she went to get LASIK AND NOW SHE IS BLIND. BLIND YALL
Julie: What the what?!
Heidi: That’s terrifying
Nikki: Omg nooooo
Beth Thorne: She sees like through a haze of Vaseline
Julie: Holy shit, that’s my nightmare
Tiff: Thanks for the terrifying info. I always say if I lived in biblical times I would be the beggar by the temple gates. My family probably would have tossed me out.
Heidi: I’d be an invalid anytime before 1960
Julie: My luck I would have been some destitute prostitute
Beth: Toothless probably over here
Tiff: Blind prostitute
Heidi: I would have made a killing as a wet nurse
Tiff: Every once and a while I forget to take my contacts out before bed and Every time in the morning I wake up and legitimately think the Lord has healed me. I have the greatest faith.
Hashtag single support
Heidi: One of you single girls should take my kids to swim lessons. Hot dads everywhere
Beth: Married hot dads
Heidi: Well yes…that’s probably true. Never mind. You bitches stay away from our husbands.
Beth: ??
Julie: I’m on my way
Tiff: Any single uncles? That’s right up my alley
Julie: In a phone call, I was just told by my mother to “put on lipstick before going to your nephew’s baseball game. There could be some single dads.” This is what my life has come to: picking up single dads at little league on a Friday.
Heidi: If you don’t get a single dad at least make sure you get a fake cheese nachos at the snack bar
Julie: That’s what brings all the boys to my yard.
Beth: Just had those last night at a softball game
Julie: Fake nachos are my downfall. A quarter in, you feel like shit BUT WORTH IT
Amy: When I landed in Dublin I was like “Shepard pie or nachos?” I chose nachos
Julie: Fun fact This routine is required memorization for single girls at a wedding reception:
When we’re on your mind
In Provincetown thinking of you guys
During Social Media Faux Pas
Bekah: When you almost share your 10th grade crushes wife’s status update whom you’re not even friends with …
Nikki: Been there. Almost heart attack
Heidi: There should be a special lurking setting so you can safely stalk someone’s last four years of posts without them knowing. Someone tell the NSA.
Nikki: For Instagram or pics too. I’ve almost liked years old photos
Heidi: IG is the worst because I’ll double tap trying to zoom in like an idiot.
Bekah: Yes
Julie: Same thing on Twitter. I’ve pulled a few Sam Heughan’s before and followed people I didn’t want to follow
Nikki: “Pulled a Sam heughan” ??
Tiff: Like a “training” setting when you’re learning the software at a new job. Stalking setting. We should create an app that makes it happen we’d make millions.
They support your fandom milestones
Karen: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!!!
Julie: Congrats!
Nikki: Jealous!!!! Hahaha Nice work
Bekah: Oh god you’re gonna get to have sex with him now so jelly* ? ?
Karen: ????? ???
Nikki: But only if it’s ON an American Airlines plane
Karen: Mile high club!
Julie: You mean Virgin Airlines ?
Karen: That ship sailed a long time ago
*obviously this joke works because we all know that the ultimate goal of fans interacting with celebs on social media is so that they eventually get to have sex with them.
Live Texting Movie Reviews
Bekah: I’ve hit a new low. I just turned on the Christian mingle movie. Which I had saved in my Netflix list
Tiff: Lol. What is it called
Bekah: Christian mingle, the movie
Tiff: Oh haha.
Bekah: Have you not seen the trailer? Oh man…
Julie: Does it have the girl from Party of Five? If so, that was filmed in Turlock where I teach
Tiff: I’m going to YouTube right now to find it
Bekah: I don’t know, Julie, sh’e’s from mean girls to me
Bekah:
That’s amazing
Tiff:
Bekah: This movie is so bad so far Is this where you live Julie? Kinda cute little downtown
Julie: That’s Turlock. It’s fantastic
Bekah: Oh. Cute. Nice Christian men there
Julie: God’s work happens in Turlock
Tiff: You must let me know if she comes to know and love the Lord. I suspect she does
Bekah: I suspect that as well.
*Sadly I never finished the movie. It was So So bad.
Thus concludes my excuse to re-read hilarious text strings from my friends for a post today. Find an internet friend and hug her online today, okay?
