(Read Amy’s Outlander Mixtape Volume 1)
I just bought a new car. My old car, a 2003 Toyota Corolla, had 147,438 miles on it. My inspection sticker expired in July of 2014, and I needed new tires. So instead of investing $600+ on Michelins, I opted to buy a new car. I am the proud new owner of the most basic car ever produced, the 2015 Toyota Camry.
These ladies all own a Camry except the one on the far left. She has a Lexus SUV. Hate her.
I love having a new car because it has a standard back-up camera. I don’t need to turn around anymore for reverse! Yet I hate this car because of the entertainment system. Sirirus XM? Yes. CD player? Yes. Tape deck. Nope.
There was nothing sadder than leaving the dealership with a bag filled with my old car’s detritus. My magnetic Clemson Tiger paw. That Magellan GPS that could never figure out that the Big Dig in Boston had changed actual roads. And my lovely collection of mixtapes.
But just because I can’t listen to mixtapes in my car anymore doesn’t mean I can’t make virtual ones. And now that the second half of Outlander season one is over – and I FINALLY watched the finale – it’s time for My Outlander Mixtape Part 2! It’s a lovely companion to My Outlander Mixtape Part 1. Get out your Walkmans and your jam boxes, bishes, and flip that tape over.
Star-Lord likes how I mix it.
1. Cell Block Tango – Chicago, The Musical
Jamie asked Claire to do one thing. STAY PUT WITH WILLIE.
Yet, typical Claire, she refused to wait for the Gaelic Gangsters and finds herself in the clutches of Black Jack Randall.
IDIOT!
Wherever you see “he” insert the name “Claire.”
He had it coming, he had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you’d have been there, if you’d have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same
Jamie, Murtagh, Angus, Fred, Daphne, and Velma had to rescue her and everyone is pissed. Corporal punishment is the great “re-set” button. Claire was not into it, but she really didn’t have it so bad. She got a tightly held belt. She could have gotten the crop or the paddle. And from what I’ve heard (ahem), those are so much worse.
Smack it, flip, rub it down, oh no!
2. Pony – Ginuwine
You know what Jamie likes first thing in the morning? Lady Bits. It’s like Alpha Bits Cereal, but those fortified vitamins are for you bones and your boners.
Minor nitpick. When Murtagh busted in and interrupted the morning munch, we missed a fantastic MMF opportunity. Do better, Ron Moore.
You can never have too much licking.
If you’re horny lets do it, ride it, my pony
My saddle’s waiting, come and jump on it
If you’re horny lets do it, ride it, my pony
My saddle’s waiting, come and jump on it
3. I’m On Fire – Bruce Springsteen
As Geillis was about to confess to witchcraft, condemning herself while saving Claire, Geillis had the best line so far in the series:
I guess I’m going to a fucking barbecue.
At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
And a freight train running through the
Middle of my head
Only you can cool my desire
I’m on fire
Geillis would know what a freight train is, because she’s from the FUTURE!
4. I Can’t Feel My Face – The Weeknd
Jamie, the non-virgin, is getting the s-e-x on the regular now.
JAMMF: Sex Idiot
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
but I love it, but I love it
Jamie can’t feel his face because he is either grinning like dumb kid or its buried in Claire’s honey pot. She hasn’t waxed it yet. SPOILER ALERT. That’s happening in season 2. Paris had the Brazilian before Rio did.
5. Let’s Have a Kiki – Scissor Sisters
You know who looks like fun? The Duke of Sandringham! He likes to party. He has a personal stenographer, writing down his quips and gems. Can you imagine the Duke with a selfie stick? With a tumblr page? As a guest judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race? Ded.
I bet he tastes like Benson & Hedges and cocaine. In others words, amazing.
So I had to put on the wig, and the heels
And the lashes, and the ears, and take the train, to the club
And you know the MTA should stand for:
Motherfuckers Touching My Ass
After we stuff our fat faces with that stuffed peacock, it’s dance party time. Then other things get stuffed. Best kiki ever.
6. Take Me Home, Country Roads – John Denver
After years on on the lam, Jamie finally goes home to Lallybroch and his sister, Jenny.
