3 years ago to almost this very day Nikki wrote the post That’s Not a Thing: Coachella Fashion which included the great line:
Crochet? Yes. Fringe? Yes. Weird thigh jewelry? Yes (what is that?). Feathers? Yes. Acid washed denim yeast infection producing shorts? Yes. Extra douche points for the facepaint!
Coachella- 6 days of music (supposedly), sun, food trucks, drinks, exclusive parties and friends you pretend to like in the desert of California sounds like a great idea. In fact, I remember when Coachella was THE BEST music festival around. To be honest, Coachella probably still has one of the BEST line-ups of musicians over two weekends. Three years ago in her post, Nikki argued that Coachella Fashion is not a thing because Coachella is a music festival. But now, in 2016 I’m here to update you on what Coachella is NOT. It is not a music festival. It is lost the right to be known primarily as one.
Let me tell you what Coachella is:
Coachella is like a runway of high-end fashion only suitable for 6 days in the desert while you pretend to listen to bands but are really standing in line for the bathroom, or a high-end South Bach Miami girls weekend in the 70s (if that was even a place to frequent back then).
Looking at the pictures from Nikki’s Coachella post 3 years ago, the fashion hasn’t changed a bit. It’s only gotten more expensive and more accessible to purchase said “Coachella Fashion” everywhere.
You can tell by her hot legs that she’s totally into LCD Soundsystem.
Coachella is a place to be seen if that’s your thing. Or desperately try to be seen if you’re not cool enough to be seen.
I googled “Celebrities Boycotting Coachella” really really hoping to see a nice list of celebs who I just KNOW wouldn’t be caught dead there (like Amal Clooney, Jennifer Lawrence, Stephen Colbert and Yoko Ono) but sadly I only came across this list of Celebrities who Go to Coachella every year.
Stop me if I name someone who surprises you:
- Kendall Jenner
- Kate Bosworth
- Paris Hilton
- Jared Leto
- Kellan Lutz
- Vanessa Hudgens
- Katy Perry
- Lindsey Lohan
Coachella is a place for brands to advertise to you through scantily clad celebrities
THIS TOTALLY NOT SPONSORED BY LOUIS VITTON
Coachella is a place for you to feel super important because you got into an exclusive party thrown by Red Bull or some drink no one who got into the party has ever actually tasted.
Coachella is a place for you to sport feathers and fringe and pretend its something that is your “Style” any other day of the year
Coachella is a place to show off your body
A photo posted by Eric Buss (@theonlyebuss) on
And have hot dudes thrust in your face who look like this but DEFINITELY like the hot dude next to them more than you.
Coachella is the reason people use to excuse why they look like an idiot in a flower crown
I like a good flower crown- on a flower girl in an outdoor spring wedding. And while there were .02% of lifestyle bloggers who in 2007 legitimately wore flower crowns because they were “different and unique,” everyone still wearing them is just pretending they’ve always been into flower crowns. Free People sells a $128 flower crown. Snapchat had a Flower Crown filter this weekend:
You have not “always” liked flower crowns.
Actually on a quick peek at the #Coachella hashtag on Instagram (only go there if you want to hate being human) flower crowns are TOTALLY Coachella 2010-2015. These two girls are clearly Coachella-virgins and only paid for the “entry level” weekend tickets. Poor things.
Coachella is a place for you to drop at minimum $399 for a weekend pass, plus whatever it costs for a hotel (ugh, you THINK you’re getting into hot parties after sleeping in a tent? Hell no) transportation, drinks, food, and more. OR starts at $799 for the VIP passes which get you better bathroom lines.
Hmm actually sounds cheaper than SDCC *reconsiders all my life’s choices*
Coachella is apparently the event that a bunch of NYC-area moms drop $10,000-$20,000 prepping for in clothes, liposuction, stylists and more.
THEY GOT LIPOSUCTION TO GO SWEAT IN THE DESERT. No really, this is a thing. I read about it in the New York Post.
Coachella is the reason for a new Victoria’s Secret product line. I couldn’t help but notice that Victoria’s Secret just “happened” to drop an ad campaign for their new bra just in time for Coachella. It seems they have “suddenly” realized that not every woman wants a push up bra and to be “measured” by a sales associate and told that her “been a 34b since 1999” is actually a 32DD. And that some women are okay with less support or, god-forbid, looking flat-chested but totally comfy, so they are “Introducing the bralette” to the world (like no one knew about that before your ad, Vickies.)
She’s just there for the music. PROMISE (and to make sure bralettes suddenly skyrocket in price and popularity)
We have friends who go to Coachella. I bet a lot of nice people who go to Coachella. They don’t go to exclusive parties or wear (too much) boho and get liposuction the week before. They actually go because they like music.
But the rest of the crowd? They’re attending high-end celebrity fashion show in the desert.
That’s why I say #Nochella.
What do you think? Is Coachella the worst?
PS: I wrote this from the comfort of my sweatpants that I’ve worn for the majority of the last two days. Judge away. I can handle it.