First of all, last night I had a big conflict of interest when it came to watching The Grammy’s. I had to decide if I was going to watch The Hollywood Medium or The Grammys because E! made that crazy twink look like some awesome entertainment. But I think I made the right choice. Not sure though because for awhile there it felt like I was watching a string of audio-issue-laden performances instead of an actual awards show. But let’s get down to it.
Opening with Taylor Swift
Stroke of genius, CBS. People are still trying to find out where CBS is on their DirecTV or barely able to stream online, so everyone missed most of Out of the Woods. Look, I’m a TSwift fan, I am. But I have never been happier not go to Taylor’s tour because as much as I LOVE 1989, but I SUPER HATE watching Taylor live. She is such an amazing songwriter and such mediocre performer that it hurts. I’m just as uncomfortable watching TSwift perform as I am trying to work out the dynamic between Diana Gabaldon and Sam Heughan. Cognitive dissonance? I think we should all just lower our expectations.
Sound Engineer
Best Rap Album
I don’t know what Kendrick Lamar did to that butterfly, but it made me really wish Nikki Minaj had won.* Also Pinkprint was the only rap album I listened to … so.
*This feeling would change after I saw Kendrick’s performance later. SO deserved.
Sidenote: LL Cool J is one hot vampire. Single-handedly reminding us how awesome the 90s were.
Sam Hunt/Carrie Underwood
When did Chris Evans get a recording contract? And why did Carrie UnderWEAR forget to get dressed after surprising her husband with her Fifty Shades of Grey inspired loungewear?Am I watching the talent before the Keynote Speech at the Regional Kiwanis Club Awards? But less sexy?
Sidenote: After this and Swift’s performance, the mixer is obviously doing his damnedest to cover up these weak vocals, but I’m jonesing for some a capella Adele so hard right now.*
*Little did I know, the sound mix was about to murder Queen Adele. So innocent.
Performances I Wasn’t Expecting
The Weeknd is a HE, not an IT. Like The Juice (I’ve been watching the OJ mini-series), not like The Killers. And his vibrato is wavier than his hair. LIKE. But intrigue me more, blonde lady cello player.
Andra Day: WHO YOU? You making me happy. You look like you might smoke cigarettes out of one of those Cruella deVil black holder things and say “DAH-LING.” Oh, but you have to sing this weak ass chorus of Ellie Goulding’s? I’m sorry. Kudos on your “humoring this lesser singer” face until you get to come back with something slay-worthy.
Sidenote: We’re doing 90’s part swoops again? Ok, my 5th grade self was KILLER at those.
Ed Sheeran’s Win
How many seats are there in the Staples Center? 20,000???? ALL OF THEM belong to Taylor Swift right now. Take all the seats, ma’am. Every last one. How adorable was Ed’s speech and his parents laughing at him? LOVE.
Best Country Album
Sorry, country fans, but this Memphis girl probably just holds an inferiority complex grudge against Nashville and that’s why she can’t get into your cookie cutter factory churned out sappy pap. You’re telling me these country artists are all NOT the same person? Oh, one is in a beard, and one is wearing a hat and one is a girl. Ok, cool. Because I couldn’t tell the difference when I was using my ears.
NINE OH ONE.
Lionel Richie Tribute
Lionel Richie’s Can’t Slow Down was the first cassette tape I WORE OUT (and stole from my mom). Let the music play on play on play on indeed. $100 that John Legend modulates his way into my dreams tonight. AND OMG DEMI WAS SO GOOD THE CAMERA COULDN’T EVEN STAY ON HER FACE AND HAD TO MOVE TO LIONEL IN CHURCH FOR HER PIPES.
Wait … who are these other terrible people butchering Lionel songs? AND WHERE IS THE ADELE/LIONEL MASHUP WE ALL WANT????? I would have been down with a John Legend/Demi/Lionel Medley of Non-Suckage. I take that back. PUT BRUNO IN. Because someone needs to have rhythm and it sure ain’t Poor Woman’s Adele and Country Boy Missing His Ventriloquist Dummy, aka those other folks on stage.
Tori Kelly and James Bay
YES, the 90s swoop IS back even for wavy haired ladies. I can quit blow drying altogether. MOUSSE ME. And what do we have here but … what live vocals should sound like AT THE GRAMMYs. Take note, fellow white, blonde-haired ladies who heretofore have been nothing but embarrassment. Sam Hunt and Carrie Underwood should be shame-SHAMED. These You-Tube stars were flawless.
