NO! I SAID you aren’t allowed to need me on Saturday nights.
The ONLY problem with the impending premiere of Outlander boils down to this: Some of you Basic Beechez are still stuck without Starz, and you need your husbands to ok the cable add-on. I don’t have this problem. My husband hasn’t been without premium movie channels since he realized that subscribing to them all means he will never have to go without a Brad Pitt movie available at the touch of his fingertips. He will watch any and all Brad Pitt movies, nonstop if he could. Seriously, he was watching The Mexican the other day instead of cleaning the patio. THE MEXICAN.
But I digress. Many of you have bemoaned the Ambivalent to Outlander state of your significant others, requesting that we put our powers of sarcasm and persuasion to use to aid you in your efforts to have Jamie Fraser in your bedrooms come August. We get it. We’re here to help. If you haven’t read my Guide To Pimping Outlander yet, I suggest you start there. You’ll have everyone from your boss to your landlady in love with Jamie and Claire before the week is out.
But specifically, what can you do to get your husband (or your boyfriend or your whatever) into it?
How to get him from this:
when you talk about the show, to this:
1. Mention Braveheart
I know it’s a terrible Scottish cliche of a movie, but it contains the only movie speech he ever memorized. And if he’s my husband’s age it was the first time he ever saw boobs in the theater, so he loves that movie more than he loves his car. Just casually drop into the conversation that battles and honor and freedom and Asshole Englishmen make for great watching.
Don’t front like that isn’t a totally accurate representation of your husband after 2 Scotches and 4 hours of Mel Gibson*.
*You may also mention The Patriot as the themes of honor, bravery, battles, freedom and Asshole Englishmen also feature heavily in that POS film. Mel Gibson + Historical Impossiblities + Emotional MAN-ipulation = Dude Period Film
2. Mention Dwight Schrute
Seems antithetical to all things Outlander, but let’s be real: no one’s husband is Jim Halpert or Jamie Fraser. If you take a good honest look at your man, you’ll discover that basically, most dudes are Dwight. Totally obsessed with something weird, strangely enamored of weapons, wrongly assured he can fight bears and unwilling to admit how crazy that is. Your husband is Dwight. And Dwight loved Battlestar Galactica, but more importantly, Dwight would love Jamie.
Tell me that doesn’t sound like a DianaG cliffhanger. Jamie’s not dead … HE’s the lion!
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3. Mention Victoria’s Secret
This post could easily be twitter-sized and consist solely of the words: “Caitriona Balfe’s butt.” However, I’m trying to write something worth your time, so just remind him that The Lead Lady is hot. Super hot. And her butt will feature prominently around episode 10. #spanks
4. Mention The Book
This one is a bit of reverse psychology. Ever since Jamie Fraser water-weeded his way into your loins, you’ve been begging your Mister to pick up that giant tome on your nightstand and give it a go. You pretend that it’s solely for his enjoyment and your mutual interest, but really, you just want him to learn a thing or two from the King of Men (like those skills he thrice puts to use in chapter 24).
ANYWAY, maybe some dudes will read it for you, or for the book itself, and that’s great. But I think most are pretty much onto you and why you keep slyly suggesting Couples Book Club. But keep it up. Casually mention the book to him, and as soon as you see him subtly roll his eyes, remind him that the show will be VERY close to the book itself, and if he doesn’t want to READ … well, he has options now.
5. Mention Dirks
Because dudes are into weapons. Especially super long utility knives that they get to make a million double entendre jokes about. Plus, I think at some point a Highlander will pick his teeth with one of these things.
This is Jamie’s dirk. DIRK. WITH AN R.
So, there you have it. Five tried and true ways to get your man to watch Outlander. Or, at the very least, intrigue him enough to sign off on the premium Starz subscription and sit quietly in the corner while you ignore him and watch each episode 4 times.
Is your significant other excited to watch Outlander with you? Are you hoping he finds something else to do … ANYTHING else to do … on Saturday nights so you can watch in peace?
