(Unlike the new common core math, I’m not going to ask you If train A left the station at 9:30 a.m. going 80 MPH and train B left the station at 9:45 a.m. going 88 MPH, how many sunflowers are in the field? The answer is 25. Don’t ask.)
Over four thousand hours of waiting. At least twenty-six official teasers/clips/behind the scenes. Twenty-four That’s Normal Outlander posts. Five #HangOutlanders. Four #Samsfanfollow. (There should have been one more.) Two turtle dicks.
And now, here’s the newest number: one. One day left until Outlander’s midseason premiere.
Hold on to your bum rolls: we are now 24 hours away from JAMMF. One day more! (Cue the Les Miserables soundtrack and Russell Crowe’s tone deaf singing that made my dog spin in circles for a few hours.)
Now, I understand that some will be watching this solo because it’s their “alone time” with Jamie Fraser (It may or may not include the following: a pocket Jamie, a glass of rose, a playlist of Scottish slow jamz, and a special battery operated friend that the catalog ever so discretely labeled “Mama’s Little Helper.”)
But for others, watching Outlander is a time for their own clan gathering. A time for people who know how to correctly pronounce “Laoghaire” and can recite word for word Jamie and Claire’s wedding vows to gather and let their tartan flag fly high. Who else could you be with and say “You ken” and call each other “Sassenach” without having to provide a dissertation on the evolution of the gaelic language? Or be with those who know that “gaelic” sounds similar to how my great aunt in Boston says “garlic”? (Wicked awesome!)
Now, you could do the old pita-chips-and-hummus-that-I-made-from-the-only-Pinterest-pin-I-actually-tried party route, or you could go big…Outlander style.
Think plaids. Think dirks. Think whisky that you pretend to like but know that it will lead to you singing “Hello Again” on your neighbor’s front lawn wearing nothing but your free “Real Men Wear Kilts” t-shirt.
So, if you are planning on throwing your own Outlander viewing party, here are just a few tips to get your Scottish on like it’s 1743:
Decorations
Candles? Check and lit. Deep down, you knew that the “Buy 4 Get 5 Free” deal at Bath and Body Works would pay off. Now your house will not only be ready for Outlander, but it will be fragranced by the ever so Scottish scent, Peach Bellini. Winning.
Tartan blanket you purchased in the discounted section of PotteryBarn? Got it.
Family motto? Boom. Who cares if your family motto is “Eat shit and die.” Put it in French or Latin, and it sounds pretty damn legit. (FYI: Manger de la merde et mourir.)
Spirits
Seriously? Do I need to put this?
Whisky. Okay, and maybe rhenish.
Get your Neil Diamond playlist ready and warn your neighbors. It’s going to be a long night.
Food
Yes, there are talented blogs dedicated at replicating the exact science of 18th century Scottish cuisine. But we’re That’s Normal: we get excited for tacos and Crustables.
But we understand the need to feed your guests, so why not go directly to the source. Here are just a few suggestions from Outlander a la carte:
Because everyone should have a staring contest with the creature they’re about to eat.
Claire: Quite the appetite. I should think you’d eat grass if there was nothing else.
Jamie: I have.
Who knew Jamie was into clean eating?
And of course, according to the Scottish food pyramid, you must have whisky as a part of a balanced diet.
Do the Scots consider whisky food? How are they not shitfaced and belting out anti-British songs around the harp player?
Dress to Impress
Now some of you may be saying, “But I’m with my friends. Can’t I just rock my yoga pants?”
Okay, first: stop calling them yoga pants. You know they’ve never seen downward facing dog or child pose. Instead they’ve seen you, your couch, and the entire collection of Gilmore Girls on Netflix. Namaste.
Second: Take it from Iona McTavish, herself. It’s time to dust off the corset, bum rolls, and petticoats!
Okay, so maybe your wardrobe is lacking. No problem, go as Claire in “The Wedding.” All you need is a blanket, your grandmother’s pearls, and your birthday suit.
No bra and underwear? Sounds like a party to me.
Let the Games Begin
Sure, you could break out the Trivial Pursuit, or show your friends how lumber you and your yoga pants are with a rousing round of Twister. I’m sure your charades skills are epic and your silent reenactment of Annie is aweinspiring.
But WWOD? (What would Outlander do? It’s catchy, trust me.) Well, put those board games away. Fold up that Twister mat. Stop practicing the gestures you will use to convey Gone Girl. Why not create your own Milton Bradley Outlander games?
Shinty: Have you ever wondered, “What am I going to do with my old field hockey equipment that is gathering dust next to the yoga mat that I secretly call my ‘napping mat’?”
Here’s your chance. Gather your friends, break into two groups, pass out the sticks and prepare to get your aggression out on your closest friends. Sure, the show didn’t show how the game is exactly played and I’m sure there are actual rules and an endgame, but who needs those rules when you can play it MacKenzie style?
Gratuitous Angry Jamie Shot
Want to just pop in and join a game already in process Dougal style? Go for it. Want to stop your opposition by doing a little crotch check? Thanks to Murtagh, you can.
Have harboring anger towards your opponent who wants you complacent and/or dead? Well, take a note from Jamie and toss them over your shoulder like your handbag.
Keeping score? Overrated.
Drinking game: Watching Outlander and drinking at the same time? Best. Game. Ever.
Here’s just a few suggestions when to SHOT! SHOT! SHOT! EVERYBODY!
- When Jamie eye effs Claire.
- When Claire eye effs Jamie.
A double shot scene!
- When Jamie calls Claire “Sassenach.”
- When a Scotsmen makes a grunt noise.
- When the new Jamie voice over requires you to put on the close captioning.
No matter what you do, have a fantastic time! Slainte!
How are you celebrating Outlander’s return? Tell us how you’re going to watch Jamie and Claire’s return! Tweet us or leave a comment and don’t forget to watch #HangOutlander this Monday night! See you there!
