Entering Kleinfeld is like stepping back in time. The fully life-like mannequins with a full head of hair and makeup, the fake flowers everywhere, and the pillars and chandeliers all add up to give this place a time-capsuled old New York feel. You’re not stepping into a modern couture house, you’re stepping into the ballroom on the Titanic.
Each appointment is really structured like a performance. They trap you in a prison cell for the entire appointment, then once you’ve got a dress on that you’re in love with, they bring you out into the spacious grand room with all the sparkles and sh*t. The drama inherently in this place is hard to escape, which made me curious to see these characters on TV. For the past two weeks, I have basically just had Say Yes to the Dress on in the background of my life. It’s truly shameful. It’s on when I’m packing, cooking, and sometimes even when I fall asleep. But I’m writing about it now, which means it was really just research. So, behold the lessons I’ve learned from SYTTD:
1. People don’t know what they really want.
Or at least, they don’t know how to describe what they want. Everyone wants something “classic and elegant, but unique.” Literally almost everyone says this. Fast forward to the actual dress they fall in love with:
They ALL buy this tacky ass Pnina Tonai dress, don’t they? I’m sorry if this was your wedding gown. Yes, I am calling you tacky.
I’m gonna pull something out of left field here and relate this to Malcolm Gladwell’s TED talk in which he talks about the kind of coffee people SAY they like, versus what they actually choose in a taste test:
Brides want to feel “classic, elegant, and unique” on their wedding day, because that’s what A Bride is supposed to be. Just like how people all say they want “dark, bold” coffee, since that just feels like a much more attractive thing to associate yourself with, as opposed to “kinda weak, light roast” or “a little slutty, a sh*t-ton of rhinestones, and a poofy Disney skirt.”
2. If you don’t KNOW which one is your dress, you are dead inside.
Say Yes to the Dress has also taught me that each woman is born with a sleeper agent gene that is activated the moment you put on the perfect wedding dress. Not dress #2 or #4, but THE DRESS. This gene causes an extreme psychosomatic reaction in which you lose all sense of time and place and simply want to be a pretty princess RIGHT NOW. There are some rare models of female human who are born without this gene. They are called sociopaths.
3. Sooooo many brides want to look sexy.
Maybe I am biased as an OG member of the Surfboard club, but why do you want all your lady lumps on display for Gram and Gramps on your wedding day? Isn’t it hard enough to convince your future mother in law that you’re not an evil slooze taking away her precious boy? Why put it all out there? PS this is another Pnina Tornai gown because OBVIOUSLY.
4. Accessories wield wicked power.
When Diane brought my dearest Ali-cat out into the main showroom and put her on that pedestal, I swear to Bey that a veil and a fake bouquet flew onto her body so fast that they must also employ tiny invisible elves at Kleinfeld. These accessories elves know their sh*t. They know when someone really needs a tiara, but above all: when in doubt, put a veil on it. On the show, so many sales have been made by just adding the veil. In the words of Mos Def, “Cause baby girl got all the right weaponry / Designer fabric, shoes, and accessories…” Wield those weapons responsibly, folks. PS that veil is probably over $2,000 so check dat price tag and beware dem elves.
5. This is not a f*cking game, you need to know your sh*t.
Both the real-life Kleinfeld experience and the process of watching the show have made me realize that holy hell, I need to start researching. Brides walk in there like “I dunno I want to look nice” and not only are the consultants SO ANNOYED but for good reason – who knew there were so many different types of dresses and phrases you needed to know? I generally know what looks nice on me, but what the f*ck is a “fit n flare?!” Silk vs. organza? There is so much more to being a human woman than I realized.
6. Despite your couture dreams, someone from Long Island WILL choose your dress for you.
Acrylic nails and lipliner (oh, Camille) are a key ingredient in the bridal shopping experience. In order to have one of the classiest days of your life, you have to get really low classy for about 2 hours. These are the people of the gown, my dear. Suspend disbelief and give all your trust to a bridge and tunnel queen for this one important decision. They do seriously seem to know what they’re doing.
Since I have now written this, I need to stop watching this show. I am afraid I might end up watching Randy’s spinoff, or, Bey help me, the Atlanta version. Please don’t let me do this. Tell me to stop. I couldn’t be farther from getting in a wedding dress myself, this is just so embarrassing.
What have you learned from Say Yes to the Dress? Did you wear a Pnina Tornai gown? I’m sure you looked like a hoor. I mean, I’m sure you looked beautiful. Just beautiful.
