We are still feeling it. Unless you are one of those smug-butts who saw this coming as soon as casting notices for Season 3 came out. I see you, over there on message boards making spoiler threads about this season’s Big Bad. You were right. Enjoy your smug cake. I’ll be crying tears over my I Saw It But Didn’t Want to Believe It Salad.
If you haven’t seen episode 2, Predators Far and Near, you may want to quit reading now. SPOILERS.
Despite the fact that I can only really focus on Dr. Sweet and Vanessa, their cuteness and then that heartbreaking reveal, there were other things going on in this episode. Awesome things. Things that must be talked about. So.
Dorian and Lily Adopt
Like any conscientious couple shopping for a new pet, Dorian and Lily made the decision to adopt. Of course, their pet is an actual human woman, so in order to adopt her they had to fake their illustrious way into some Victorian Eyes Wide Shut nonsense, act out their best BDSM Bonnie and Clyde and do about a million murders to “save” her from her captors.
This scene messed me up a lil’ bit. Like I knew they were gonna get crazy this season and throw some murder parties, but IDK I guess I wasn’t expecting the creepy dukes and marquesses with their leering lecher faces being the first victims. Thought they were gonna keep it in house. I LOVE the way this is headed though … that in becoming terrible versions of themselves, Lily and Dorian are righting wrongs. Sort of.
Anyway, wide-eyed Justine is in for a TIME.
Rusk vs Ostow
We head back to the American west with a reminder that every single one of those US Marshals was hot … because they’re still hot in their coffins, but the story here is Rusk vs Marshal Ostow. This is an interesting little show down. On a show full of supernatural creatures and man-made monsters, these two law enforcement officers should be pretty tame. But they’re showing a little bit of alpha posturing, and I’m interested to see where it goes once they get on the desert road to find Ethan. Spoiler: one-armed Rusk is gonna KICK ASS.
Maybe Dr. Seward should start note-taking
When we catch up with Vanessa for the first time in this episode, she’s right on time for her first official appointment with Dr. Seward. Renfield has zero game and instead of playing it cool, has his super eager and crazy face on as soon as she enters the room. But that’s pretty par for the course as far as Renfield goes. Zero chill. That’s the whole character.
In the inner office, Dr. Seward brings out a few recording cylinders and the scratchiest phonograph of all time because that’s not gonna bother hand-scratching Vanessa at all. Vanessa is, understandably, wary of being recorded. Permanent record of your shame and foolishness? Sounds like our Hangout Channel.
But Vanessa buckles down and tells Dr. Seward everything … I’m assuming she gives her the nitty gritty – demon hunting and being possessed by Amunet and courted by Satan. You know, typical psychotherapy stuff. But warns her first: this is gonna haunt your dreams. In other words, you are going to think I am 100% crazy or you are going to go crazy yourself. Blue pill or red pill?
When we get back to them a few scenes later, the three or four cylinders that Dr. Seward brought out with her have not been nearly enough. She used a baker’s dozen recording Vanessa’s tale. And they both look worn out with it.
Stoic Dr. Seward needs a hefty smoke, and after Vanessa leaves, she needs a hefty moment.
Again, Patti Lupone kills it in this moment: startled and shocked and saddened, she can’t stomach what Vanessa has confessed to her. But is it because she’s shocked over all Vanessa has endured, or is it sadness at how crazy she seems and what she might have to do to cure her?
Speaking of Crazy
Victor and Henry hetero-life-mate it out at brunch while we find out more about Henry’s backstory: an untouchable mother and a terrible father and a job at Bedlam! You know what? I bet that makes for a super stable best bro for Victor. He even doles out nutrition advice. You should definitely listen to everything he says.
They make it through the bowels of Bedlam to Henry’s lab, where he forces dissidents who will never see the light of day into jaundice and eczema and irritation just so he can inject them with some Willy Wonka Fizzy Lifting Drink in some whack-a-doodle Extreme Makeover. I mean, Victor says the patient/victim is “violently deranged at least” and I don’t know … maybe it’s the ball gag? He can’t say his safe word and remind y’all that coca-cola injections to the jugular are one of his hard limits. And this is what they want to do to Lily to return her to newborn state? Looks legit.
