Lorena
Sat Nav/GPS
Forget Siri, they already make TomTom, which is well overdue for a rebranding. Can you imagine having Tom Hiddleston give you directions the next time you need them? Road rage would simply disappear from the English speaking cultures of the world. But as people who have done daily 1 hour commutes in stopped interstate traffic, we want more than just GPS directions, and we know that Tom can give more.
The re-branded TomTom Hiddleston would have a Sonnets and Soliloquies option when they see that traffic is in the red zone. We imagine it would go something like this:
You in traffic: (loud groan alone in your car)
TomTom Hiddleston: Darling, I see that you’re stuck in a massive tailback, would you like to hear some Sonnets and Soliloquies whilst you idle?
You: Yes, please.
TomTom Hiddleston: Splendid! Shall I put it on Random Selection or did you have a specific desire in mind?
You: Oh Tom, I always have a specific desire in mind when it comes to you. But, random is fine.
TomTom Hiddleston: To confirm, you would prefer Random Selection?
You: Yes, Tom.
TomTom Hiddleston: Lovely, I’ll begin then…
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief…
You see how excellent that would be? Every time you got in the car it would be like going on an adventure with Tom Hiddleston. He would never say things like, “Recalculating” either. No, TomTom Hiddleston would understand that things happen on the road and would instead say things like, “Oops! We missed that turn. No matter, just keep on until you can turn around and then we’ll get back on track.” or “I see you’re feeling rebellious today, darling. Let me know if you want directions or just to swap over to some music.” or “Ehehehehe, I was tired of that route anyway!”
Museum Guide Apps
We already know that Tom’s a critical part of the British Museum after his Book of the Dead narration, but what if he did a museum world tour app series? On your next trip to MoMA, El Reina Sofia, or the Louvre wouldn’t it be nice to have Tom along for the journey from the comfort of your phone? Tom Hiddleston explaining the history and political function of Picasso’s Guernica to you before going over each panel in detail? #swoonsjustimagining
Having the option to change the tone of Tom’s guide would be great, too. I can imagine sitting in Monet section of MoMA and swapping from Informative Tom to Funny Tom. All of the sudden he would be impersonating Owen Wilson at the beginning of Midnight in Paris, giving you the background of where Monet lived when he was painting his Water Lilies series.
(yes, we photoshopped this one, too) source 1, 2, 3
English Beer
Let’s keep it real for a second: English beer needs an image do-over for the 21st century. Sure, cask ale is a trend in this one bar in Williamsburg, but that’s just some dude living out his cask ale dreams. The rest of the world likes beer cooler than room temperature and interesting in its flavor.
Someone somewhere in England (probably near Shoreditch where rent is cheaper) needs to be working on a microbrew that can be exported. Tom Hiddleston needs to be their sponsor. Would you buy a Loki Lager? A Hiddleston Hopgasm Ale? A Double Firsts Double IPA? A Dark World Stout? A Time for Tom Porter?
I know I would buy that. I would buy cases of that.
Jamie
Manuals and Guides for the Boring Things in Life
I recently had to pick a new insurance policy, and I’m sure at least some of you know that there is a ton of boring crap to read through when it comes to that stuff. Legal documents, mortgages, retirement plans and the like all have a soul crushing amount of dry jargon and I don’t know about you, but it gets to be so boring and tedious and full of facts and figures that it gets to the point where I can’t even process the information anymore. If these companies wanted people to treat their services and products less like a dull necessity and more like an exciting life goal, they’d include Mr. Hiddleston in their guides and manuals.
Why thank you, Thomas. I will most definitely remember any information that you provide to me. What is that fact or figure that I need to recall? Oh yes, it was right there on that page where Tom was looking exceptionally dapper. Also, in the same vain as Lorena’s GPS idea, they should have Tom as the “hold music” for their hotline. Collectively, I was on hold for hours when I was choosing my insurance. Not that I don’t love the easy listening version of “Careless Whisper,” but could they at least try to put something better in there? Might I suggest Loki’s Stuttgart speech from “The Avengers,” or a poem that gives you confusing sexual feelings about Winnie the Pooh!
Ceiling Buddy Tom
I’m very rarely more stressed out than I am when I have to go to the dentist. “Let me explain to you why you should ALWAYS use a toothbrush with the very softest of bristles while I dig at your mouth with this metal hook-y tool.” What the hell, dentists?! In an effort to make the whole thing more relaxing, some of the dentists I’ve had have installed in their ceiling what they believe to be a calming tile with a pattern of clouds on it. As if that one rectangle of a blue sky with fluffy white blobs on it is going to distract me. Wouldn’t it be great if there were all kinds of different filters that they could put in there for you? Maybe some baby animals for the kids, etc. I can totally picture it: I’m feeling super nervous about that weird, suck-y straw thing that they make you close your mouth around to suck out all the toothpaste when I look up and realize that valiant “War Horse” Tom won’t let anything happen to me in this dastardly office.
Come to think of it, I believe that my gynecologist has the weird cloud ceiling too. I won’t get into the details about how the Ceiling Buddy would be useful in that situation, but I’m pretty sure we can all guess amiright? Regardless, there are plenty of uses for this product!
Cookbook
I cook almost every night at my house and have done so for quite a few years. The only thing that I’m not super strong in is desserts, mostly because I haven’t really had much occasion to make anything fancy, and so I don’t have much practice with them. You can’t just cut down the portions to make a pan of brownies for one or two people. But regardless of my own sweet endeavors, many of us are aware that Tom loves dessert. And if you’re one of the people who isn’t aware of that: Tom loves dessert.
And we already know that he schooled Cookie Monster on the best way to go about eating baked goods. We also know that we would most likely buy the hell out of a cookbook where Tom tells us how to make all of his favorite puddings. He already rocks baked potato making:
So I doubt he would have too many problems with dessert. Corny cookbook pictures of Tom in an apron, covered in flour, doing those corny poses with all the dishes he makes. Yes please.
Photo source. Amazing title courtesy of my sleep deprived brain.
I’m lining up to buy my copy already.
