But nothing made my Saturday morning more wake-up-at-an-ungodly-hour worthy than the woman who just needed a pair of red earrings and a kick-ass synthesized beat: Jem and the Holograms.
Oh, Jerrica Benson whose music producer father died, leaving her with massive debt, a crumbling mansion filled with foster girls (Um, yeah), but one sick as shit computer system that transformed her into Jem, the world’s greatest pop star that made every young girl want to become a Hologram. Plus she took color coordination to epic levels. For a brief time, the Jem doll evicted Barbie out of her dream mansion, Jem and the Holograms songs played incessantly on Pocket Rockers and we all discovered that pink lipstick takes effing forever to wash off your face.
So, when the Jem and the Holograms live action movie trailer debuted this week, I was this close to painting a giant pink star on my face.
And then I saw the trailer, and I have feelings. Strong ones. Goodbye 20 something Jem and hello shy, insecure teenage Jem who just wants to secretly express herself through her music. Goodbye Starlight Mansion and hello house in the suburbs and Molly Ringwald?
Pretty much, gone is the fun, campy Jem and like a phoenix from the puberty ashes, a moody, taking herself too seriously teen has risen. It’s like reading my high school journal all over again and cringing.
Here’s my little breakdown (And I mean my emotions) of Jem and the Holograms.
Jerrica Has a Dark Side, and Her Name is Jem
Okay, I get it. Jem of the 80s was the creation of Synergy. This is the 21st century Jem. This new Jem is the creation of teenage angst, playing Lorde’s album on repeat, and I’m pretty sure a diet of Starbucks Frappucinos and Wetzel’s Pretzels.
But really? Hiding in what looks like to be the closet that Harry Potter was forced to live in, a strategically placed rainbow hue and singing a song about a heart of hunter and pounding like thunder? Did she write this shit in her 10th grade English class during a poetry slam?
Everyone knows draped bangs and a studded jacket screams “Edgy.”
Synergy? We Have a Problem.
As children of the 80s, we all wanted our own Synergy, Jerrica’s holographic fairy godmother, who granted Jerrica the gift of pink hair, a pink Cadillac convertible, and a wardrobe that made my mother ask me, “Does Synergy not believe in appropriate hemlines?”
The new Synergy? She. Doesn’t. Exist.
No. Just no.
What do we get instead? The obviously evil Juliette Lewis (Gasp! She believes in Photoshop! Oh, no! She wants Jerrica to wear a wig!), who plays a corporate label machine that preys on the lyrical ingenue, forcing Jerrica to start looking like the third runner up in a Lady Gaga costume contest.
Her Erika Raymond (Yep, through this vision, Eric is now a power hungry biatch) is a Effie Trinket copycat with the soul of Kris Jenner.
Big hoop earrings spell trouble.
It’s Time for Rio
Confession: when I was a child, I had a tad bit of a crush on Rio. He had it all: strength, looks, strong moral fiber, and purple hair.
Source
Now that I’m a little older, somewhat wiser, and have to cover up some grey hairs, I’ve come to this conclusion: Rio was kind of a dick. He was Jerrica’s boyfriend but occasionally made out with Jem, not knowing that she was the same person. But Jerrica was alright with it because, hell, she was Jem, so technically not cheating.
Um, Jerrica? You may want to grab that earring and ask Synergy for some holographic self-confidence.
But Rio 2015?
The purple hair is gone. His stupidity over making out with the same woman dressed in different outfits and not realizing that she’s one in the same? The new Rio caught on pretty quickly that Jerrica is Jem and Jem is Jerrica. You know, just like anyone with a basic I.Q.
The film has turned Rio into Buddah in Abercrombie, leading the wayward Jem with pearls of wisdom such as, “You need to trust the people you are closest to.” Thank you, Captain Obvious.
I miss the purple haired dumbass.
Truly, Truly, Truly Outrageous (And Not In a Good Way)
Okay, so Synergy has been deleted. (Even though Jem weirdly says “Showtime, Synergy” and touches her earring. Some will say this is a nod to old fans. I call bullshit.) I doubt Jem’s adventures with The Holograms are going to take her to Fashion Week in Paris or to a charity concert in Vietnam. (Yes, those were actual episodes and they were enlightening!)
Someone’s mom said yes to Coachella.
Don’t even get me started about the lack of The Misfits, Jem’s rivals and archenemies who many times put Jem’s life at stake. Honestly? Why were they never in jail on attempted murder charges I’ll never know.
But for me, the most heinous absence is the Jem and The Holograms theme song.
Seriously? Not even a remix of the song. Instead they play One Direction’s “Story of My Life?” You’re a movie about an all girl rock band, and that’s what you play as Jem, who is clearly wearing Hot Topic’s exclusive Katniss Everdeen wedding dress, stares at a shattered mirror of herself, which is clearly symbolic of her fractured life at that moment?
Definitely not truly, truly, truly outrageous.
Were you a wannabe Hologram? What are you thoughts of the new movie? Leave a comment or tweet us your opinion!
