And by the way, if I have to watch 17 new shows this semester (and I do have to watch them) can one of them please be Outlander? Gah.Throw me a brass rod bone, Starz.
Anyway, imagine my surprise* when Black Sails showed up a couple of weeks early in my queue the other day. They decided to throw the pilot out there a little early, and I’m kind of totally glad they did. It trumped a couple of other shows I had planned to watch (mostly because Matthew McCougnahay in True Detective looks exactly like my Uncle Ricky, and that makes me feel bad that we haven’t invited him to Thanksgiving in, like, 8 years).
*Actually, I wasn’t surprised at all because I didn’t know when the airdate was supposed to be. I can’t even remember when I scheduled drinks with my friends ON THE SAME DAY I scheduled said drinks. I have a problem with dates.
Black Sails is like Game of Thrones … but pirates?
“Pirates were like a real thing? They seem like unicorns or something.” I wish I could take credit for this gem, but this is the first thing my husband said when the credits started rolling. But I have to agree. My world history education was fairly expansive, so I’m aware that pirating was a legit thing, but cutlasses, swarthy scum, left-lobe earrings and the like seem like they should be relegated to PotC exit gift shop. Also, there’s a lot more naked ladies than I saw the last time I took that boat ride at Disney.
So, people seem to die straight off. Blood was spurting on the camera lens. And boobs. So yes. GoT but with historically accurate people and places and pirates.
Ships are the iPhones of the 18th century.
Ships seem like super fragile. Like one canon ball to the mast and they’re manuevering like my grandmother’s blind, vertigo-stricken Pekinese, which is particularly problematic when there are more canon balls headed their way. I get that they seemed like OMG THE BEST TECHNOLOGY EVER WE CAN CONQUER THE DEVIL WATER but they’re way expensive and are total sh*t at staying in one, un-shattered piece.
Also: Ship chases are super anti-climactic. Like those things move sooooooo slow.
omg they will never catch you. chill out
Hot Pirate Guys
First, there is GingSer Jorah … I mean … this guy.
He’s the main guy. I can’t tell if his name is Flynn or Flint or Flaunt to be quite honest. All kinds of accents flying around this show. And he looks just like a ginger bearded Ser Jorah, but is apparently some other sunken cheeked British guy.
Then there is LONG JOHN SILVER
… no not the poor man’s Captain Ds, but the character … who is ironically the shortest guy in the cast. If you’re into that. These girls seem to be.
Guess it doesn’t matter that he’s 5’1″ when he’s lying down. Personally, I like my pirates less Taylor Lautner and more … LIKE THIS GUY.
… who I was calling Big Dumb Tons of Fun in my head until I found out his name is Billy Bones (played by Tom Hopper), which is, shall I say, very apt. Although BDToF is pretty spot on with all of his facial expressions.
Even Hotter Chicks
I don’t want to diminish the importance of the girls in this show by pointing out that they are hot. I mean, they are, but thankfully they are far more than decorative interest for the straight guys tuning in. Smart, resourceful, powerful women with *shock* THEIR OWN PLOT LINES but like also twisty connections to other plot points that aren’t one note or strictly about the men in the show. It’s kind of revolutionary.
There’s some crazy cross-dressing assassin lady-pirate, based on a real woman, Anne Bonny, who totally decimates this gigantic scary guy on the beach. She’s literally the most terrifying character in the pilot.
There is a girl named Max. Or Mags. Or Mast. Anyway, she’s like an entrepreneur. An importer/exporter. Ok, she’s a prostitute. But she’s wily. She also gets as much, if not more screen time, than every dude on the show, and she looks to be playing just about everyone. Can’t wait to see where she goes.
Then there is Eleanor Guthrie who just about literally owns the island port where the show is set. She doesn’t seem fully sure of herself or her decisions, but she makes the rules and these scallywags all defer to her. Oh, and she gets Max. In fact, their relationship is the only one in the pilot that looks set up to be at all romantic. LEZZZBEANS. But like, real ones. With what looks to be heartbreak on the horizon.
Final Question
Is all this homosexuality going both ways? Because guys, if you want to explore that unresolved sezzual tension in a future episode, I’ll take back that Taylor Lautner talk.
If this doesn’t scream SLASH to you, go home.
OMG you guys, we can almost-literally SHIP people from this show. It’s a SHOW about SHIPS. FANGIRL VORTEX.
So, do you have room on your DVR for one more show? Let me know what you think of the guys and gals in Black Sails. I call dibs on Big Dumb Tons of Fun.
