*ahem*
Excuse me, fans o’ Outlander, I know you guys is bored, so let me alleviate about half an hour of Droughtlander. That’s right. It’s time for some more BLURTLANDER!
I know y’all. source
I should apologize for the three (or four) months it’s been since Blurtlander has watched and “reviewed” an episode of Outlander, but we got super busy. Like traveled to Europe, got promotions, moved to a new home, went on vacations and basically turned our whole lives upside down in the span of a summer. It’s been busy.
Anyway, we seem to be in the same place at the same time, and we’ve watched all the episodes of Last Week Tonight that were backlogged on our DVR, so here we are … catching up on the last bits of season one of Outlander.
He really has NO CLUE what he is in for. In fact, he doesn’t remember what he WAS in for.
Let’s Recap, Blurt
F***ing Outlander.
I don’t even know what the hell is going on.
Sidenote: I thought I was going to die mowing the lawn earlier. I wasn’t that upset about it. But it was hot.
Last Week … Couple of months ago … on Outlander
Oooo, brief nudity. Definitely watching this one.
Wait. Do we see dicks in this one?
My grandfather was born in 1914. He’s old as sh…well, he’s dead now.
*groans*
This song makes you feel like Cheers or something … it’s long, and everyone knows your name.
Wish my grass was that green.
99 Problems and Your Accent is One
I can’t hear what they’re saying.
You’re gonna have to turn the words on.
OMG, speak without the marbles in your mouth. MY GOD.
Would he understand “feet” then? I didn’t know they were on the imperial system.
There ain’t no way she’s f***ing 27.
In real life? She’s like 38, at least 40.
Me: She’s only a few months older than me.
Well. That ain’t what I’m seeing. And he’s easily 45, just botoxed.
Blurtlander Gets a Crush
Boobs already!
WTF, how many times has he been beaten?
He was beaten on a stage, not an archway.
Has he been beaten twice? By Randall? Dang. That guy’s gay.
Who is Jenny to him?
Oh so she’s carrying Randall’s baby?
She’s probably married now, idiot.
I like her.
*giggles* ANOTHER ONE! A pirate!
*giggles* He’s a pirate.
What chest?
He’s a dick. He said all that to his sister, like it’s ok?
She’s kinda hot. Like Anne Hathaway.
Where the fuck is his leg?
*giggles* (bad Scottish accent) Taking off me wee peg leg.
He’s not gonna rape her because he’s GAY.
You got a pretty mouf. I like doze teef.
What what in the butt.
Looks like an old mangled up turtle dick.
HAHA. She’s laughing at him.
Was “c**t” even a word back then?
Grossest. Ever. By the way.
Jamie’s being a DICK.
I don’t remember a Letitia or a Colum. Is he ol’ Gangly Baby Giraffe Legs?
What an ass. Don’t kick em out, she’s pregnant. And he’s got … pirate legs.
*whispers* Why is everyone’s legs f***ed up?
Daddy Issues
I wouldn’t want to be in my dad’s room. F*** THAT. I’d sleep in the barn.
Go to Mattress Firm first or something.
Jamie: he used to keep his…
Him: condoms in here. His dildos.
Jamie: … his blade.
Him: His blade alright. His vibrating blade.
Jamie: They buried him. Out in the graveyward.
Him: Well, that’s the perfect place for him.
Randall Flashbacks
I don’t get people like that. I would just kill him right there. I don’t got nothing to live for. I just mow the grass and go to work. I would just kill him right there and let Jesus sort it out. No one is guarding him. His hands are tied. Just choke him out. Just kill him. Or you could just pull your dick out, get him excited and then kick him in the f***ing craggly face. Because we all know he’s f***ing gay.
Jamie: He likes to play with his toys.
Him: Oh yeah, he does.
Jack: … make free of your body.
Him: What? NO, what.
Jamie: … and he said I’d be set free the same day, so …
Him: … so I took it in the ass.
Why didn’t all the villagers just kill him? RISE UP, lazy assholes. That’s called “murder most foul” in England. That’s a thing.
Ok, we get it, Blurt. She’s hot.
His sister is much cooler than Claire.
I like how his sister is bitchy.
She’s funny.
She’s just pissed because she’s losing her shitty house.
Not Up on Scottish Property Values
So, is this town bigger than the Lannisters or wherever Dougal lives?
He’s not gonna kick his sister out is he?
She’s nice. Like funny nice. And she has nice eyes.
Why is he sitting down? Is it the pirate leg?
Pirate Pete’s not happy with Jamie right now, is he?
I hope they don’t start pissing on wool in this one.
What’s a bannocks?
Claire’s gonna get herself in trouble.
If that kind of stuff really happened back then, I bet no one cared. Not even Claire Beechnut.
Oh look, Jamie’s coming to get him some in his leather coat.
Who is Laird Broch Turach?
I thought he was Lannister. Jamie Lannister.
What does he smell like that’s so stinky?
Whatever. She likes him.
Look he’s hungover. She’s gonna fix it for him. Red-eyed dog. Red hair of the dog.
See! Hair of the dog. Like I said.
Jamie can’t fix the mill. Please. His dad’s a stone mason all of the sudden, and he’s a plumber.
Sluice and loose.
*terrible English accent* There’s a man stuck down there.
Why would the English help these Scottish hookers with their mill? Don’t they hate them?
Now she’ll get to see her brother naked.
Had to.
Ol’ Mangled Back.
Did she get upset because of his back?
More Jenny. Jesus.
She’s wearing mascara and she’s got her ears pierced. I don’t think either one of those things existed back then, but ok.
Me: You’re paying awful close attention to her.
Him: She’s nice.
Me: She’s hot.
Him: I like her. Maybe she reminds me of you and your bitchy ass self.
Last Scene
Oh, Randall’s gonna be there.
Who’s that guy?
Is that the guy that had the kid, that was beating him?
Is it a bounty hunter?
Why do you make me watch this show?
…
Because the people need you, Blurtlander.
Here’s hoping we get through the rest of season one before season two airs. Have you re-watched Outlander since it aired. How many times? Don’t lie, like Bekah.
