Dear Henry Cavill,
You don’t know me from Eve. And although I may sometimes tell random strangers that we were in the same room together (Hall H at comic con totally counts, even if there were 6,000 other people in the room), we never actually met. However, I think it’s important for you to stop. IMMEDIATELY. PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy, stop ruining me for all other men.
I’ve always had a bit of a crush. You were the King’s wild and fun companion on The Tudors, who later turned into a faithful husband. That’s the silly dream that most women carry around. Who doesn’t want to be the one for whom the sexy bad boy reforms. Come on, we know that’s rarely realistic. The bad boy reforms for 2.3 seconds and while the lady is off with her friends/taking care of your many children (I mean, she’s definitely tapping that)/nursing sick parents, the guy is off schupting the maid. Henry, you make it look all too convincing. GUH.
King-Schming. I’ll take the hottie to the left.
And if I wasn’t crushing hard enough, there were all these stories about you struggling to jump start your Hollywood career. Even Empire Magazine supposedly called you, “”the most unlucky man in Hollywood.” You came SO close to being cast in major roles back in the mid-00s and perhaps if the right producing team came together earlier for Twilight, it’s possible that you just may have been Edward Cullen. It’s rumored that you were ALMOST James Bond. You were almost the mid-00s version of Superman. Dang, doesn’t that just make your current rise to fame even sweeter? And there you go, appearing to be nothing but humble about the entire thing. THIS IS NOT FAIR TO MY OVARIES.
Then you show up to San Diego Comic Con two years ago as you were filming Superman and I was actually dazzled. My heart raced, I felt a wee bit faint, and could not think coherent thoughts. Dazzled or mini-stroke, I have NEVER felt so out of sorts by someone’s presence. Did you put Kellan Lutz up to the task of acting super douchy during the Immortals panel so you would come off even more genius? Because damn, that’s genius (see, this is me giving Kellan the benefit of the doubt).
Late Night Texts about Henry – Totally Normal
Henry, in recent months, the amount of press surrounding The Man of Steel and your role as Superman has gotten out of control. These magazine photo shoots will bring me to an early grave. I can’t sleep. I text Nikki late at night with pictures I find while on the latest Henry-Cavill-Tumblr-Dive. We go on to each other about how perfect you are and how it’s not fair that you exist.
Nikki and I also discussed that you dating Actress/Mixed Martial Arts fighter Gina Carano makes its better and worse for the crush. Sure, we’d prefer you to be single, but then you had to go date someone who actually is somewhat normal sized (if normal sized includes muscle on muscle) but the point is that she’s not a stick. She’s doesn’t blow over with a strong gust of wind. That makes us everyday girls love you and hate her (girl logic states that if you could date her and she’s not a super model, us average girls came closer to having a chance). See? Henry, you make me think in crazy girl logic. You keep up with this being charming, handsome, sexy, humble, date normal-ish girl thing, and my head just may spin. I am BARELY surviving this latest go around of photos hitting the web.
Bearded Clark Kent? YES, PLEASE.
So please, Henry Cavill, stop being so damn likeable. Go hang out with a Kardashian or something. Maybe try punching a photographer. Better yet, date Lindsay Lohan. I do not think I can take many more sleepless nights.
Yours always and ruined for all other men,
Jamie
