A couple months ago I wrote this post about how I might secretly go see 50 Shades of Grey when it came out in theaters, and Thursday, horny women all ’round the world flocked to the interwebs to get their first real glimpse of Edward Cullen Christian Grey. As a service to the women of the world (and because Bekah and Nikki are at Comic Con) Ellie and I have taken upon ourselves to break down the new 50 Shades of Grey trailer. Buckle up ladies, this is gonna be a long one.
We watch The trailer
Ellie: I have the imdb version up, which is the same, but without the diaper commercials.
Tiffany: Ha! Mine was that Always commercial about empowering girls, irony much? Well done, YouTube.
Ellie: That’s perfect.
Where Dakota looks like an over tired house wife and or Rob Pattinson via 2008
Ellie: Dakota looks like a housewife with too much on her plate and she needs a nap.
Tiffany: Yeah, it looks like her shirt buttons are buttoned all wrong like Rob Pattinson on all the Twilight press tours.
Ellie: I feel like they upped her level of awkwardness even from the original story.
Tiffany: Yes! what happened to her inner goddess? I always felt like she was a super strong character and they made her so timid first impression of her character is totally different than what you feel in the book. I just think they went too far in the styling department. Trust me, nobody dresses like that in Seattle.
Ellie: I think that the thing about the Anna character is that she is supposed to be every woman and embody every woman’s insecurities. I think that they took it beyond that.
When we discuss whats missing
Tiffany: The book is almost the same as the fanfic, even the lame inner goddess is in the book, plus she says “oh my” at least 3 times on each page. Barf. They just changed the names.
Ellie: Now I want to watch the trailer to see if they included that phrase. They have some pretty die-hard fans.
Tiffany: I think when you’re reading it as a fic you aren’t reading it all at once. At least I wasn’t I was reading it as she wrote it, so I didn’t notice how annoying the characters until I read it straight through.
Ellie: This kind of detail might be important. OR they might not care and want to skip to the RROP (red room of pain).
Tiffany: I was surprised they didn’t use “laters baby” at the end of the trailer. That would’ve gotten the housewives real revved up
Ellie: Good point. So true.
Where we need Kim Kardashians’ people on the line STAT!
Tiffany: Lets talk about the reveal of Christian Grey. This part of the trailer surprised me most.
Ellie: I loved Jamie Dornan (whatever his name is ) in Once Upon a Time. He is a great representative of all people named Jamie out there, but he’s not how I pictured CG.
Tiffany: Almost a full minute of nothing special and then bam! There’s Jamie Dornan and I am sooooo underwhelmed and you’ve gotta understand something: I am a Jamie Dornan SUPERFAN. I think he is the most beautiful man in the world, but he looks like a young David Hasselhoff in this movie. Like Night Rider Hasselhoff
Ellie: Oh no! Those are the words when you feel let down. Let’s blame it on the trailer editors, shall we?
Tiffany: His face looks weird. He doesn’t look like himself.
Ellie: Maybe he had a sinus infection?
Tiffany: I want to blame it on the makeup department. His jaw is usually so chiseled. Did they forget to contour him?
Ellie: This just proves that the entire movie would have been at least marginally better if you were on staff to supply him with hot tea and antibiotics.
Tiffany: Get Kim Kardashians team on the line, stat!!! And the Anastasia Beverly Hills Contour palette.
Ellie: See, this was a missed opportunity for them to make it better.
Tiffany: Why is his hair so puffy? Is it because its supposed to be in Seattle? Under a near constant cover of clouds and rain? The humidity is making his hair curl and frizz?
Ellie: It must be. I am sure that my hair would be a wreck. That and he needs Anna to trim it.
When our High School Foreign Language requirement fails us
Ellie: OK skipping ahead. I feel like at :59 the speed of what we are shown goes nuts.
Tiffany: Yeah but we get to see JOSE! aka Jacob.
Ellie: Why does he look so old? I really need a guide to keep the characters straight.
Tiffany: Jose is basically George Lopez’s understudy on the George Lopez Show.
Ellie: Isn’t he supposed to be Anna’s age?
Tiffany: YES! The is one thing she changed in the books she made Jacob/ Jose into the most sterotypical Mexican man. He’s always like HOLA ANNA, Como estas???*
Ellie: Poor Jacob/Jose.
Tiffany: *I do not speak Spanish or spell Spanish
Ellie: Como estas?
Tiffany: Being 1/8th Mexican, I feel offended.
Ellie: The Hispanic/Mexican/people of Latin decent (see how pc I was) that I know do not speak that way.
Tiffany: All I know is that Hispanics of the world should be pissed. Also there are Hispanic men who have names that are not Jose out there. She picked the most obvious name a white woman could pick for a Hispanic man.
What is it about Elevators?
Tiffany: Okay I’ve gotta give good ol’ Jamie Dornan this. The elevator scene is pretty hot.
