Some big Twilight news came out this weekend & we called upon our Twilight-loving alter-egos to report the latest. We mean break it down. Or just do what they do best…. (be really bitchy) Remember UC & Moon?
Moon: helllooooo, UC!
UC: hiiiii, Moon! IT’s been so long! We have so much to catch up on!
Moon: Wow.. Give me a second here.. Moon is dusty in the closet
UC: Well, bring her out. Dust her off! Bring out that bitch!
Moon: let me get her out of there… She’s stored next to the Edward Cullen duvet cover and the 4xl taylor lautner shirt. How’s UC doing? Cuz Moon’s inner bitch is a quieter and gentler beast these days
UC: Well.. UC has been busy— found a new hobby: Jamie Fraser, Will Sumner, That guy from Deeper whose name is escaping me at this moment. basically UC is going through a sexy man phase.
Moon: also.. THEO JAMES
UC: ACTUALLY… I decided Moon can have Theo. SORRY THEO
Moon: wow UC and Moon are really maturing
UC: Yeah… UC shares with Moon. UC turned 30 and only reads books with sex #youknowhattheysay
Moon: they’re like ready for admittance into a red hat society club (online)
The Big Twilight News of 2014
Moon: so what does UC want to talk to moon about. she’s getting bitchier by the moment…she’s really hungry
UC: I want to talk about the BIG NEWS in the Twilight fandom. obviously I’m talking about the news of Paul McDonald and Nikki Reed’s divorce.
Daryl is so sad
Taylor is still really upset about this news from a few years back but I bet he cares about Nikki’s divorce too..
And.. I just wanted to check in.. see how you were doing
Moon: insert the string version of their duet from the BD 2 soundtrack here
UC: You mean this?
I really bought those two crazy kids were gonna make it. I really felt that their love, out of all of the Twilight kids love, was unbroken
Moon: i mean clearly, i’ve been inconsolable… like the people in the People Facebook post announcing their spilt. everyone is REALLY torn up about it
UC: yes…. especially these commenters
Moon: JAY KAY. I’m actually shocked they lasted this long
UC: Me too… That was what…. 2 years? 3?
Moon: I mean obviously the only reason Nikki was with Paul was to show the world (read: Kristin Stewart) that she had moved on from Rob and was in a way better place and had a WAY better musician boyfriend. He was a (7th place) american idol after all!
UC: Obviously. And it worked. Kristen was really torn up about it
Moon: totally was. she went out and cheated on Rob when she found on Nikki was getting married before her
UC: decided that it wasn’t even worth being with Rob anymore to Piss her off
Moon: that’s clearly the decision anyone would make
UC: exactly- those two.. always looking to one up each other on the scandals. So obviously the only thing next for Nikki Reed to do is… Break up Jackson’s marriage with Sheila Hafiwhatever
Moon: or to get back with Rob. Now that he IS free and all…
UC: GOD WHAT IF THAT HAPPENS. hahahahahhaa. i would laugh so hard
Moon: i mean a yearish is a socially acceptable time in the twi world for her to make her move
UC: mostly because of all the Robsten fan sites uproar. I actually WELCOME this
Moon: i would become Moon again full time if it did
UC: i might PRAY for this
Moon: (Well at least moon enough for a letter every month or so)
UC: I would become UC full time too. Like i Might change my name
Moon: it’s worth all that legal hassle
UC: I just registered for TSA pre check and it sucked– I’d do it again under my new legal name just to see that happen. Can you IMAGINE the Nutty Madam video? Emma get ready! Start prepping.
Moon: PAGING EMMA. just go ahead and do a preemptive video NOW before it happens
UC: Right…. we all know it’s happening. They’re gonna go to a bar in Oregon for old times sakes. Rob is going to bite a baby. Then they’re gonna get drunk, high and whatever those crazy kids do these days… and get to it.
Texts from Nikki to Rob
Moon: you know Nikki has been calling Ron nonstop since the news hit.
UC: {obviously this photo i’m talking about}
UC: Totally. Rob’s phone has been BLOWING UP
Moon: I’m so gald you had that photo saved and were able to pull it up so fast. Even on your new computer!
UC: First thing I transferred over from my old hard drive- The Twilight photos: the early years.
Moon: YUP
UC:
Moon:
and you shaved your head and i stood up for you just by hanging out with you at a Box Brothers?
IN the meantime…. UC’s computer froze and the convo continued via text
UC via text: Computer just froze. New computer can’t handle the box pics
Moon via text: Too much chemistry between them. Even mac OS whatever can’t handle that sexual appeal 5 years later
Moon:
UC: hahahaha. THAT PIC! Oh the hours some poor fan spent zooming in trying to decide if Nikki really was grabbing onto Rob’s junk (yes. “That fan” confession. She was)
Moon: YES
UC: And rob keeps responding to Nikki’s texts:
Moon: robs response at the very end:
UC: JINX
Moon: JINX
UC: Nikki’s like:
Moon:
The Twilight Star’s reactions
UC: So.. do you think Nikki has heard from any of her Twilight friends since the announcement? What do you think Kellan said? “Is Paul switching teams? Tell him to hit me up, if so”
Moon: Kristin sent a muffin basket with her “deepest sympathies” {aka I SEE YOU BITCH!}
UC: Peter Fach is like “One night, on me Nikki. I’ll make you forget allll about Paul” (who she has already forgotten about. POOR Paul) Isn’t it Kristen? do you forget the spelling already?
Moon: who is KRISTIN??? OMG it is with an E ! Oops. Clearly the love is still broken for me
UC: hahah. it’s been #toolong. That’s so sad!! #RIPTWILIGHT
Moon: But how many cackles were heard amongst the robsteners when this news came out? did any of their hearts unfreeze?
UC: I bet there were so many things in the message boards. Let me log onto RobstenLovers.com real quick
Moon: or are the Robsteners still camped outside Ye Rustic Inn with #Unbroken signs???
UC: (JK i forget my password to that forum)
Moon: HAHAHA what about the super NOT secret nonsten board?? I always forgot my trolling username and password. Sigh….THOSE were the days
UC: haha….Was that nonsten.com? I forget!? Or did we run that? Seriously… I forget. Oh man…. those WERE the days
Moon: Do you think she called up Gwyneth Paltrow to commiserate and Gwyn was like “WHO IS THIS?”
UC: I DEF think that. But: WHAT DO WE THINK ERIK ODOM HAS TO SAY ABOUT IT? OR JD PARDO? I’m going to tweet them to find out.
Moon: Even erik and jd were commenting on people.com going WHO? Was she in Twilight?
UC: Then they remembered. Because NO ONE forgets this:
*shudders*
Are you guys torn up about Nikki Reed and Paul McDonald’s Divorce? How much do you miss UC and Moon. Be honest. But make sure you say “a lot”
*Hey guys: Divorce is sad. Whether it’s a celeb, semi-celeb or real person it’s none of our business. We obviously have no idea what went down between Nikki & Paul nor do we really care. But it’s not fun to say “Divorce is sad! We wish them well! Give them privacy guys!” So that’s not what we do around these parts. We’d rather poke fun of the parts of their personalities we made up. So don’t get mad, mmkay? Or if you do get mad, get mad at UC & moon because those bitches are mean.
