HAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. I love being that person. Last year I talked about the plot hole in Christmas movies that annoys me every year (with a special shout out to the trash that is non-peppermint candy canes), and this year my topic is the fury that overcomes me every time I think about “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.”
It’s apparently advertised as a feel good tale about the magic of Christmas and perseverance in the face of adversity. That’s what I’m guessing at least, because all I get from this story is that everyone treats Rudolph like garbage just because he’s different and then backpedals like crazy when they need him to swoop in and save their asses.
Let’s take a look at some of the song lyrics and see the stuff that goes on and I dare you to tell me that you wouldn’t be bitter if you were poor little Rudolph.
you know Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen,
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Has a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows
What a unique feature! A bit odd perhaps, but nothing to be concerned about. It’s certainly not hurting anyone. Rudolph may be a bit self conscious about it though, maybe we should take our cue from him to see if he wants to talk about it or not.
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games
Or, we could openly mock him for something that he has absolutely no control over. And purposely exclude him from group activities just because he’s not exactly like us!
It’s not just the song either. In that claymation special from the 1960s that airs every year, even Rudolph’s parents, his teacher, and freaking Santa get in on tearing Rudolph apart for his red nose. His parents might have gotten a pass if their goal in disguising Rudolph’s nose was to protect him from cruel taunting. Instead it’s because they want him to be deemed good enough to pull Santa’s sleigh. What kid doesn’t love it when their parents essentially tell them, “You’re not good enough the way you are, so you should conform to everyone else’s standards so they like you!” Parenting fail all around.
And get a load of this rein-douche. You’re a coach Comet, you’re supposed to step in and prevent all the tiny reindeer kiddies from teasing each other, and you’re DEFINITELY not supposed to participate in it. Ass.
But Santa is what really gets me. For real, Santa? You stand in judgement of all the children of the world and decide whether they’re naughty or nice, all the while participating in this jackassery? I hope you choke on some of that coal you’re always threatening to leave the kids you’ve deemed unworthy of presents.
(Don’t even get me started on Clarice’s dad, who forbids his daughter to speak to Rudolph when she actually treats him with decency and sings him a beautiful song. Solid move idiot, that’s only going to make him 1000 times more irresistible by the way. You’re a dick, sir. If Clarice goes through a rebellious phase of sleeping around with a bunch of bad boy reindeer to get back at you for things like this, it’s gonna be on you buddy. And I will love every second of it.)
But back to the lyrics of this crap song. Because it’s Christmas Eve, and everyone’s decided that they want to stop picking on Rudolph and take advantage of him instead.
Santa came to say,
Rudolph with your nose so bright,
Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight
OH. OH. How the tables have turned! You can’t be serious. You’re actually going to walk up to the poor little guy that you’ve tormented about his physical anomaly and ask him for a favor?! That takes some serious balls Santa.
Source – Edit was made by me, as the website I got the original photo from was a blog where a principal described Santa’s visit to schoolchildren. Needless to say, the author had not written “DICK” across Santa Claus for that post.
As they shouted out with glee,
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
You’ll go down in history
Rudolph must be a more forgiving soul than I, because he’s apparently delighted by the opportunity and leads the sleigh with joy in order to save Christmas. And we’re all supposed to be happy. But I am not. Because if that had been me, the exchange might have gone more like this:
“Really?! You want little ole’ me to guide your sleigh? Gee golly jeepers that’s real swell! I’ll just trot my way up to the front of the pack here and YOU CAN ALL KISS MY ASS WHILE I’M UP THERE! I’LL TELL YOU WHERE YOU CAN SHOVE YOUR SLEIGH SANTA. AFTER EVERYTHING I’VE BEEN PUT THROUGH ALL THESE YEARS, NOW YOU DEICDE THAT I’M GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?! LOOK WHO NEEDS MY HELP NOW THAT THE WEATHER HAS GONE TO SH*T. THE GREAT AND POWERFUL SANTA AND HIS REINDEER TEAM GROUNDED BY A LITTLE FOG. HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW, BLITZEN?! ARE YOU GONNA BE LAUGHING ABOUT MY BRIGHT RED NOSE AS YOU’RE PLUNGING TO YOUR DEATH RIGHT OUT OF THAT FOGGY SKY?! HUH? HUH?! DIDN’T THINK SO!”
Perhaps Rudolph was thinking of all the children whose Christmas would have been ruined if Santa wasn’t able to deliver their presents. Good for you Rudy, taking the high road. They don’t deserve it, but it’s admirable none the less I suppose.
There are some things that will always fill me with rage, and this dumb story is one of them.
But “Merry Christmas!” or whatever.
Anyone in agreement with me on this? What else about the holiday season fills you with Hulk style rage?!
