The clip shows Patrick Wilson on top of Andy Roddick’s wife, and it’s not super glam. To the viewer in the theater, the on-screen sex may be be scorching, but making that scene is something altogether different. It’s awkward. People are yelling at you. (Having “Great f*cking” yelled at me? New life goal). People are watching you; people are judging you. People are spraying you down with water, to simulate the sweaty mess. Bodily fluids are so en vogue right now (see, Ebola).
So I’m on set, and the script calls for me to hump on Kodak film with a famous dude. Sounds fantastic. BUT! The dude might have halitosis. The dude might give me face burn with his stubble. The dude might enjoy pressing against me a little too much. Nope.
The dude might not enjoy it all. Bish, please.
Of course, knowing all of the downsides to faux “stuffing the taco” on screen, I’d still give it a go at least once. I have a head shot. My oohs and aahs are pleasing to the ear. I can do breathy.
I’m willing to accept the good with the bad, as long as Eric Bana is the one schvitzing all over me.
Let’s play a game of make believe using some of our favorite love scenes. What would it be like to film with James McAvoy? Could we envision ourselves moaning in front of Anthony Minghella? What is the upside to each scene? What is the downside? Quiet on the set!
Dirty Dancing
The Scene: Johnny and Baby do the hokey pokey in Johnny’s cabin. It’s the first time Johnny and Baby make love*, and it’s a scene that has it all. Rain. Mood lighting. Choreography. Otis Redding. A shirtless Swayze.
The Downside: Having to choke out some bad dialogue before you get to the lovin, touchin, squeezin.
And most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you.
The Upside: Dat ass. Get out your quarters and start bouncing.
*I’m not ashamed of my tenderhearted feelings. I say “make love.” I’m 105. Deal with it.
Blue Valentine
The scene: Ryan Gosling goes down on Michelle Williams in her bedroom at her parents’ house.
The cunning linguist scene in Blue Valentine was quite controversial, because how dare we be subjected to a woman receiving pleasure. The Gos goes down on Michelle Willaims to completion, and the MPAA threatened to hit the film with an NC-17 rating. According to their guidelines, a woman is only appropriate when being murdered or when servicing her man. Rubbish.
The Downside: Knowing that after this scene is done, you are going to have to look at the Gos dressed like…
The Upside: Practicing (in real life) what you would do in this scene. “Get on your knees, boy! I need to practice my sex faces.”
The Thomas Crown Affair
The Scene: Super smart insurance lady Renee Russo falls under the spell of super sexy stealer of art Remington Steele, and they just can’t seem to make it to the bed.
The Downside: The stairs! My back!
The Upside: All those angles the stairs enable.
Cold Mountain
The Scene: The preacher’s daughter Ada can’t have the seksy times with Inman until they are married. So they say “I marry you” three times because that is legal in 18 states and then they disrobe. It’s precious.
The Downside: It’s cold up there on Cold Mountain.
The Upside: Dang, Jude Law used to be Dee.Lish.Us. And for some reason, the name Inman makes my Carolina heart go pitter patter. Plus, beard.
Pride and Prejudice
The Scene: Mr. Darcy touches Lizzie’s hand whilst helping her into her ride. This might not seem like the hottest scene, but when Darcy flexes his fingers after touching her…it makes you think about…fingers.
The Downside: The English countryside is super damp. Makes my bones hurt. And corsets are so constricting.
The Upside: Feeling the softness of Matthew McFadyen’s hand. I guarantee that boy lathers em up in Aquaphor every night, for your pleasure. The smooth goes nicely with his chest hair.
Secretary
The Scene: James Spader spanks his secretary Maggie Gylennhaal’s backside with his open palm, again and again and again. She’s into the pain and submission.
And when he’s done? The sweetest gesture…
The Downside: Getting spanked.
The Upside: Getting spanked.
Bridesmaids
The Scene: Kristen Wiig is showing off her low self esteem by hooking up with major donkey Jon Hamm.
The Downside: I’m not sure if I want to know Jon Hamm. I want to know Don Draper and all that swagger.
The Upside: No matter who he is, he still looks like Don Draper. And he’s touching my boob.
The English Patient
The Scene: While working the Christmas celebration for Allied soldiers in north Africa, Almasy and Katharine find time to slip away into an alcove. It’s the ultimate “Ho ho ho” during World War II.
The Downside: Even in December, north Africa is the opposite of Cold Mountain. Sticky!
The Upside: You get to keep your clothes on. And there is thumb sucking.
Marie Antoinette
The Scene: Marie Antoinette is in a loveless marriage to a dude who can’t seem to grow or to show. In walks Axel von Fersen. With a name like Axel, it has to be good.
The Downside: Those old French mattresses are terrible for boning. I know from experience. It’s why I’ve been banned from Versailles.
The Upside: Jamie Dornan looking like Alexander Hamilton, the hottest of all our founding fathers. Look it up.
Atonement
The Scene: Robbie is sick of playing games, knowing that Cecelia has read the letter in which he declares he wants to kiss her c-word. Robbie did it, in the library, with his candlestick.
The Downside: Leather bound books don’t make the best backrest.
The Upside: You get to have sexual congress in the most divine dress ever.
Crazy Stupid Love
The Scene: It’s so accurate, this drunken hookup. The Gos gets called out for having a rehearsed seduction plan that invokes THE LIFT from Dirty Dancing. Emma Stone is tipsy and awkward, which perfectly describes me after no dinner and three glasses of Pinot Grigio.
The Downside: Potential injury in being foisted into the air, all in the name of getting laid.
The Upside: YOU GET TO RE-INACT THE LIFT!
What are y’all’s favorite love scenes? If you could participate in one, would you? And which scenes in particular are you signing up for?
