And then there are those movies that end, and all you can do is sit in your theater seat with your $15 popcorn and ask yourself, “What just happened? Did I like that? Did I hate that? Who am I? I need the the truth!”
Welcome to how I felt about Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice.
Although critics blasted the Man of Steel sequel (29% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes), audiences flocked to see The Dark Knight attempt to smack down The Man of Steel. Some came out of the theater excited for the next installment (yes, there’s going to be more) while others wanted director Zack Snyder’s head on that damn kryptonite spear.
Being that it’s been almost a week since I’ve seen BvS, I’ve had time to digest and breakdown what I liked and what made me want to build that damn time machine.
I’m going to warn you now: If you have yet to see the film and plan on seeing Batman v. Superman, there’s going to be a few spoilers in the rest of this post. Or, you can read it and think of it as preparation for what’s to come when you do see it.
The Good: Ben Affleck
Go ahead and make fun of me, but I actually think Ben Affleck did a pretty damn good job as Bruce Wayne/Batman. Sure, were some of his lines awful? You bet. But the guy can act. He was able to convey the rage and power of a man burdened and driven by his grief.
Also, there is an amazing workout montage that made me fall in love with Ben Affleck’s back muscles. Seriously. I want them.
Here’s where I think lies the problem for Ben: Christian Bale. Of all the actors to don the Batsuit, he was certainly the best. It’s been almost four years since Bale permanently took off the cowl, and in my opinion, that wasn’t enough time to give diehard Batman fans a chance to crave a new version. Fans wanted that Batman back on the big screen, and it didn’t happen.
But for me, Ben Affleck came a close second to Christian Bale in the Batman universe. C’mon. Even George Clooney would agree with me on that.
If anything, be happy that he’s in this movie because Ben Affleck gave us this amazing moment with Sad Affleck:
The Good: Henry Cavill
Here at That’s Normal, we’re no stranger to the beauty that is Henry Cavill.
He is the Man of Steel. Only Henry Cavill could make blue tights and high red boots look like walking porn. Confession: I actually find him hotter as Clark Kent than Superman.
And in this movie, we get to see Clark the civilian, shirtless with only low slung sweat pants on and making eggs. (Go ahead and insert the old pick-up line: “You know how I would like you to make my eggs? Fertilized.” I’m not joking, Henry.) We get to see Clark as the boyfriend we all want (more on Lois Lane later because sister, I have a bone to pick with you).
And yes, the movie overdoes it with the Christ-like comparisons – especially the last scene – but if my house is being consumed by a flood and I need an alien from another planet to rescue me, please Lord, let it be something that looks like him.
The Good: Wonder Woman
For me, one of the most exciting moments – other than shirtless Clark making eggs and shirtless Bruce Wayne’s CrossFit regimen – was the introduction of Wonder Woman.
She’s the quintessential femme fatale: she’s strong, doesn’t need a man to protect her and maintains perfectly coifed beach curls while attempting to save mankind from a eunuch creature.
Her theme song is also now on my jogging playlist.
Okay, on to the bad and this is your final warning: there will be spoilers in this.
The Bad: Holy Plot Holes, Batman!
I get that in a movie this size, there are going to be intentional plot holes that will most likely serve as foreshadowing and will be answered in future films. (A little trivia for your Friday: supposedly there are going to be at least 10 more DC Comic films and hopefully at least one of them will have Henry Cavill shirtless and eating those damn eggs.)
But my first problem with BvS was that the plot holes were not intentional but rather the effect of either poor screenwriting, editing, or even both. And the questions that were left should have been answered in a film that clocked in at 2 hours and 31 minutes.
Rather than go through each and every plot hole (which some websites have dedicated pages to), here’s just a few of the problems:
Plot Hole #1: Lex Luthor’s Motivation
Even people like me, who are not your diehard super fans, know that Lex Luthor is one of Superman’s greatest adversaries. But in this film, we’re never told why Lex Luthor wants to destroy both Batman and Superman. All we know is that he wants to pit each man against the other and destroy whoever comes out on top.
We are given this little clue:
We know better now, don’t we? Devils don’t come from hell beneath us. No, they come from the sky.
But that’s it. We are given no other indication as to why this man wants to destroy two separate men.
Plot Hole #2: Where Did He Get That Information?
Let’s face it: the purpose of this movie was to set the foundation of the future Justice League films. The title even has the most obvious clue that this is just the beginning.
