It wasn’t always this way. In college, I too felt the pressure to slut it up and…wait, what’s the end of that sentence? What’s the end of that night? Never understood the endgame there. Don’t get me wrong, I tried. It was always just…awkward. I mean, who does this at a Halloween party:
What was I supposed to be, anyway? Spandex Cowgirl? MOVING ON.
When it comes to Halloween, I look to Henri the Noir Cat for inspiration:
“None of these costumes are truly scary. No one ever dresses as crippling self-doubt.”
I decided to diagram some of my expectations for typical Halloween costume tropes. And no, we won’t be covering children’s characters “sexified” for adult female costumes, because I’ll let the rest of the Internet handle sexy costumes for the umpteenth time.
Exhibit A:
Many hipsters will go for this. Let them think it is an original idea, and/or that having an original idea on Halloween is the ultimate achievement. Obligatory hipster/Bekah call-out:
Exhibit B:
Ok, maybe these are all about hipsters. This is the intellectual snob who will only drink scotch and/or some kind of craft cocktail that I’ve probably never heard of. Also, said craft cocktail will ALWAYS be made wrong wherever they go. I bet they’ve actually never had a good one–oh no, he’s telling you about the “best” one now, at a secret underground bar in Brooklyn oh god you will never be as cool nor as miserable as this person.
Exhibit C:
Political costumes. Funny in an election year, not so funny literally any other year. We get it, you read the newspaper. More like, you watch the Daily Show and want us to think you read a physical newspaper.
Whatever you do, DO NOT talk to this person at the party. I repeat: DO NOT engage. This will be a conversation from which you can never escape.
You’ve been warned, folks. I, for one, am going as Rihonce: Beyonce and Rihanna, possibly at the same time. Almost as fun as the federal debt crisis. ALMOST.
What’s your Halloween plan this year? Best/worst costumes you’ve ever seen or been a part of? Who do you want to avoid at all costs? Give it to me straight in le comments.