You think Jenny’s a bitch? You ever had a plugged milk duct? No? Then STFU.
All my memories, they gather ’round her
Miner’s lady, stranger to blue water
Dark and dusty, painted on the sky
Misty taste of moonshine, teardrops in my eyes
Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia, mountain momma
Take me home, country roads
But forgetting the hunty he finds at the end of the country road, Jamie is happier than a pig in shit. Becuase he’s home. With family.
7. Ugly Heart – G.R.L.
Horrocks is a backstabbing, deserting Irish weenie. The actor who plays him? Arizona in July HOT.
@gracesmom48 knows what’s up. Follow her.
Okay you’re pretty
Your face is a work of art
Your smile could light up New York City after dark
Okay you’re Coverboy pretty
Stamped with a beauty mark
But it’s such a pity a boy so pretty
With an ugly heart.
And then Ian stabbed you through it. Ruh roh.
8. Style – Taylor Swift
Jamie comes home and tries to act all cool and badass. He thinks he’s big man on campus. Did they even have high school back in 1742? Hogwarts doesn’t count.
Jamie is slapping backs, taking rents, being nice to po’ folks, wearing leather like no one had ever worn leather before.
You got that James Dean day dream look in your eye
You got that long hair, slicked back, white t-shirt.
Jamie got crowned prom king of Lallybroch. Even got wasted at prom. Typical.
9. You Are In Love – Taylor Swift of Westerly, RI
And later when Claire tells Jamie she loves him, it’s such an “oh by the way” moment. I know that’s how love can be, sneaking up on you. He tells a lighthearted joke and BAM. You love him. My boyfriend bought me an apple fritter, and in that moment, I was done. I love him, and I love deep fried pastries.
“Think Rapunzel wants some of my apple fritter?”
You can hear it in the silence, silence
You can feel it on the way home, way home
You can see it with the lights out, lights out
You are in love, true love
You are in love
10. I Will Find You – Clannad
THE RED COATS TOOK JAMIE! Jamie and Claire CANNOT catch a break. And if you’ve read all 17 books, you know this is a recurring theme.
Ugh. Atonement. The agony. The book, the movie. Die, Briony Tallis. Die.
No matter where you go
I will find you
If it takes a long long time
No matter where you go
I will find you
If it takes a thousand years
11. Band On The Run – Wings
If the White Stripes were the worst duo ever, then Claire & Murtagh are a close second. They are like a band your local dive bar hires when Hootie and the Blowfish cancel last minute.
Band on the run, band on the run
And the jailer man,
And sailor Sam
Were searching everyone
For the band on the run, band on the run.
For the band on the run, band on the run.
When Claire sings, my boo RFed says:
The GOAT hates your voice, Claire.
12. So Cruel- U2
I imagine Black Jack lip-syncing this song to himself in the mirror, as he plans his evening of “seduction.”
We’re cut adrift
But still floating
I’m only hanging on
To watch you go down
My love
You don’t know if it’s fear or desire
Danger the drug that takes you higher
Head in heaven, fingers in the mire
Oh god, did Bono say FINGERS? The words fingers and mallet are worst than moist at this point.
13. Fix You – Coldplay
Black Jack messed Jamie up. Like real bad.
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
But Claire is no quitter. She’s gonna fix Jamie. She’s gonna fix his mangled hand. She’s gonna fix his mangled brain – without using poppy seeds and opiates she stole from the abbey’s CVS.
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
I will try to fix you
14. Cecelia and The Satellite – Andrew MacMahon
At its heart, Outlander is a romance. It’s a love story. The best. And every good love story needs a good love song.
The things I’ve learned from a broken mirror
How a face can change when a heart knows fear
Through all the things my eyes have seen
The best by far is you
Why yes, I got up at 3 AM to bake scones for my “Wills and Kate Are Getting Marries” party. You didn’t?
So that’s all folks! Season One has been MIXTAPED UP! My Maxell cassette is full. What songs would you add to our list? Do you even remember Season One or are you solely focused on the casting of Roger and Bree for Season Three?
