So it’s perfect that our favorite Spence alum, Gwyneth Paltrow, is selling goop beauty on her goop blog. Never capitalize the G, you peasants.
Think of all the ways that Gwyneth has helped us.
- She has shown us how to steam our vaginas.
- She has helped us divorce in a polite manner. When Emily Post dumped Mr. Post, she only wishes she had consciously uncoupled.
- And she taught us the best way to cook that New York slice.
We’ve got a wood-burning pizza oven in the garden — a luxury, I know, but it’s one of the best investments I’ve ever made.”
LUXURY. Yassssss. I love luxury. I know luxury. I recently took the most amazing post-massage nap at the Miami Edition Spa, where I lit’rally drooled all over a white twill sofa. I oooze luxury out of my gaping maw.
You would think I was the the perfect audience for Gwynnie’s luxury beauty line.
goop by Juice Beauty skincare nurtures your skin with powerful organic ingredients
infused into high-tech formulas that deliver immediate and ongoing results
Who knows about infusing and nuturing your skin with organic ingredients? Duh. Gywneth! I mean, have you seen her bio on IMDB?
A tall, wafer thin, delicate beauty, Gwyneth Kate Paltrow was born in Los Angeles
Luxury. Tall. Delicate. Wafer. Thin. Goop.
Gwyneth wants you to buy her $100 lotions and potions and goop so she can buy more throw pillows for her Sag Harbor manse. Trust me. You can find better stuff – CHEAPER STUFF – that probably works just as well. I don’t need to finance Gwyenth’s Tracy Anderson workouts that allow her to stay wafer thin.
You can buy goop or you can listen to the No Duh Institute for Good Skin Stuff.
Face Wash
goop Luminous Melting Cleanser, $90
or
Cetaphil Gentle Skin Cleanser, $6.59. My good friend Megan once gave me great advice: Never spend a lot of money on something you are just going to wash down the drain. I’m no beauty expert (besides being naturally gorgeous and luminous), but that $90 goop cleanser is something you are washing down the drain. Wash your face with a Cetaphil and then apply a good salicylic acid. Face is clean.
Lotion
goop Revitalizing Day Moisturizer, $100
or
Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion, $26. The yellow stuff is the Birkin bag of face cream. A CLASSIC. Yet you can afford it and there is no waiting list. And if you have eczema like me, you can wear it and not scratch your face off.
Scrub
goop Exfoliating Instant Facial, $125
or
St. Ives Apricot Scrub, $1.39. Again, most of this you are just washing down the drain. Scrub your face with St. Ives and then rub some lavender oil on your temples. That’s my “No Duh” facial.
Eye Cream
goop Perfecting Eye Cream, $90
or
Water, from the tap. I’ve tried every eye cream on the planet. The only thing to get rid of bags is sleep and water and more sleep. I’m an insomniac camel.
Night Cream
goop Creme de Nuit, € 81.75
or
Estee Lauder Advanced Night Repair, $155
Okay, so the Estee Lauder is more expensive. I’m a freckle face who spent her formative years baking in the South Carolina sun. I’m 42, but thanks to Advanced Night Repair, I only look 41. MIRACLE BEAUTY SERUM.
Face oil?
goop Enriching Face Oil, $110
or
Coconut Oil, $10.79
Oil is like lube. And if you need lube, you might as well buy one you can use from your rooter to your tooter. Who doesn’t want their bits to remind people of a pina coloda or getting caught in the rain?
