Why Am I Still Afraid of Online Dating?

In today’s episode, we’re going to talk about my own blazing hypocrisy. “But Elise,” you might be asking yourself, “on which topic?” Very funny. Specifically, the fact that I can’t shake this stigma around online dating, even when I have plenty of Internet friends whom I cherish. Paint me with a red letter H. I’m old fashioned.

What I don’t quite understand myself is why I believe rather strongly that you can make wonderful friendships online that transfer to in-person magic, but somehow think differently about doing so for romantic relationships. Do years of fiction-induced brainwashing play a role? Likely. That’s normal, right?

Adrien Chen recently wrote an amazing article in part on meeting people online, and the depth of the relationship that is possible. He noted:

“When someone asks me how I know someone and I say “the internet,” there is often a subtle pause, as if I had revealed we’d met through a benign but vaguely kinky hobby, like glassblowing class, maybe. The first generation of digital natives are coming of age, but two strangers meeting online is still suspicious (with the exception of dating sites, whose bare utility has blunted most stigma).”

Not me! My stigma is SHARP.

My coworker/friend/cofriend Alyce wrote this incredible piece on the sociology of OkCupid in particular, which, while fascinating, has only led me to run faster away from the service. Let me attempt to work this out here.

My online dating fears:

1. Murder. Listen, I’m not kidding. I’m supposed to meet some rando out for drinks after exchanging a few leading messages carefully designed to get us both at this bar IRL? I’m probably safer wading into the depths of twitter and angering Chris Brown fans.
2. Uggos. Or, the non-mean version, people with whom I have no chemistry. I’m not good at hiding my thoughts on my face. In this kind of scenario, when neither of us know each other or need to see each other again, why waste a whole evening if we know it’s not going anywhere?
3. Expectations and/or rings. This is the part I should not be writing anywhere on the internet: I’m really not looking for my soulmate right now. But as a lady, isn’t putting that anywhere on an online dating profile just asking for a whole world of trouble? How do you say something like that without attracting a bunch of guidos?
4. Being discovered. There are plenty of people out there who don’t like me. Perhaps you, right now, are not a huge fan of whatever it is I’ve got going on. That doesn’t bother me so much as it used to, but I certainly don’t need to give you folks any more material.
5. Death by awkward. I just don’t know if I have many more dinners in me during which I have to carry the entire conversation. See #2: if you aren’t feeling it, why don’t you just GTFO. I can have a grand ol’ time by myself with this malbec.

Here’s the other thing…I think I’ve been on like, three dates in my life. I really have no idea of the protocol. At some point, he’s supposed to take his coat off and let me walk on it, right? Do guys from the internet do that?

I guess what it all comes down to is: as much as I joke around like I’m a badass, I’m actually pretty sensitive and anxious. Wait, you guys knew that? Well, crap. Anyways, I think I’m just afraid of dating in general, more so than meeting people online. I feel like I should know how to do this by now, instead of bumbling my way through it at age 26. Also, I’m too proud to let guys pay for things all the time. Screw that.

source 

But I still see “dating” and “actually meeting someone I care about” as very different endeavors. I’m still too much of a traditionalist to want to meet someone for a real relationship through some online profile. I really don’t know why, but I think it’s the one part of me that kind of believes in fate or something bigger than myself (yes, bigger than the internet). Right now, I just want to be single, but go on dates as more of an activity, I guess. Is that a thing? Trusted advisors tell me it is.

The one thing that might drive me to online dating is time. But for now, I’m going to try to put on real pants (ugh not worth it) and go outside (this sounds terrible wtf) with some makeup on (think this is a mistake) to a bar or some social place (no stop go home to sweatpants) and meet other humans (maybe there will be dogs there). Can I do this successfully? Likely, no. Will I update you with hilarious stories? Absolutely. PS: spending Valentine’s Day with my mom. Not joking.

Have I utterly incensed you with my online dating stigma? Do you have stories? I know you’ve got stories. Do you have ADVICE? Omg give me the advice.

sexay Russian dude image from here