Or … he’ll do this.
Just … well. You’ll see.
If you are new to Things My Husband Says During Outlander, the rest of the series can be found here, but pay special attention to week 2 where I add a few disclaimers, an FAQ of sorts.
But for now … The Wedding.
Pre-Show
There’s ol’ Wrinkled Face.
WRITE MY FUNNIES DOWN, you old lazy heifer. I’m making jokes and you’re watching Jamie.
I hate this song, but it’s kind of starting to grow on me.
It’s catchy.
That guy’s boots look like they would have been really good for the tug of war I had to do at work today.
I wouldn’t have slipped in the mud if I’d had those.
Who uses a quaffle stick?
Don’t fall off the cliff!
So It Begins
A raccoon! Oh, it’s a cat.
Did you see that? That’s a man-hole cover! Oh, it’s the 40s. Nevermind.
Hey look. That guy has wrinkled face too!
He’s like 45 years old. At this point, I’m pretty sure his parents are just glad he’s not gay.
That hat is horrible.
Ever notice in the 40s she’s all uptight and showing no boobage, but in the 1710’s she’s all showing everything??
WTF is up with the time reversal on conservative dress?
Do you like how I phrased that one? I sound like you.
Holy MOLY! Look at that mole! I’ve never noticed that mole before.
[singsong] She’s fixing to s*** his d***.
Hate to tell her, she ain’t gonna be getting no cunnilingus from him.
Claire: … pearls on a string
Him: My life was like a PEARL NECKLACE. Haha.
“Official” … ooooOOOoooo
Jamie: Wee joke.
(giggles)
Wouldn’t that thing hurt your boobs?
[sings] Jamies’ gonna get some booty.
He’s all about that bass.
I wonder if he knows how to unhook that corset.
I would have no clue. As you well know.
Look how much she’s drinking!
Heehee.
She’s binge drinking like a mfer.
[guffaws]
He’s gonna be nice. “You dont have to sleep with me.”
Real Quick Dialogue Addendum
Jamie: What is it you want to know?
Him: Have you ever f***ed a goat?
Claire: Why did you agree to marry me?
Him: Because I wanted to f*** you. DUH.
BarnYard Bros
In the room? For the consummation?
Well, I guess WE will be in there. Why not Rupert too?
Dougal: … plunging my c***
[guffaws]
[bad Scottish accent] Hooorrrr
STOP. Pause. Did he just say she took a few blows from Randall?
She’s blowing some guy named Randall now?
When did I miss that?
Also, that old guy w the glasses? Bet he has white pubes. He looks like he likes black chicks anyways. Heavy ones.
Back in the Bridal Chamber
Look at those hand-hewn logs holding that building up. They’re beautiful.
Do you need me to spell “hewn” for you??
Claire’s fixing to get naked. She likes getting naked on this show.
[makes BJ gagging noises]
OMG Claire: CockBlock Extraordinaire
I’m sorry but if someone was dressed like that at work. I would have a hard time not noticing.
[Night falls] Good lord. How long is he gonna talk?
Jamie’s got bug eyes.
(giggles)
(guffaws)
[sings] Let’s Get It On, yeah.
Real Quick Dialogue Addendum
Jamie: … or to sleep?
Him: (guffaws) Sorry I have NO game, Claire.
Jamie: I’ll help you with your laces and such.
Him: … so I can look at your nipples
It’s unfortunate his first time undressing someone and he’s gonna see those fat sacks that hang around her ass.
Look he’s taking the neck thing off.
[giggles]
Why take it off?
It’s not in the way.
That corset is effing ridiculous. It’s like a big effing high-top sneaker.
A thousand holes.
[giggles]
Oh she’s liking it.
She gonna touch his junk!
Junk toucher.
Jamie: I said I was a virgin, not a monk.
Him: I practiced on a goat.
OOOoooooOOOOooo.
He’s gonna go ahead and bend her over the bed, huh?
Well he didn’t have no problem getting it in.
Claire: You’re crushing me.
Him: … with your massive c***
Hope he put a condom on that dirty d-piece
Hehe. It’s over.
giggles
guffaws
That.Is.Awkward.
Jamie: Did you like it?
Him: NO.
She gonna go out naked like that?
That guy Angus is a dick.
What’s sassenach mean?
He’s walking down there with his peen hanging out?
Geez, Dougal.
Jamie: I said I was completely under your power and happy to be there.
Him: He didn’t say that.
Was that cheese?
I thought it was pineapple.
How was he able to go down there and just grab whatever food he wanted and not pay for it?
Jamie, she can’t understand Gaelic. Quit talking to her in it.
They’re gonna f*** again!
Flashbacks
Murtagh: what a nice man.
But wash that thing off where he licked it.
What’s the banns?
Willie: Romans 6:14
Him: WOW.
What do windows have to do with it?
Angus: you great gob
[giggles]WTF is that?
Why does he want that? What does that mean?
Key to my heart?
How much is a shilling?
Look at those women freaking out over money. Typical.
Okie dokie.
I didn’t think he was gonna go with her.
Isn’t he married?
The Ceremony
She’s gonna feel sad because he’s more serious than she is, huh?
Whoa a big ass. Look at dat ass.
There’s the whore house lady like right there.
It’s actually quite pretty with the petals on it and shit.
Dougal’s like mmmmm.
Rupert’s like mmmmm. I have a boner, is what he’s thinking.
Why didn’t I wear a sword when we got married?
WTF.
Damn he’s got 7 names.
Why’d she take her ring off?
That’s the wrong hand.
OUCH. WTF is Dougal gonna kill them now?
Hope he ain’t got no aids or herpes or anything.
The SECKS
[yawns]
[retches]
[giggles]
She’s faking it.
TOTAL.
FREAKING.
SILENCE.
Like not a word.
All that BJ talk all season, and when it finally happens, he’s mute.
Not Cool, Dougal
Someone’s gonna walk in with her walking around like that.
WHAT. Dougal. What in the actual f***, Dingle???
Does he want to bone her like he owns her?
(guffaws)
Why would Dingle say he wants to f*** her?
More Secks
Oh, he did give her a pearl necklace.
The imagery is not lost on me.
I’m smarter than I look.
No, you can’t see his penis. It’s in the shadows.
Quit pausing it.
Do you realize he has a fanny pack?
Lord all they do is f*** in this episode.
Hope he washed those pearls …
… before he got them from his dead mom.
Final Scene
What the … oh
What she can’t do that!
That hoooor.
Marrying two men
Bow – lygamist.
His Final Thoughts
Too much f***ing going on. Not enough paying bills and balancing the damn checkbook and shit.
Thanks for the glowing description of marriage, blurty.
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