Come and knock on our doooooooor
Jamie’s waiting for youuuuuu
Where the kisses are his and his and hers
Outlander Season Twoooooo
In the intro images, we still get the stag. We still get the sutures and needle on the love handle. And then we get this thing:
Each time I see this, I have the same reaction my daughter Ruby (then age 4) had when she spied me waxing my legs. “WHY YOU DO THAT TO YOURSELF?!” I’m not sure what medical problem this hammer and nail is solving, but when I see anything related to bones or broken bones, I need my safe word (Betty White). If Ruby ever breaks her arm, we are gonna have to call two rescue wagons. One for her and one for her catatonic mother. I. Cannot.
Top Ten Moments from Outlander, Not in Scotland Anymore
#1 Heavy Flow
Episode 202 opens with what every Outlander fan wants: seksy times between Jamie and Claire. I’m always genuinely interested in the choices actors makes during love scenes. “What is my come face?” “What does my character sounds like when she reaches climax?” Caitriona Balfe has decided that when Claire finds la petit mort, she sounds like an asthmatic who just inhaled a pile of dust after a jog. Claire needs Jamie and Advair Diskus…stat.
But alas, this is a dream sequence and Jamie swaps out Claire’s body for that of Black Jack Randall. Jamie channels his inner Wes Craven and stabs BJR over and over again until they are both covered in a bloody mess. At first I thought, that looks like Carrie. But then I thought, it’s like Flashdance but instead of water, it’s blood. SPLASH! And gag.
#2 La Grenouille
Master Raymond is everything I wanted him to be. He’s a toad in a wig with a sense of humor who immediately takes a liking to Claire. And since the enemy of Master Raymond’s enemy – the Comte St. Germain – is Master Raymond’s friend, I expect these two masters of herbs to be tight throughout the season.
#3 You get a dildo! And you get a dildo!
Before there was Cialis and couples lounging in bathtubs, there have been dildos. And in the brothels of Paris, they have them for rent or purchase. Got a bad FICO credit score? Rent-to-own a piece of veiny ivory! That’s how Fingerhut began.
Real talk: the scene in the brothel was a bit too long. It was almost 10 minutes total. In that time, I got a little bored, sending 5 tweets and 11 snaps. But there were some good parts.
First, the juxtaposition between Bonnie Prince Charlie and Jamie is so telling. Charles is a whiny sniveling turd with an off putting speech pattern. In contrast, we get the Jamie we love. Competent Jamie. Smart Jamie. Angling Jamie. And dayum, the chin dimple in the candle light! Sploosh.
Second, we get to see Murtagh waxing poetic about his beloved Scotland followed by his saying in Gaelic what we are all thinking. “Not too late to slit his throat.” Kill Charlie now, Jamie, and then spend the rest of the season trying to get a menage going with Claire and Le Comte St. Germain. I’d watch that.
#4 Meet Mary Hawkins
We get to see Mary Hawkins for the first time. But I feel like I’ve seen her somewhere before?
h/t to Julie for pointing out the similarity
#5 HoneyNOT
A hairless mound is de rigueur, and the French aristocracy are so rich, the aestheticians make house calls. The wax…it’s so warm and so comforting going on. You know what else is warm and comforting? Opium. Wasn’t that available on every corner back then? No reason to get an 18th century wax without drugs, IMHO.
So let’s talk about what happens post-wax. THIS WAS THE ONE SCENE I was most looking forward to, and I think the writers totally blew it. This scene is one of the best in Dragonfly in Amber. It needed no tweaking. None. Zero.
The “honeypot” scene was a chance to remind viewers why Claire loved Jamie. He has an innocence that is compelling. He has a sense of humor that is contagious. And he loves every inch of Claire, including her pubic hair. To turn this into a reminder that Jamie was raped and still healing felt clunky and disappointing.
And speaking of healing, a minor quibble. As someone who gets her honeypot waxed, I call shenanigans on Claire being all “Come feel this, baby.” The only thing you want touching your mound after you’ve had the hairs ripped from the follicle is the atmosphere and Finipil.
#6 The Red Dress
That’s a pretty red dress Claire has on there. It’s very on trend. It’s what me and Tim Gunn call the Open Heart Surgery Dress.
#7 Frahhhhhhnce
We’re in France, dahling. It’s so rich and lush. And expensive. And grand.
Can you imagine the canoodling that goes on behind all those trees?
Actual Tourism Board slogan
#8 #KingLouisCantTakeAnEpicShit
I can’t imagine anything worse than being constipated with an audience. Poor Louis. The piles le roi must have. Ouch. No wonder he’s grumpy. He can’t drop a numbre deux.
We all know what’s binding…le fromage. More porridge, less Camembert.
#9 Is it cold in here?
Forget the red dress. The dress we were all waiting to see in Season 2 was the “pierced nipples dress,” donned by the King’s lover. Would they go there? Oh yes, they went there. If I had firm titties like that actress, I might be doing the exact same thing at my next event. Nevermind that my next event is a PTA meeting at Ruby’s school.
Jamie is an ass man. There is now no question what kind of man Murtagh is. Bewb man.
#10 Black Jack has a brother
After his nightmare in the opening scene, Claire tells Jamie, “Black Jack Randall is dead.” Whoops! He ain’t.
The Duke of Sandringham (bastard!) introduces Claire to his new intern, Alexander Randall, who happens to be the brother of one Jonathan Randall, also known as Satan, also known as Black Jack Randall. Alex tells Claire that he recently received a post from his brother, who is impervious to death by cow and only “suffered wounds in the line of duty.”
BJR IS ALIVE! Jamie is gonna lose his everloving mind, y’all.
Claire is obviously shaken, as fireworks start to boom out in the gardens. What an explosion, indeed.
