It’s not a hard and fast rule, but most of our favorite book-to-screen franchises are based on young adult novels. I don’t really know why that is. I mean, obviously we also love Game of Thrones, Sherlock, True Blood, and Hannibal which are all perfectly acceptable ADULT fiction to TV fare. But it seems like by and large, we embrace YA books and YA adaptations with unflagging anticipation.
But lately, the big anticipatory obsession around here has been Outlander, the uber-popular, verra adult book series turned premium TV series on Starz. It’s a break from our normal for a franchise (books + screen + merchandise + fandom) to not be marketed and geared toward teens. Ew, are we growing up? Let’s not get into how most of us are in our 30s and not our 20s now, because that is not what matters here, hokay? Instead, Jamie and I decided to break down the Outlander franchise AS IF IT WERE YA. You know, angsty teen girl is dating the steady, but maybe not so love of her life when she meets the over-protective, hottest, most aloof guy in town. OH LET THE SHIP WARS BEGIN.
The Books
Will there be Team Frank?
Beth: I don’t know if I think Jamie would be a virgin in the YA novel or not
like is he a nerdy, studious hero or a playboy
Jamie: Claire is raised by some hippy free love parents and attended BJ work shops with her mom
Beth: haha omg. I know that girl.
Jamie: HAHHAH
Beth: She’s the life of the party
Jamie: and I see Jamie is very catholic traditional
Beth: But … bad boy?
Jamie: He works the system
the nuns love him
but still a VIRGIN
Beth: Claire is dating Frank, the popular rich kid at the start of the novel
He’s really good to her but SOMEthing is missing
Jamie: he’s TOO perfect
Beth: he’s shady
But there is a whole contingent of TEAM FRANK fans
Jamie: He will of course do something SERIOUSLY SO SWEET for her in the beginning
that the fans will never let go
TEAM FRANK FOREVA
Beth: Yes, he’s got like ONE redeeming quality, but they keep forgetting he left her by the side of the road because he was late for lacrosse practice
Jamie: Yes, has other obsessions/priorities
Beth: And Jamie drives by in his mustang and offers her a ride, even though it’s totally out of his way and he’ll be late for something TOTALLY SWOONY. Like his guitar tutoring.
Jamie: HABITAT FOR HUMANITY
Beth: Like he teaches little 3 year olds fencing
Jamie: teaches littles at the local rec center
Beth: BUT … he’s got a secret
He can’t tell anyone, but Claire’s sweetness and availability and ZOMG uniqueness make him confide in her
Jamie: SOMETHING THAT WILL TEAR THEM APART 75% THROUGH THE BOOK
YA Jamie is into frottage
Beth: Big question: will there be sex?
Will Claire take YA Jamie’s virginity like a hedgehog (ie verra carefully)
Jamie: In my head, there’s lots of hot dry humping scenes
and maybe a little just the tip first
Beth: Plenty of frottage, check
Frottage with YA Jamie is almost hotter than the waterweed scene
Jamie: I think this is where her BJ workshop skills come into play
Beth: And her mother’s insistence that she know how to take care of herself, bc YA virgin Jamie can’t last halfway through an episode of Walking Dead
Jamie: and that’s being generous
Back Tatts and Taco Trucks
Beth: Things that don’t happen in the YA version of the books:
witch trials
unless it’s paranormal YA
Jamie: beatings of Claire’s ass
Beth: right. but rape is fair game because maybe this is SRS BSNS YA
Jamie: And men in creepy vans exist
poor Jamie
Beth: Duke Of Sandringham is a taco truck owner
that Jamie worked for one summer
Jamie: Food trucks have very tight spaces
Beth: AS DOES JAMIE’S KILT.
Jamie: Duke’s excuse of rubbing past Jamie because of tight quarters only works so many times
Beth: WAIT. Are there kilts in this version?
Jamie: I’m thinking for formal dances?
rocking the Scottish heritage
Beth: Maybe it’s a private Catholic school and everyone wears skirts IDK
NO
I KNOW
Jamie is the ONLY scottish kid in the school, and he wears a kilt to be punk or whatever
Jamie: YES
Beth: But Claire thinks it is SO HOT
But unfortch so does Laoghaire, whose name in this version is Layla.
Jamie: and like most Catholic school girls, she’s a tongue slut
he’d have to go punk with the bright red hair
Beth: He’s got back tattoos instead of scars
Jamie: mmm back tats
The Show
Outlander: Coming this Fall on the CW
Beth: So let’s talk about the show … obviously it’s on the CW.
Jamie: Kevin Williamson produces it.
Beth: WHO?
Jamie: Dawson’s Creek and Vampire Diaries
it introduces the US population to lots of Scottish Rock
Beth: Yeah, it’s got a kickass soundtrack.