In the meantime, Lily and Dorian have seduced Justine into their sexy revenge game, but Victor doesn’t know that. He’s pining for Lily outside her window like Freddy from My Fair Lady. I actually sang, “On the Street Where You Live” while he was looking up at her. Lily surprised me coming down and well … not murdering her erstwhile creator. She flips the script on him by being merciful, promising him that his life would be better without her, that she created him in a way by being his first love. It was a tender moment from such a terrible dynamic. And gee, I wonder if he’ll take her advice.
Nope. He’ll definitely mansplain himself out of this one.
We’re on a Boat!
Kaetenay and Malcolm are making the longass trek across the Atlantic to find Ethan, but K-dog has got a direct line to his dreamscape, so he goes and invades, reminding us of what I said last week that Kaetenay is kiiiiiiiind of a dick. I have yet to figure out this relationship. Is Kaetenay a wolf … are all Apache wolves and that’s why he tells Ethan that he’s the “Apache we need”? They’ve clearly got baggage, but Ethan does not seem predisposed to unpack it.
Seriously, K-dog. He hates you. Like beware.
The encounter unnerves Ethan. He knows he’s on his way to a reckoning with his pops, whom he MOVED TO ENGLAND in order to avoid, so you have to assume that he doesn’t either WANT to kill his dad or believe he’s capable of it. But it doesn’t matter, because the moon is out, and Ethan goes wolf and destroys a tavern full of dudes, including the ones taking him to his father. But dumb naked Hecate is there getting all mooney-eyed over the Lupus Dei, and he lets her live. Blergh. Go back to Vanessa please. Because Lord knows, she needs it.
This ship is not sound
And now we get down to it. I have so much to say and basically it all boils down to: Dr. Sweet is Dracula, and I am sad. I was shipping it, I was shipping it hard and knowing that this is going to be Vanessa’s demon this season leaves me simultaneously sad and scared. And I was SO sure they were going to go in a different direction with Dracula. Look at this sweet, summer innocence in text form between me and my friend (before the episode 2 reveal):
Basically, it’s this –
Her: Beth, he’s bad.
Me: No, he’s so ADORABLE.
Her: But like, he can’t be nice. He’s too nice.
Me: He’s a bumbly bunny.
Her: Well, maybe? But …
Me: I mean, people online think he’s Dracula but they’re dummies.
Her: …
So sue me for wanting Vanessa to have a little ray of happy zoologist sunshine in her life. A normal man.
PUPPIES!
Of course all the signs were there. He is too nice. He seems aloof, but sidles up to her in their first meeting without a sound. He requires the tiger’s eyes to have a “sense of nocturnal danger” (which he should ask Vanessa about; she’d tell him to put mirrors behind the eyes. OMG THE METAPHORS!). He’s basically whispering, “Beware, danger, danger, beware” to her at every encounter.
But there are misdirections too. His niceness seems genuine. He’s gainfully employed during the DAY in the most mundane place in London. When he receives Vanessa’s invitation, he chuckles, alone and amused. There is no unreliable narrator there, no reason for him to hide his true reaction. He is genuinely charmed by her. They go on the cutest Victorian date of all time.
And of course, all of this serves to tighten the knife even further in our backs when he reveals himself at the end of the episode.
*a million tear emojis*
After all, Dracula is a master seducer. He drew us in the same way he drew Vanessa in: spider to the fly. He gave her exactly what she needed, a respite. Lightness when her world has been nothing but dark. This season is all about duality, and Dr Sweet/Dracula is no exception. We’ve seen the best of who he is, and we will no doubt see the worst as well. It’s going to so much fun and UGH IT’S GOING TO HURT SO GOOD.
But oh, Vanessa, if only you hadn’t burned that crucifix!
What were your favorite parts of Predators Far and Near? Are you disappointed or excited about Dr. Sweet? Do you think Dr. Seward believes Vanessa or not? When will we see Ethan’s butt again?