Ellie: “What is it about elevators?”
Tiffany: I always seem to like him better when he plays a really aggressive character. I don’t know what that says about me.
Ellie: Maybe you should check with your inner goddess?
Tiffany: OH MY!
Ellie: HA! I am waiting for the elevator to be made into gif form for proper analyzing.
Tiffany: oh don’t worry I already have it. I had to do research for this breakdown
Ellie: So sacrificial of you. Way to take one for the the team.
Tiffany: What can I say? I am but a humble servant.
That Sounds Familiar
Tiffany: so here’s the line from Twilight: “I am incapable of leaving you alone”…”then don’t”
Ellie: I caught that!
Tiffany: Might as well have mumbles in the back ground singing Never Think. Then his whole “you should steer clear of me” is very Edwardish.
Ellie: I think that this is one of the many challenges that this movie may have. Is it going to be too much like Twilight to be enjoyable? The Twifans have those books and movies memorized. These quotes are going to bring them back to the original.
Tiffany: Reading the book made me feel that way. I couldn’t take it seriously.
Ellie: Wait! Can you see his scars on 1:39 or do I need to clean my screen?
Tiffany: HOLD ON! STOP EVERYTHING. I forgot all about them! You can see them so much better at 1:45 and he’s wearing sweet pants… sweat pants rather. haha I’m gonna call ’em sweet pants from now on.
Ellie: That works for me…does he wear them in the book?
Tiffany: I don’t know but I aint mad at him for it.
Ellie: haha!
Insert Obvious Joke here
Tiffany: uh oh Jose is back and is trying to get fresh with Anna and Christian is like NO WAY JOSE!!
Ellie: HAHAHA! You’ve been waiting to use that quote.
Tiffany: It just came to me. I can assure you that if I see it in the theater I will shout that aloud at that part.
Ellie: Maybe we will get lucky and he will actually say it.
Tiffany: That would be amazing
Chicken Fingers
Tiffany: Moving on, Christian’s family dinner
Ellie: That table is too small for them to not notice what is going on.
Tiffany: That’s what I was thinking! Its like being felt up at a table at Applebees.
Ellie: Slow your roll, Christian, I’ve got to get through my chicken strips.
Tiffany: Keep your hands where we can see them Christian… Not hot. just weird because every woman fantasizes about getting felt up at her in-laws at dinner.
Ellie: Of course every woman meaning no woman ever.
Boobs and Butt?
Ellie: Ok, skipping to when he shows her his playroom. I like the look on Dakota’s face. I feel like she nailed the right about of discomfort in this scene.
Tiffany: Agreed. I wonder how much they are going to get away with.
Ellie: I don’t think they will get away with as much as her fans are hoping for.
Tiffany: I mean its going to have to get an R rating and there’s only so much an R rating will let ya do. Lots of butt and some boob is my guess. Do people really WANT to see everything thats in the book?
Ellie: No. Definitely no.
Tiffany: Will it be the stunning storytelling that’s going to bring them to the theaters? Why will people see this?
Ellie: You mean when they already have Twilight on cable?
Tiffany: And porn on the internet. Personally, I prefer my Jamie Dornan murderey like in The Fall, again not sure what that says about me.
Ellie: I think that women will go in groups to see this, much like Magic Mike. It’s the novelty of the racy material that will make women feel like they are getting their turn for entertainment. Meanwhile, I will be happily content with my Twilight and Outlander.
Tiffany: It always comes back to Twilight and Outlander and rightfully so.
Belly Buttons and Boot Cut Jeans
Tiffany: I do want to talk about the two most disturbing things in the trailer.
1. His belly button seems to be about 3 inches higher than a normal mans
2. Boot cut jeans? Is this 1998? I imagined those jeans much sexier. This is a huge problem for me.
Ellie: HA! That’s not where I expected you to go. I can’t speak for his belly button, but I think that is Seattle, maybe he’s a closet hipster?
Tiffany: Uhh clearly you’ve never been to Seattle, because no man would be caught dead wearing boot cut jeans.
Ellie: Well after seeing this trailer I now assume that people there wear lots of floral and boot cut jeans.
Tiffany: So far we’ve pissed off Seattleites and the Hispanic population of the world, and when I say we I mean them.
Final Thoughts
Tiffany: Will you go see this movie?
Ellie: Netflix would have made this great. I don’t see myself going to see it in the theaters. How about you?
Tiffany: Even though I wrote a post about secretly going to see it I probably won’t.
Ellie: Maybe other trailers will change our minds, but it’s going to take a lot for that to happen for me.
Tiffany: The first time I saw the trailer, I cringed. I can’t imagine what I would be like seeing it with a group of people. I will go to a Seattle premiere if they have one though ya know… for “work reasons.”
Ellie: Well, yes. Anything for reader’s advisory.
What did you guys think of the trailer? Will you see the movie?