Jamie: and Garbage
Beth: haha. It has like a GIANT episode order: 24 for the first season, and it only covers the first 5 chapters
Jamie: there’s USTY sexual tension for most of the season
culminating with some hot making out and a reach around
Beth: against a tree
or a set of lockers
And Frank walks in
BOOM SEASON FINALE
They cast Black Jack as the principal or the dean or whatever
Jamie: provost
Beth: OMG YES
And he’s FRANK’S DAD or uncle or something. His guardian for sure.
Don’t Tell Diana We Kind of Just Wrote a Fanfic
Jamie: you know what would make this 10 times hotter
Beth: what
Jamie: the tv show changes it up from the book and it is at a boarding school
Beth: oh yum … clandestine late night room meetings
OH and then Jamie could do the whole “sleeping outside Claire’s door to protect her” thing like her first night there
Jamie: Yes, late night meetings in the laundry room … HOT
Beth: WATERWEED IN THE WEIGHT ROOM
Jamie: STABLES
Maybe Jamie does work study in the stables
helps pay his tuition
Beth: oh GAH, because he’s a sweet little Scottish immigrant
We have this nice little story written here. THIS IS WHY DG should allow fanfiction
Jamie: Shhh, well just steal these ideas and write our own novel.
Beth: Claire calls him “James” while no one else does
Jamie: YES, LOVE THIS STORY SO MUCH ALREADY
The Merch
Beth: Like if Outlander was seriously YA, it would have its own tartan vomit section in Hot Topic
Jamie: Every girl is stealing their mom’s costume jewelry for gems
Unless you get the Official Outlander Gems at Kay Jewelers
or the priced just right special at Walmart
Beth: DG does a special thistle heart necklace design for CLAIRE’s … because Claire’s gets all the exclusive Outlander jewelry
Jamie: Nordstrom does a high end collection of bodices
Beth: Tons of little sporran backpacks, hedgehog t-shirts, fake Jamie tattoos, REAL Jamie tattoos for the extra crazies
Jamie: Hair care line to get Claire’s curls
Beth: hahha and a curling iron!
product to get Jamie’s signature spikes
Jamie: OOOOH, Feria by L’oreal offers RED JAMIE color
Beth: Girls start making their boyfriends wear kilts and cravats to prom
There are entire sections of the PB Teen dedicated to thistle bedding
Jamie: Williams Sonoma sell herb kits to cure any ailment (meanwhile it’s all just aromatic tea)
Beth: oh that’s right … because she’s hippie spawn
she’s got an herb garden and sells homemade soap
so now all the fans do too
Jamie: In Colorado, there’s a Claire strain of weed sold
she’s an excellent botanist
The Fandom
Ed Sheerhan and Tansy Oil Care Packages
Jamie: Fandom has a huge young ginger following
Beth: they petition Ed Sheerhan to be their music mascot and write for the soundtrack
Jamie: fandom ranges from tweens to moms in their 40s, who can simultaneously fangirl with their daughters
Beth: They fight over which room in the house gets the cardboard cut out Jamie
Jamie: Cougarita moms regularly send care packages to the actors
which at first was sweet, but then became ultra creepy when they got super specific
Beth: like cheese wheels and condoms
except it’s Outlander so it’s bannocks and tansy oil
Jamie: stories pass along the internet how fans show up at the actors’ parents house with flowers to thank them for actor Jamie being born
Clanks Vs Clairmies
Beth: The dream casting for the show was a huge ordeal
The moms wanted Zac Efron and Alexis Bledel
Jamie: hardcore fans know of some indie rocker that would be perfect for Jamie although no one is quite sure if he is gay or just European
most go for bi-curious
Beth: some ginger actor from Lincolnshire who got turned down as a Weasley brother
Beth: What are the ships?
Claire and Jamie fans = Clairmies
Claire and Frank shippers = Flaires?
Jamie: CLanks
Beth: Hahaa. Clanks are psuedo-intellectuals who write really long, erudite tumblr dissertations on why Frank is better off without Claire
and eventually they hate every character EXCEPT Frank
Jamie: all Clairmies believe the actors are in love IRL
Beth: oh that goes without saying
Beth: they friend the actors’ siblings on Facebook, and when that backfires … instagram spam them
Jamie: fake tumblr accounts sprout up
Beth: Trolls talk about how Jamie is secretly super gay … and wants Black Jack
Jamie: And finally season 2 is spoiled by that Latin american fangirl who hacked into the director’s computer
Beth: She finally goes into hiding, and everyone internet bullies her by nicknaming her Geillis.
OH FANDOM
So, there you have it: if Outlander was YA. It’s pretty awful. I’m glad we are getting the real thing instead. SPEAKING OF WHICH, we know you guys have seen the alternate ending trailer, but just in cases …
OMG his smirky mcsmirkston face and his accent and Claire’s pissed off glare and THANK GOD THIS BUSINESS ISN’T YA. Tell us what you can’t wait to see in the comments.
