Growing up in Philadelphia, it’s hard not to feel a connection with the 18th century. Now that I am fully immersed in the land of #JAMMF, this time period has taken on the luster of a romantic fantasy, albeit one without hair gel. Nothing is romantic about what my hair does in humidity without any product.
I have basically gathered that I would fail miserably at time travel or in any instance where I need to rough it. Even if I could get past not having modern day plumbing, surely I would die of hay fever. Mama needs her Zyrtec pills. Perhaps some friends could fair better than I. I brought together a small focus group of Bekah, Beth, Ellie, Shalan, Vicky and Barb to talk about who would survive the 18th century Outlander style.
Could you survive the 18th century?
Beth: If I was married to Ryan (my husband). He’s like a bear killing, shanty building evil genius. But my dad is just like … a preacher, so I probably would have died before I reached a marriageable age.
Ellie: My answer to this depends on how hot the guy was that I was with while I was there? Can I be a Duchess or a Lady? Are those the same things? If I were a duchess I think that I could handle it. However not a princess or a queen that’s too much drama for me. Can you tell I have been reading Highlander, Outlander and the White Queen series?
Vicky: I go back and forth between thinking I would totally kick ass and all the fellas would want to wed me to thinking I would die if I couldn’t shower everyday and no one would want to marry me because my hair not washed after a few days would be so GROSS!
Barb: Hell, yeah! Well, more likely with a few conditions. 1) Definitely would need comfortable shoes. Rubber soles perhaps? 2) If I had a husband he would have to be willing to abide by a few hygiene requirements. Namely clean teeth (use that damn willow twig), no BO and he must heavily wash down below. ie. no dickcheese (there I said it.) I’m sure I would not be any kind of “lady.” I’d be in the trenches doing the dirty work. So as long as I had a man who could take care of himself and me, then I’d manage well. ‘Cause let’s face it, it would be a helluva lot easier to be a man back then, so I’d need help. Men were rapey, and I don’t think I could fight off a Black Jack Randall or Dougal MacKenzie, or a pirate like Stephen Bonnet…or a gang of marauders who took me captive.
Shalan: I think I would do okay in the 18th century. I camp a lot so squatting to pee and cooking with little more than a bonfire and a stick wouldn’t be so shocking. On the other hand, eating random stuff including rodents would not work so well for this extremely picky eater. I’d starve.
Bekah: I’d HOPE so… b/c if I answer no then we are weaker than we ever were and that makes me sad. I think i’d have a REALLY hard time digging a hole & sleeping in it, on some comfy leaves, but if all the men were like Jamie. then… Also lice.. *shudder*
How long do you think you could last?
Beth: I think I would last about two weeks. Then I would just curl and give myself over to the wolves.
Ellie: How many servants do I have?. I would calculate 5 years for each servant at my beck and call.
Barb: I think I could go the Claire distance. As much as I adore my computer, I could easily pack it all in and live the simple life. (Hellooooo…end of the world apocalypse preparations! I’m good with that.)
Shalan: Not long. Given the lack of real doctors or vaccines and being the hypochondriac that I am, I’d probably have a nervous breakdown or hyperventilate one too many times in public and then I’ll end up institutionalized or given a lobotomy by some crazy pretend doctor.
Bekah: I’m sure I’d die from a sore throat– I almost think I’m going to every winter. Other than that I might die from eating meat since I haven’t in 13 years… no seriously, I’d eat my first piece of cow and then probably die from diarrhea.. that WOULD happen to me
What skills would you excel at?
Beth: I would be the awesomest wet nurse of all time. #BreastfedForEVER And who are the women who get to sit around, have babies and read all day? I want to sign up for that. I don’t want to be the chick emptying chamber pots.
Ellie: People would probably guess that I would be amazing at making babies – as in actually making babies not doing the fun part. Four kids should make me a pro, right? Alas, no. I would be so dead. Literally dead. I need some modern medicine in order to be, you know, not dead.
Vicky: Honestly though, I think I would be ok. I don’t mind hard work, but the cooking from scratch might suck. I do know a lot about plants though. That might help or else I’d give everyone diarrhea. I would be more like Brianna than anyone I think. I’d totally be trying to find a way to make things easier/better because I would want running water in my house and not bathe in the creek.
