Halloween is only 24 hours away, and while many of us will be taking our children out to knock on complete strangers’ doors to ask for candy – essentially dismissing every safety regulation we have branded into their brains about stranger danger – other adults will be joining the costumed swarms of mini Disney Princesses and prepubescent Iron Men and celebrating the one night a year that it’s okay to eat your weight in Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
Sure, you could go as skanky sexy______________ (fill in the blank: nurse, cop, Secretary of State). But face it: for some of us, that takes effort and requires you breaking your early No Shave November goal by shaving above the knee. (And you made a commitment, dammit!) And there are some days you can’t even figure out what to wear for work let alone what you’re going to be for Halloween.
Rather than spend copious amounts of cash for a costume that will likely end up in a bin with porcelain pumpkins and a sign that lights up to read “You’re my Boooooo,” here are some quick, easy costumes for you to rock as you either raid your kid’s treat bag for the good shit “bad” candy or claim your spot by the hors d’oeuvre table at the latest Halloween party.
Yoga Instructor
Raise your hand if you have yoga pants. Now raise your hand if you actually wore those to an actual yoga class.
If you’re like me, chances are your yoga pants have seen the aisles of grocery stores and Target more than they’ve been in an actual yoga studio let alone been in a yoga pose. But on Halloween, that all changes: pull on those yoga pants, grab your napping yoga mat, forget the shoes, end every sentence with “Namaste,” and get ready for the most centered Halloween you’ve ever had.
Trick or Namaste.
Soccer Mom
If you have a child, more than likely your Saturdays are spent watching children attempt to kick a soccer ball into a miniature goal but end up more fascinated by the butterflies flying over head. So why not make it the ultimate costume?
Puffer vest and Coach hat? Check. Clipboard with names of your soccer players (plus your child’s name highlighted and circled with hearts)? Check. Baggies of orange slices? Check. Pissed off tone that some 15 year old punk had the audacity to blow the whistle at your future David Beckham kicking the ball out of bounds? Start warming up.
Easy last minute costume? Goooooaaaaaalllll!
Adult Bella Swan
This past month, Stephenie Meyer reimagined Twilight – making Bella experience the joys of morning wood while Edward finally understands that monthly not-so-fresh feeling. Well, this Halloween, you’re going to reimagine Twilight Reimagined.
That’s right: What if Bella never sat next to Edward in biology? You’re going to be Bella Swan all grown up and shit.
Dust off those Keds. Pull on that thermal. Throw on a parka. Pack that orange JanSport. Trip and fall every chance you get.
Don’t act like this isn’t your normal weekend wear.
Honeymoon Claire
Okay, Outlander fans, stop coloring The Fraser Family Crest or Claire massaging Colum’s naked ass (please tell me that page exists) in your new Official Outlander Coloring Book. This next costume idea is dedicated to you.
How many of us watched the Outlander wedding episode over and over, memorizing every scene, every word, hell – every moan? How many of us fantasized taking Claire’s place, showing Jamie that there’s more than just horses’ way of doing it or making Jamie’s heart burst? How many of us want that damn pearl necklace? (Go ahead and giggle, perv.)
On Halloween, you get that chance to slip off the clothes and put on that replica wedding ring that you secretly spent $250 on and put on while dancing to “Skye Boat Song” in your living room. However, leaving the home in nothing but your birthday suit is grounds for disturbing the peace as well as educating children on how a woman’s body ages, so grab that Target tartan throw you scored for $19.99, put that diffuser on your blow dryer and set for ultimate sex hair, and put some color on those cheeks for some afterglow.
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And don’t forget the pearl necklace.
What easy Halloween costume ideas do you have? Let us know in a message or a Tweet! Happy Halloween!
