“Prob’ly won’t make no money off this. Oh well.”

Beyonce just punked all of us, you guys. Early this morning, she released an entire new album as a SURPRISE. Not only that, but this is a “visual album” (I know, wut?) which means there is a music video for every song, plus video extras. Grab your coffee, hold onto your butts, and let’s get into this:

Pretty Hurts

First of all, life is hard out there for a B.

Jesus. Okay. Queen Bey does beauty queen for a bit, making all sorts of social commentary on our obsession with beauty and perfection when really “our souls need surgery.” Sure. It’s hard to hear you over your sparkly butt, though. This video DID help me find my new workout outfit, however:

Ghost

HELL YES WEIRD AS SHIT BEY

This is my favorite, hands down. It’s creepy, it’s beautiful, and it makes no sense whatsoever (doesn’t need to!) She’s even got some Martha Graham stuff happening:

I don’t remember what the song was about because it doesn’t matter. Look at her!!

Haunted

Someone’s been binging on American Horror Story on Netflix. That is all.

Drunk in Love

Oh I love this: B has a drunken dance party on the beach while singing about how much sex she and HOVA have. This is my happy place.

Also, I want to be friends with them. I mean, that goes without saying, but they really seem like they might be [very rich, very baller] dorks:

Blow

We go back in time to some 70s/80s hybrid to discuss…no, it can’t be.

Oh, okay. Guess that’s pretty straightforward.

No Angel

You know those moments where the opening shot tells you everything you need to know? This is one of those.

‘Yonce

“When you want a smash I just write another one.” Bey does humble.

It’s my life’s dream to be part of this Bad Girl’s Club, and it will never happen:
But this is what we look like in San Diego for Comic Con, right ladies?! Right.

Partition

This song is about rolling up the partition in the limo so Bey and Jay can have sex en route to an event. This is real life.

Jealous

“I’m in my penthouse half naked. I cooked this meal for you naked. So where the hell you at?” Amazing. Real world problems.

Rocket

This one is also about sex. Pretty sure.

Mine

I don’t…I don’t know what this is. Not secks.

 But then Drake comes in and makes everything better with another beach dance party. Thanks, Drake!

XO

Ohhhh, this was when B greeted the plebes at Coney Island. This song is meh.

Flawless

Oh hell yes dirty Bey in an oddly Seattle-90s grunge scene. DIRTY ANGRY B.

Superpower

The future is a violent place with a lot of underboob. But it’s all ok, because I would happily die listening to Frank Ocean.

Also, Ninja Bey.

ALSO MICHELLE AND KELLY ARE IN THIS ONE be still, my DC heart.

Heaven

This one’s super sad, and not shockingly, about someone who died. Not a terribly interesting song, nonetheless, but I still can’t believe she did ALL THESE VIDEOS.

Blue

Oh god, this is basically B, HOVA, and Blue Ivy’s vacation video. With shots of Blue’s toes:

But let’s bring it back to B. Also, this is what your vacations look like too, right?

Grown Woman

This might be my favorite just for its wackassitude. It starts off with old home videos of young Bey, which YES:

Then it just turns into a hilarious series of Beyonce and frandz dancing to crazy backgrounds like Fly Girls, all while she sings “I’m a grooooown woman. I do whatEVER I want.”

So YES, this will be on regular rotation in my apartment.

WE MADE IT. That’s all, folks! Thanks for taking that wild ride with me. Get the album here, I promise it’s entertaining as hell.

And hey B: I just bought two tickets to your show next week, so YOU WIN. Take all of my money.