SPOILERS
Recently, I jumped on the 2013 bandwagon and started watching Netflix’s original series, Orange is the New Black. OITNB is based on the book of the same name by Piper Kerman, who spent a year in a women’s prison and chronicled it in her memoir. It is an amazing, gut-wrenching, funny and delightful watch. Even my boyfriend has called asking when we’re going to watch more episodes. So what I’m about to say might be a little surprising and divisive: the main characters of ORITNB: Piper Chapman and Alex Voss are the most annoying characters on the show.So let’s back up a bit here…
Piper
In the first season we are introduced to Piper and why she’s in prison. Let’s just say she was dumb and in love and got taken advantage of by… yup, Alex! This will become a pattern guys.
And while Piper committed this crime only once, we learn through flashbacks and present day story that Piper is both smart and pretty dumb. Smart in that she is well read and can talk to people but super stupid in how she interacts with people and how she perceives both herself and those around her. I was intrigued at first as to why a seemingly book smart girl could end up in jail, all the story unfolded I became less and less of a fan of hers for SO MANY REASONS.
Piper is the Taylor Swift of non-violent offenders aka fucking awful.
Alex
I only give slightly more lenience to Alex because of her home life and parents. But only a teeny tiny bit of lenience because Alex is a predator who is able to suss out weakness and profit off of it. For someone she professes to love, she sure does lead Piper down a lot of shit rabbit holes again and again.
Because you’re an idiot who makes bad decisions Alex, that’s why.
Larry / Polly
It should come as no surprise that someone as self-absorbed and flighty as Piper would have a terrible significant other plus an awful best friend. Oh, you’re going to jail for 15 months? Why don’t I as your fiance try to professionally profit off your misfortune, lie to you about whether Alex informed on you plus screw and emotionally cheat on you with your best friend? Sure, that’s cool Larry and Polly.
Chicago / The Trial
Like a moth to a flame or a stupid bug with no brain or common sense to a bug zapper, Piper is convinced by Alex to lie on the stand (yes, by the same woman who got her put in prison), ignore the advice of her lawyer (who’s her fiance’s father) and then get caught lying on the stand and watch Alex walk out of jail because Alex changed her mind at the last minute. YOU ARE AN IDIOT PIPER.
This was the episode I decided Piper deserved to be in jail and when I seriously thought about fast forwarding any Piper/Alex/Larry/Polly scenes in the show. After someone proves to be the reason you’re serving 15 months in a federal prison and will forever be labeled a felon, there is absolutely no reason to listen to them ever again, let alone trust them.
And honestly, who needs Piper and Alex when you have characters like:
Nikki (ahem)
Taystee
Red
And Pennsatucky
And Daya… and Bennett!
And Crazy Eyes aka Suzanne
Suzanne is a post unto herself! Uzo Aduba is SO good you guys. So. Good.
And Mendez and Big Boo and Poussey and Morello and Caputo and the list goes on. Forget Piper and Alex, the supporting actors from Orange is the New Black are the reason to watch this show.
Also, I gotta say it, Ruby Rose is NOT that great yall. Sorry Piper and Alex!
