Anthropomorphic foam insulation and Republican Presidential nominee Donald Drumpf last week accused Hillary Clinton of playing the “Woman Card” in the race for the White House.
I’m a woman. I searched my purse, computer bag, and coat pockets. What did I find? Eight sets of earbuds, a Hamilton, five euros, and one pack of Sour Patch Kids. What didn’t I find? My Woman Card.
What is this Woman Card? Does Circus Peanut Drumpf consider the birth certificate to be the Woman Card? (And we all know Donald is very concerned about birth certificates.) Does the Woman Card come free in your first box of Always? Do you have to send away for it? Is it like Triple A? Will it get me discounts at Disney and roadside assistance?
What if the Woman Card was an actual card, like a rewards card? Like a Capital One Venture Card, but with less annoying commercials and no Jennifer Garner baby talk.
The Capital One Woman Card
How do you get a Woman Card? Applying is easy: be a woman. Once you have the card, how do you earn Woman Card Rewards? The list is 37 pages long, but here are a few examples.
Earn unlimited reward points for:
- Gyno visits
- Giving birth
- Hearing your co-worker Scott complain about how your maternity leave is burdening him
- Paying sales tax on tampons and pads
- Cat calls
- Receiving a tweet or email from a dude that says “Well, actually…”
- When Mel Gibson calls you “sugar tits”
Bonus rewards for:
- Breastfeeding
- Bottlefeeding
- Hearing the words “female gaze”
- Seeing unnecessary sexual violence on Game of Thrones
- Being accused of putting a dude in the Friend Zone
- When you feel mommy guilt
- Enduring a child’s soccer game
- Being questioned on your love of Regency romance
- Mammograms
- Bathroom lines
- Hair removal (include shaving, waxing, laser, and threading)
Get Your card
The Woman Card comes in four feminine styles. Take your pick!
Redeem your points
So now that you have started to earn Woman Card rewards, how are you going to redeem them?
I asked some of the gals here at That’s Normal what they would acquire with their points:
Beth: Easy orgasms
Julie: Jennifer Anistons’ arms
Heidi: Supplement my income because of the wage gap. And to never make dinner again.
Bekah: The ability to eat limitless sugar AND have a thigh gap
I have some ideas as well. If I earn points just for being a woman and enduring the bullshit that comes with it, I would want:
- Personal sushi chef
- A Roomba
- A monthly pedicure with foot massage, to distract me from the fact that I’m retaining water like Sponge Bob and my boobs have painfully grown to the size of cantaloupes, the worst fruit on the planet
- A “go eff yourself” mulligan at work. You know Ted, in marketing? The guy who talks down to you and then just rewords everything you say at meetings, trying to take credit for ideas? Once a month, you are allowed to tell Ted to “go eff yourself” with no consequence
- Hugs from my daughter
- The cure to puffy eyes
- No more Donald Drumpf
Give me my Woman Card. I’m ready to swipe!