Barb: I can knit, and hand sew. I can can fruits and bake. (shamelessly tooting my own horn) I was a Forester so I know plant/tree ID’s. Wilderness Search & Rescue crew and managed a few wilderness survival training weekends winter & summer. If my body doesn’t give out (which it probably would at my age, so in this scenario I’d like to be in my 20s) then I think could make it as a farmer. No birthing babes for me though. The Lord almighty took that outta my hands years ago. Thankfully!
Shalan: I honestly don’t think I’d do well at any of the typical jobs. Maybe I could be a governess or something. I can barely keep the plants in my house alive, farming would be a joke. I would die having babies and knitting is super boring but probably easier than doing laundry.
Bekah: I’d probably be great at making babies. I have wide hips & my sister survived a natural childbirth no problem– I can do that right? Beyond that.. man I might suck. I’d probably be the cook, which is pretty lowly. maybe gardening? I’d also probably excel at laundry.
Could you modernize anything? Indoor plumbing, microscope?
Beth: Hair removal. Bare honey pots for all.
Ellie: Pshaw! Why do I need to modernize anything. I have like 50 servants to do my bidding. Oh wait! I would invent Birth Control.
Barb: Modernize in terms of practical usage? Probably not at all. Maybe more on the hygiene side of things. Toothbrushes, soap with oils etc…I’m sort of mechanical but need something modern to start that off. So, from scratch? Without plastics and metal things? No.
Shalan: I would definitely try to fashion a diva cup stat. The whole idea of using, washing and reusing a rag doesn’t sit so well with me.
Bekah: I think I’d sew underwear– not underPANTS but actual panties… why not? And a BRA.. how hard is that?
What songs would you introduce to the time?
Beth: The happy birthday song. Set those royalties up FO LYFE.
Ellie: I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie.
Barb: Everyone would …“Hold On For One More Day.” And then I’d make sure my husband had “More Than Words” to show he feels that his love for me was real.
Bekah: Hmmm… Hold on by by Wilson Philips. I have no reason why [Editors note: they both randomly answered this. AMAZING. Put us all in the 18th century together & we got this covered]
Would you invent twerking (or some other crazy 21th century fad)?
Beth: I’ve no doubt someone along the way took care of that and the Victorians just burned all evidence of it.
Ellie: No. I would invent a mandatory napping schedule at 10, noon and 2.
Barb: The whole “don’t change the past” thing be damned. I’d tell stories…fiction around the campfires. Claim all the good ones as my own. Make my own FanFiction inthe past of stories that were supposed to be. Jane Austen, Mr. Darcy is mine. Steph…so is Edward Cullen. And sorry, Diana…James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser and everything under his kilt would be MINE. Not sorry.
Shalan: What the what??
Bekah: No I’d somehow fix it so that Billy Ray Cyrus was sterile. Wow that was mean
How would you prepare to go back in time?
Beth: If I were traveling back in time and I knew I would need some skillz first, i think I would go with: how to get back to the future with my hot Scottish lover. Also, herbal breath management.
Barb: I think I’d brush up on some baking/cooking skills. Learn the basics of making bread, cheese, butter. Etc. I’d track down every single infectious disease specialist and get vaccines for everything that existed and possibly died down in the past. Bubonic Plague…you can frack off. Maybe research how to make penicillin or at least some basic first aid training. Like the chick in the “Doomsday Book” I might cauterize my nose so I couldn’t smell anything. It’s going to be NASTY.
Shalan: For sure I’d take self defense lessons including sword fighting! I’d also get my tubes tied before I go. This momma wouldn’t survive their childbirths.
Bekah: DEFINITELY take self defense and I’d probably pack some mace. Getting vaccinated is a great idea I’d also pack a few bottles of penicillin – maybe even some vitamins and I’d get laser eye surgery I guess b/c I’d be blind otherwise and no one would ever want me.
So what do you think? Could YOU Survive the 18th century? How would you answer the questions?
