Alice Cullen, Please Be My Stylist

Alice, I’d like to tell you a story about Expectations vs. Reality. The day my sister got married was a beautiful October one, complete with a lovely ceremony and reception attended by numerous loved ones happy to be a part of this special occasion. It was a delightful wedding indeed. Later that night, no doubt awash in the glow of brand new marital bliss, my sister and her new husband were enjoying some time together in the hot tub at their hotel. Unfortunately, the hair extensions she had put in for her stylish wedding do were made of yak hair. Which apparently, when wet, stinks an unbelievable amount. And so it was that my sister came to spend her wedding night smelling like a moist, musty animal. The fantasy of a fairy tale romantic evening rudely intruded upon by real life.

When it comes to fashion, I aspire to be “Elegant Up Do” but nine times out of ten I fail and end up being “Wet Yak Hair.”

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I need someone with supernatural abilities such as yourself to help me, that’s how bad I am. I know this is an area of expertise of yours, and I won’t put up as much of a fuss as Bella, I promise. I don’t wear long khaki skirts, so I’m already starting off in a better place than she did… I don’t know what my problem is, I’m not one of those people who doesn’t understand anything about clothes, color, and what looks good together. I know all of that; I even took four years of fashion and sewing classes in high school! And when I’m looking through ads, or see people walking down the street, I can put all of these amazing outfits together in my head. But when I go out shopping to

actually buy said clothing items to add to my wardrobe so I can wear the outfits I create in my mind in real life, things just break down. In a horrible way. And then I’m stuck wearing the same sad looking stuff all the time. I’m not Helena Bonham Carter, I can’t pull that off.

Admittedly, I hate shopping. (For clothes. I can spend money in Barnes and Noble at an alarming rate.) My shopping trips pretty much play out as follows: I walk around for about seven minutes, get overwhelmed by all the options, get impatient about having to try things on, get too frustrated and down on myself to keep shopping, leave the store, get a snack. The only time I ever walk out of the store with anything is when someone is with me and forces me into the dressing room and talks me into buying something. Sometimes not even then. And then I get upset all the time that I have nothing to wear. So why do I do this to myself Alice? Why?!

My decision to finally send out a cry for help really came about when I got invited to a Sangria Party that takes place in a few weeks. (I didn’t know that a Sangria Party was a thing, but I’m very glad that it is.) Am I really going to show up to a party wearing the same old crap I wear everyday? It’s summer, and I’m a young, interesting woman damn it! I should show up looking fabulous, and so I need you to help me finally break this cycle, my pixie vampire friend. You stocked Bella’s closet and picked out an amazing wedding dress for her. Although, you did leave the sleeveless white button up that Edward wore to the meadow in his closet, which is unacceptable. But other than that small little speed bump, your track record is amazing. I bet you could help a shopper even as reluctant as me. If it helps, I think I’ve narrowed down my main problems:

SHOES

I have really narrow, really skinny feet, so I have the most difficult time finding shoes. On the occasions that I do actually put together a nice outfit in the dressing room, I always look at it and go, “But what shoes am I going to wear with it? I don’t have anything.” So I should just go out and get a pair of shoes, right? But it’s such a huge ordeal that the thought of doing it makes me put the whole outfit back. It sucks (Ha, get it?! Because you’re a vampire!). In all of my shoes I have tons of jellies, squishies, and other inserts just so they’ll stay on my feet normally. Going to a shoe store and trying on dozens of pairs of shoes and have NONE of them fit is really disheartening. So my shoe count is woefully low. Bella’s wedding shoes were a little intense though. Maybe something a little more casual for me. I’m human, so I do have to keep comfort in mind.

I’M TINY

And you are, too! Which is why you’re the perfect person to help me! You’ve had decades to perfect dressing for a tiny body. Everything is usually too long, and I don’t have boobs or much of a butt to fill things out. So everything swims on me and I look like a kid playing dress up in her mother’s clothes. And frankly, putting forth the effort to get every single piece of clothing I buy altered is a lot of work, and it’s expensive. I’m also told that if go to higher end places I’ll find clothes that have a better fit. But my adoptive vampire father isn’t a well respected doctor, and I don’t have future seeing abilities to predict the way the stock market is gonna go, so I don’t have unlimited funds. Am I asking for too many things at once? Do I just have to realize that fashion is hard and suck it up and deal? It seems so effortless for so many other people, but maybe it’s not and I’m just a huge complainer. Bottom line Alice, I could really use your assistance. Unless you can see that my future entails me getting it together on my own and having a super fashionable life…

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Okay, you know what, I don’t appreciate that. I’m trying!! I told you I was bad. If you want to put in a majority of the leg work, I won’t give you any problems. You’re the only person (or do you prefer “undead fantastical being”?) that I trust implicitly on this issue. Just help me shop and give me something to wear. Because I NEED NEW STUFF. If you start running now, you can probably make it to the East coast by morning. I’ll be waiting, probably in yoga pants and a novelty t-shirt.

Am I the only one with this “terrible with the follow through” fashion complex? In the extremely unlikely circumstance that Alice doesn’t show up to take me shopping, what are your best tips? Most importantly, who wants to come to the Sangria Party with me?

Source- Feature Image    Source- Khaki Skirt pic    Source- Shoes pic