Now, as the resident That’s Normal Mom, I am well aware of what you married types are wearing when you want to look cute. Whether it’s a Super Bowl party, the soccer tournament, that one night a month when your couple friends get together for patio drinks. It’s this:
Lady Uniform
The infinity scarf, the long sleeve knit shirt, the skinny jeans, the knee high boots. Maybe you throw in some earrings if there are going to be instagram pics taken. But THIS is your go-to going-out look.
If you have it on in the grocery store, you feel like a million bucks. You look SO svelte. If you happen to wear it to your kid’s friend’s birthday party at Menagerie Farms, you feel like a contestant on Farmer Bachelor. And yeah, you should. You look … CUTE.
But do you really want to look CUTE for your husband on Valentine’s Day? No. You want to look HOT. So here’s how to ditch the puffy vest, for something a little sleeker, and a lot sexier.
Bring Out the Girls
This one should be a no-brainer, but I have to say it: you are NOT allowed to wear an infinity (or any other type of) scarf on your Valentine’s Day date. Unless you are going for the ever-popular “My Boobs Declared Wool War on My Collarbones and My Face is Next” look.
Sure, hon, I have boobs … somewhere under here.
They might be cute in the craftsy/etsy, Claire from Outlander way, but why would you want to cover up all the best places you want to be kissed? It’s basically Lady Armor. A Chastity Belt for the Modern Age. NOTHING TO SEE HERE, BOYS. Nothing at all.
This look says, “I’m terrified of you; please let me hide.”
You are out to dinner or a show or a DIY Paint Your Own Pottery night with a MAN you love and want to do it with later. Show off your décolletage, please.
Wear a delicate necklace that sits right in the hollow of your throat. I’m gonna jump on a the Good Ship Get It, and say that Valentine’s Day is not the day for a giant statement necklace either. They are great for the office and a night out with the girls. They are not great for neck kisses. Think small chain, light, feminine.
Ooooo this one dangles. Points like a neon sign. In case he needs directions.
Be Touchable
Your every day knit shirts and chambray button downs are just that … every day. You got them at Target for $13.88, and they hug you just right, but he’s seen them on you 100 times already. Wear something a little surprising. And I do NOT mean the chevron blouse you found on Haute Look. That shirt is ugly. Please, no.
The unsexiest look of all time.
[Unpopular Opinion Sidenote: Trust me when I say that in 20 years time, when our kids are dressing in “2010’s” for Spirit Day at school, all the girls will be wearing ironic, cheap chevron. It’s THAT ugly. It’s the 80s Day Glo of this generation.]
Instead, wear something solid colored (dark colors or white/cream) and silky. Think Gillian Anderson in The Fall. She looks endlessly touchable in those silk blouses.
I actually think this one is from Hannibal, but same thing applies. She is totes doable.
If your man is like mine, with hands that are super rough and catch on any hint of lace or cheaply constructed Charlotte Russe top, a simple and sleek blouse will be perfect for him to smooth over your arm as you sit down to dinner.
And think about how sexy a blouse like that will look coming off!!! Much better than pulling some knit shirt off your head and messing up your hair in the process. It will glide off your shoulders like in a romance novel! HECK YES YOU ARE GOING TO LOOK SO HOT STRIPPING.
Bare a Leg or Two
This might be the hardest one for you to handle, but I need to stress: do not wear your go-to skinny jeans. Yes, they make your ass look amazing. Yes, you spent the better part of September 2010 shopping for this particular pair of jeans when you realized that you could no longer adequately pretend your boot cut jeans were going to keep trucking on.
But no. It’s time to bring out the big guns. YOUR LEGS. I don’t care what size or shape you are, your legs are probably totally hot. Legs are awesome like that. So, get in the tub and exfoliate like a champ, shave up to your armpits and body butter it up. Because, girl, it’s Valentine’s Day and YOU ARE GOING TO WEAR A SKIRT.
This is where you are allowed to get funky. Want to wear a leather pencil skirt? Do it, Angelina. Want to get crazy with the pattern, the texture, the color? Your ass can handle it. You can go frilly, frothy, structured, belted, sequined. Just remember … he can get his hand under there at dinner.
Actual skirts I am considering for Saturday night. Fashion photographer, I am not.
Boot those tall boots.
Because unless your husband is some sort of Equestrian Furry, the only one getting excited about getting ridden when you wear these … is a horse.
Nay, I say. Neigh.
Chalk up the tall brown leather boots as another one of the banes of our current fashion generation. Every woman and sorority girl has them. Not a single person looks sexy in them. Cute, yes. Hot? Nope.
An unfortunate sign of our times.
So instead of looking like you are ready to go pick gourds at the pumpkin patch, throw on some high heeled booties or ankle boots. They come in all comfort levels … wedges, cowboy heels, stilettos. Just give yourself some height so your legs (and your ass!!!) in that skirt look amazing.
So easy. So cute.
And since it’s still cold as a witch’s ear in most locales, I understand that wearing a skirt doesn’t sound all that practical. If you need to wear tights, you can still get away with your awesome skirt by wearing a kick ass pair of booties.
Short skirt, tights, booties. Done.
Those of us smart enough to live in the South get to forego the tights altogether and just wear a gorgeous pair of heels. Unless he wants to go to the movies. Because … freezing. However, if he ends up taking us to see Jupiter Ascending none of this will matter anyway because he won’t be getting any.
Just kidding. I don’t play like that. I will most DEFINITELY be getting some no matter where he takes us.
So remember, it’s Valentine’s Day. You will look awesome. This look is not.
NEVER ok, not even on Monogram Mondays.
What are your plans for Valentine’s Day? Do you have an outfit planned already?
