Yes. This was an actual petition.
Of course many people tune in for the big game, to see the top two teams throw a ball and crush each other just to get a massive ring, a trophy that defines phallic symbol, and the chance to tell everyone that they’re going to Disneyland!
And there are others that just tune in to see if Beyonce will cause an electrical blackout while droppin’ it like it’s hot and the commercials.
I’m a part of the others.
Let me just cut to the chase: if I was in charge of the remote, we would be fast forwarding the game and breaking down those commercials like Bob Costas complete with me writing dirty words my analysis on the screen. And yes, I would totally rock a headset microphone and it would look fabulous.
But rather than wait around for Sunday and knowing that people will be heading off to the bathroom or refueling at the nacho bar, many companies have released their ads early and so far, Super Bowl 50 (because roman numeral L, according to the NFL, looks absurd) is all about star power.
So, if you impatient just like me, here are just a few of the ads you will see on game day. Go ahead and paint your face!
Or take a selfie with your sorority sisters and completely ignore the game.
The Bud Light Party
This past few months, Americans have been faced with the difficult choice of who will lead the country for the next four years: a real estate mogul with a haircut that looks like the aftermath of a Flowbee accident, a former secretary of state who just wanted to check her email, Larry David.
But Bud Light is ready to throw their hat into the caucus circus by endorsing American Sweethearts: Amy Schumer and Seth Rogan.
They remind us that in the end, no matter what political organization you claim or whose name you’re going to create a chad for this November, there’s at least two things that unite us: our love for beer and Paul Rudd. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a platform that is on stable American ground!
Also, this commercial finally addresses the sexual innuendo that is the phrase “caucus.” God Bless America.
#GiveADamn
Every Super Bowl, there is an ad that asks people to be responsible with their alcohol intake. Last year, Budweiser reminded us that someone (your dog) is waiting at home for you. (Because your family isn’t a good enough reason not to drive drunk.) Unfortunately, the adorable ad didn’t do it’s job.
Enter Dame Helen Mirren.
That’s right: the Queen is here. Gone is the sweet dog, the upbeat folk song, and the kind reminder that others count on you to be safe. What took it’s place: a British woman calling you a moron, telling you science wouldn’t even accept your brain for research, and practically bitch slapping some sense into your head.
But because she’s English, it sounds fancy. She even uses the word “pillock,” which you would have to be if you don’t appreciate this commercial.
I love her so much.
Ryanville
I have no words for this. Actually, I do.
First, I want to live there, and if I can’t live there, I want to buy a time share but go in with just myself because – and I’m sorry Mom and Dad for all those times you taught me – I refuse to share. Second, if I buy a Hyundai Elantra, does Ryan Reynolds come as one of the standard features? Third, whoever came up with this commercial, did you read my dream journal and all the times I fantasized about Ryan as a cop, construction worker, football player, and dog walker? Will there be a second commercial with him staring as the new teacher on my campus who is just looking for love and has a passion for literature?
Sit back, put this commercial on repeat, and welcome to Ryanville.
