I read blogs that make me feel terrible about myself.
Don’t ask me why I do this. I know you do it, too, so you know the answer is “I have no idea. It just feels so right.” But it’s never that simple, is it? I really don’t consider myself a hateful person, I just maintain a healthy diet of sass and skepticism. I’ve hesitated to write this post because I really don’t hate these people, they just make my eyes twitch. Post-hatefest, I enter a cycle of guilt, after which I retreat for a period of recovery and empathy restoration. Here’s my approximation of the hate-read cycle:
Notice that nowhere on that cycle is “stop reading because this is entirely in your control, you whiny bitch.” Resistance is futile. The “feel badly” part of this cycle is why I will never go full-troll and participate in GOMI (Get Off My Internets). <—prepare to lose years of your life at that link.
Oh, hey! You back from GOMI? Cool. Here are the main categories of blogs I love to hate:
The Mommy Blog
Obviously. Again, let it be known that I do not actually hate you, you just confuse me. Why are your faces like that? They’re so…perfect. Part of me is convinced that you are some sort of artificial intelligence or other such propaganda tool to manipulate the hearts and minds of the masses. No? Too far? You just really like artisanal gelato and flea markets? Fair enough.
Why do I read your blog? I have no interest in children, nor am I in a relationship. No doubt, I must be jealous, but mostly of your perfect hair and skin and teeth. And yes, of your child’s wardrobe. Otherwise, why the hell do I care? I apologize for hating you. It is you, though, not me.
The Food Blog
The above photo is from my own food blog, so…self-hatred FTW! But seriously, can we stop writing food poetry? This is a vegan brownie recipe, not an epic tale of victory despite impossible obstacles. I’m writing this stream-of-consciousness style, but your writing makes me cringe with second hand embarrassment over the meticulous care and try. I am happy for you that you’ve made this hobby into your full-time job, but you certainly didn’t get to that point by pretending this was more than it is: a food blog.
The Style Blog
I’m putting a photo of myself here for fear of calling out any one style blogger in particular. Obviously the above photo is style-blog-worthy. To the style blogger, let me just say:
Girl, you’ve got an eating disorder. Your pattern mixing has gotten OUT OF CONTROL in an inhuman way. Also, I’m obsessed with you.
Fitness Blog
No! I’m sorry! I love you guys! I just…good GOD you make me hate myself. I wish I could be happy eating protein powder and greek yogurt every day, but holy shit am I not. Congratulations on your bodies. I will continue to buy your DVDs, and even your bikinis, because obviously those things will make me look like you, even if I never run again. Yay, delusion!
Honorable mention: Models on Instagram
Yea, just a typical Saturday afternoon with friends. First of all, how did I end up following so many of you? And second of all, why are SO MANY of you friends with Rihanna? She’s your pimp, isn’t she? Why am I not friends with Rihanna yet? I need to unfollow. Cannot unfollow. Repeat.
It feels good to get this off my chest, guys. I realize that perhaps Thats-Normal is a hate read for some of you, which is fine. If you have any advice on breaking out of the hate reading cycle, I’d love to hear it. As long as it’s not “just stop reading, duh” because GTFO.
Which blogs do you love to hate? Have any confessions? Come on, I know you do.
