As you may or may not have seen, Channing Tatum covers the new issue of Vanity Fair, and there’s a behind-the-scenes video of the photo shoot. At least, that’s what I was promised. Here’s the transcript of my inner monologue while watching said video:
:03 Hm. Must be an ad before the video.
:13 This cheesy music reminds me of that Will Ferrell-speaks-Spanish movie, Casa de mi Padre. I bet this ad is going to be like, Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson shilling Doritos for their new movie.
:18 Wow though, that is some beautiful scenery. I want to go to there.
:30 Wait, wha? What is this I’m watching? I didn’t accidentally live-stream TCM, did I?
:38 Is that his silhouette? That was some impressive timing with the music. IS HE GOING TO DANCE?!
:41 Ok, at least that clarifies things. He will appear, at some point, and this is not an ad before the video, it is the video. Still unclear: what this is that I am watching.
:43 BABY DONKEY BABY DONKEY.
:50 I see what you did there, placing the cinematographer’s credits over the really impressive and artsy shot. Nicely done.
:57 Holy sh*tballs there he is, spoon-feeding a tiny puppy. You can’t just DO that, Vanity Fair. Give us a little warning, please. Don’t Channing all over my Tatum like CSI cutting right to the corpse shot at day 4 decomp.
1:03 Pretty sure he just chomped that puppy.
1:10 Not that I ever thought about it before, but he just can’t pull off “cowboy.” That walk is all wrong. This is like Step it Up: 2 The Ranch.
1:25 Forget what I said 15 seconds ago.
1:41 This is just very surreal. I feel like I’m drugged, or like something horrible is about to happen in the next frame. Maybe Channing will happen upon a body hung up in the tree, or I’ll wake up from this fever dream in a Thai prison. You know, both reasonable options/thoughts.
1:47 So many conflicting emotions. This is so cute, and yet…that creepy music tells me something is wrong. Terribly wrong.
1:54 PIGGEH
1:59 PIGGEH AGAIN
2:02 An empty swing? Swinging? Another terribly ominous sign…have we confirmed Channing survived this photo shoot?
2:10 If something happens to those puppies, I swear to God…
2:13 Baby donkey and dog are friends!!
2:18 Ok, that’s just gratuitous.
2:24 This is a little cruel…I mean, in the interview right next to this photo shoot he talks about being a slow reader.
2:29 Is that a phone ringing? Is someone calling me, from beyond, inside this video? Again, did someone slip me something in my drink?
It’s over?! I’m still not sure what I just watched, but it was definitely not a Doritos commercial. Or was it…
What were your thoughts on the Vanity Fair video? Have anything else we need to break down?
All screenshots are from the Bruce Weber video here.