So, it’s no shock to see surveillance footage of The Flash rescuing a store clerk from a would-be robber, Aquaman swimming out of what I’m hoping is the Titanic, Cyborg and the worst father ever, and a picture of Wonder Woman standing next to Chris Pine.
The shock is that the film never discloses how Lex Luthor comes across this information. What did he do? Google search? Look up Linkedin profiles?
And in the confrontation with Superman, he calls him by his “human” name and uses both Lois Lane and Martha Kent as bait. How did he figure it out? Is he the only person who took a look at the mild manner reporter and think, “If you just take off the glasses…”?
Dear Doubter, The glasses are good enough. Regards, Superman #WhoWillWin #Superman
A video posted by Henry Cavill (@henrycavill) on
Plot Hole #3: Lois Lane’s Sense of Direction
During the ridiculous climactic fight between Batman and Superman in an abandon building in Gotham, just as Batman’s going to shank Superman with a kryptonite spear, Lois comes in and stops the fight.
What the hell? Was she using her Find Friends app on her IPhone and saw Clark’s location? Did she see a trail of shattered glass and concrete rubble and think, “That looks familiar. Oh, Clark. Not again”?
Hey, Siri? Can you find my boyfriend right now? He’s getting his alien ass kicked by a grown man dressed up as a giant bat.
The Bad: Paging Dr. Freud. We Have Some Dreams to Interpret
Shakespeare once wrote, “We are such stuff as dreams are made on.” Clearly BvS screenwriters took this to heart and killed it (and I don’t mean in a good way).
I get it: dream sequences are from Writing a Screenplay 101: How to show character’s true feelings. But this film had not just one dream sequence, it had too many to count, especially for Bruce Wayne.
It opened with a dream sequence and there was even a dream within a dream at one point.
Either Bruce Wayne needs to take some heavy melatonin or he needs to have some psychoanalysis therapy stat.
The Bad: Yo’ Mama
It’s the moment that the film’s title is promising: the versus. The Dark Knight of Gotham taking on The Man of Steel. How will it end? Who will come out the victor? Who is going to forever lord it over the other’s head, “Remember when I kicked your ass?”
So after less than ten minutes of punching each other in the face, throwing the other person in the air, and smashing through concrete buildings, what stops the fight?
Bruce and Clark’s mamas both have the same name. That’s right. That’s what essentially stops the fight.
My mom’s name is Janice. I’m pretty sure that if I research past maniacal dictators, I would find maybe one or two whose mothers were also either named Janice or had a variation of it. Does that mean I have to be best friends with them? Is this how it works?
In my opinion, it was a lame reason to stop punching each other. A better reason would have been if they were wrestling around and “accidentally” kissed each other.
Don’t judge me.
The Bad: Lois Lane
Let me just start off by admitting that I actually do like this version of Lois Lane. She’s not an idiot: she knows that the man in the cubicle next to her (and in this movie, in the bathtub with her) is Superman.
My issue is that she is a terrible girlfriend.
The love of your life just rescued you from an African warlord, and Congress believes that he overstepped his boundaries by killing an entire village in the process of rescuing you (Spoiler of the spoiler: he didn’t because Superman doesn’t use guns) and what do you do to thank him? You draw yourself a bath. You couldn’t, I don’t know, write a piece in which you explain to readers that he didn’t kill those people. It’s not like you work for a newspaper. Oh, wait.
(And when he jumped, fully clothed, in the tub with you, the least you could have done, Lois, was ripped off his shirt and let us all marvel in the wonder of his upper body muscles. So selfish.)
He’s then the sole survivor of a bombing at a senate committee hearing, is outside on your terrace of your hotel room, visibly distressed over what transpired and his place in the world, and you let him fly away. You know what would have been better? Take his mind off his troubles with what I call Eve’s Natural Solution if you catch my drift. Sure, it would probably last less than ten minutes and the first eight is you attempting to get off his suit, but give the guy something.
Now this is an appropriate response.
Finally, the man you love is about to save the world and possibly sacrifice himself in the process. He looks at you, tells you he loves you and that you are his world before flying off towards inevitable disaster. What do you say?
Nothing. Did you just Jack Dawson him?
The least you could have done was made out with him. I would be making out with his face every shot I had: asking me about my day, getting the oil changed in the car, doing taxes. Pretty much anything that would require either my breathing or heartbeat would be dedicated to making out with Superman/Clark Kent.
That’s it: I’m shipping Clark and me together.