Hamilton
THERE WOULDHAVEBEEN NOTHING LEFT TO DO FORSOMEONELESSASTUTE HEWOULDVEBEEN DEADORDESTITUTE WITHOUTACENTOFRESTITUTION
I could have watched the entire thing. GIVE ME MORE.
Sidenote: CBS having this many #1 shows is what’s wrong with America.
Kendrick Lamar
He just went ALL IN with this set and those shackles and that sax and I am LISTENING. All ears.
Hamilton’s Win
Is there a reason that the Hamilton soundtrack is not nominated for Album of the Year? But hahahahaha at The Grammy’s broadcasting Best Musical Album this year … when was the last time that happened? As if anyone is picking up their King and I soundtrack in 2016. And Lin’s RAP ACCEPTANCE was everything I knew I wanted.
Best Rock Performance
Every time Alabama Shakes wins anything WE ALL WIN because we get to hear Brittany Howard* SOME MORE AND MORE AND MORE.
*Google “Brit” right now and see who shows up ahead of Britney Spears? IMPACT.
Adele
WHO LET TAYLOR SWIFT SABOTAGE THE AUDIO DURING ADELE? Seriously, ON WHOM MUST FALL THE WRATH. Even Adele looked confused by her shitty lighting and the terrible audio. I doubt she approved the “sitting in the eye of a hurricane right after a dust storm” lighting scheme and the Sound Engineer’s Thumbs Are Broken level of expertise. And look, everyone on God’s Green Earth knows that Adele has perfect freaking pitch EVERY SINGLE TIME. What the hell did you put in her ear? Taylor or Meghan singing along in the audience? Good luck getting her back next year.
Adele is disgusted. We are all disgusted.
Sidenote: The Crest White Strips girl looks just like Bekah’s BFF.
Sidenote: This If I Only Had a Brain Phoenix University song was probably the brain child of someone who went to Phoenix University.
Sidenote: The only people who can name CBS stars without googling are Donald Trump supporters.
I’m A Belieber
I only see Kate McKinnon when I see Justin Beiber, which is kind of a compliment to both of them. Justin takes only little tiny mouse steps. Someone tell him how his thighs work, not just his ankles. And every time I hear Skrillex, I think about 90s Christian band SKILLET because they were a gosh-darned Memphis institution. Sometimes I think that Justin Beiber would be what Jasper and Alice Cullen would have created if vampires could have children. But maybe he’s doing all his shopping at Chico’s where the sizes are microwaved to make ladies feel like Thumbelina, and that’s influencing his overall micro-machine look.
Best New Artist
NOPE. Best “New” Artist to be driving me batshit crazy with her stupid ass songs since around 2013.
Gaga Tribute to Bowie
I don’t love Gaga, but I don’t hate her either. I respect her vocals and her crazy for what they are: fairly unmatched when used together for evil. And this was a fun, technically astute tribute. But there’s something about Gaga that bugs me and I had a hard time putting my finger on it … until her Golden Globes acceptance speech when it became crystal clear. It’s: HER TRY IS SHOWING. Bowie had zero try. Anyway, that was an awesome finale.
GRAMMY PRODCUERS: HERE ARE THE 75 OTHER THINGS THAT ARE UPCOMING.
Me: oh, so … NOT the finale*
*Enter me paying much less attention. Like I was happy to see Stevie Wonder, and his braille joke was great, but please be over soon.
BB King Tribute
Every YA heroine is basically just trying to live her best Bonnie Raitt. Chris Stapleton, you can be Memphis instead of Nashville if you want. We approve.
Is that Johnny Depp?
This makes perfect sense. Way to live your brand. This song, this performance is EXACTLY what I imagine when I hear something as prosaic as The Hollywood Vampires spoken out loud.
Album of the Year
Yes yes yes. No matter how terrible you are live, Taylor, YOUR ALBUM WAS EVERYONE’S FAVORITE THIS YEAR. Everyone’s. They a lie otherwise. I don’t even hate your speech.
Record of the Year
Uptown Funk was recorded at Royal Studios in … mothertrucking MEMPHIS, TN. Suck it, Nashville.
