OMG THIS IS THE WORST SHOW EVER!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!
Ok, now that I’ve gotten that outta my system I can thoroughly enjoy CW’s Reign for what it is: totally historically inaccurate, almost insufferable, laughable acting, punchable actors and glorious, glorious, well manicured, fluff.
What’s Reign About:
“Reign is a period drama television series following the early years of Mary, Queen of Scots, in 1557 France.” That little blurb is courtesy of Wikipedia
The CW’s version is, typically longer:
“Hidden between the lines of the history books is the story of Mary Stuart, the young woman the world would come to know as Mary, Queen of Scots. The teenage Mary is already a headstrong monarch ─ beautiful, passionate and poised at the very beginning of her tumultuous rise to power.
Arriving in France with four close friends as her ladies-in-waiting, Mary has been sent to secure Scotland’s strategic alliance by formalizing her arranged engagement to the French king’s dashing son, Prince Francis. Further complicating things is Bash, Francis’ handsome, roguish half-brother, who has a history of his own ─ despite his illegitimate birth, Bash is his father’s favorite.
What’s Reign REALLY About:
If you combined Marie Antoinette, Vampire Diaries and Game of Thrones… you’d have… a much better show. HAHAA I make myself laugh. More like, if you combined the waiting room at an open audition for an Herbal Essences commercial, a Renaissance Fair in Barstow and your 10th Grade home room complete with the smelly guy who sat behind you and licked Cheeto dust off his fingers while playing Dungeons and Dragons, you’d have Reign. With all the emotional depth of a Saturday morning West Hollywood Spin Class, Reign is my new favorite “hate” watch for so many reasons.
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Ambiguous Actors:
Mary
Regardless of her sometimes English accent, her Lindsay Lohan 4 pack a day voice, and her incessant over pronunciation of the word, France (Fraaaaaahhhhnce), Adelaide Kane, who plays Mary, is one of the least annoying actors on this show.
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The two guys, cause DUH: LOVE TRIANGLE. Enter Franklin & Bash, (which is another horrific show starring Zach Morris on TNT or TBS or one of those channels) I call them this because…
Francis
So Mary’s supposed to marry the true heir, Francis, who looks a bit like a younger version of a Golden Girl who’s plastic surgery went terribly wrong. BUT alas ol Franny likes another girl at court but he’s kinda starting to like Mary. Essentially, a good CW love triangle is forming, guys. Get in now.
Sebastian aka Bash
Cause DUH, that’s a nickname for Sebastian. Enter the third side of the love triangle. Bash is essentially the Jon Snow of this show, only not hot and not layered and complex and compelling as a character. He’s the King’s bastard who duh, likes Mary just the way she is even though she’s supposed to marry Francis. Besides his creepy blue eyes, the other stand out thing about Bash is that he randomly spoke to a dead body in some unspecified language while he and Francis were out riding in the woods.
The Ladies in Waiting:
What are these intrepid young social climbers, ready to make alliances for their King and country named you ask? Why GREER, KENNA, LOLA, and AYLEE (like Allie), thank you for asking! I don’t know about you but when I think about woman I want to send to another country on behalf of my foreign affairs, I think of girls named as if they were middler schoolers in the twenty first century! Take about seeing the future! Maybe the writing staff at Reign hired a Nostradamus for themselves. Oh WAIT. See below.
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Costumes/Wardrobe:
Somewhere between Period drama costumes, Prom dresses from the sale rack at Windsor and dumb girls at Coachella we arrive at the costumes of Reign.
Here we have actual portraits of Mary, Queen of Scots, wearing garb from that time period.
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Here we have Mary and the girls from Reign in actual costumes from the show about Mary, Queen of Scots.
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Oh heeeeyyy guys, don’t mind them, they just got back from the Betsy Johnson after prom sale! Totes perfect for court!
Fascinating Storylines:
- Child brides/betrothment
- Dancers dancing without music, inexplicably
- Music worthy of a telenovela
- Some mystery woman with a burlap sack over her head is running around in the walls of the castle scaring the shiiiiz out of everyone (me) and her name is Clarissa. Fingers crossed it’s Melissa Joan Hart under there when they unveil her on the mid-season finale. Bitch has a mortgage.
- Poisonous Dresses – Yup, you heard that right. That’s a thing! You could die from wearing one of these non-period specific dresses! Who will we meet next week, the royal clothes trier on-er?
Not terrible enough for you to watch yet? BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE!
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Enter Francis’s mother’s adviser NOSTRADAMUS! YES, that Nostradamus who the CW has fashioned into some sort of fortune teller, gay BFF, type character who makes predictions and schemes with the Queen. Mostly, I just think they sit around in the Queen’s chambers and eat bon bons and braid each other’s hair while gossiping about Spain or whatever, but this guy makes crazy predictions and is in cahoots with the Queen enough to get her to try and (SPOILER!) kill Mary! AH! Yea, the Queen and Nostra are super bored. But what can you expect when there are Urban Outfitter models running around your castle all day and talking about OMGtheprinceandmyheadbandistootightLOLZ4EVER!
If you’re not already hate watching Reign CW, like me, do yourself a favor and set a DVR alert for this show, so a month from now when you’re home sick with the stomach flu for a week, you’ll have something to watch. Send your thank you emails here!
