So I spent last week on the most beautiful beach ever with my family. Lots of fun, sun, sand, and … plenty of awkward. Why people do some of the things they do on the beach I will never understand. I feel the need for a PSA:

Ten Awkward Things Not to Do at the Beach.

 

1. Don’t Straddle Anything.

Not your chair or your cooler or the person you’re burying in the sand. Everyone is scantily clad, and straddling just opens up a whole lot of stuff we don’t need to see. Sit side saddle like a lady. Even if you aren’t one.

 

 

2. Don’t engage in PDA, even in the water.

I don’t care that you think you are far enough out in the ocean for privacy. If your faces are mashed together, everyone on shore thinks your other bits are mashed together too. Don’t embarrass us. We may see you later in the elevator.

 

 

3. Don’t stare.

This is a big one. Old, young. Fat, thin. Attractive or interesting-looking. It doesn’t matter. You are a weirdo and a jerk if you stare. Invest in some mirror shades and a copy of US Weekly if you can’t control yourself. Otherwise: avert your eyes, perv.

 

 

 

 

4. Don’t fall asleep.

This is for the sleep-humpers out there. You know if you suffer from this affliction. Falling asleep in the sand may seem like a great way to relax and be smug that you don’t have kids to lifeguard like the rest of us, but the not so subtle hip movements on your beach towel are weirding everyone out.

 

 

 

5. Don’t wear easily wind-swept bottoms.

If those puppies won’t stay tied together in a brisk wind, then why are you wearing them on a red flag day? Because.

 

 

6. Don’t Hug.

Never hug. I don’t care if you were just reunited with your long lost twin after a lifetime apart. You’re both practically naked. No hugging.

 

 

 

7. Don’t Get Creative with the Cover Up.

When I was in the 7th grade, I refused to go out in a bathing suit without a big band-aid over the birthmark on my upper thigh. Until my cousin ripped it off and said, “It’s MUCH grosser for everyone to imagine the oozing, gangrenous sore you don’t have under there than to just see your half-inch diameter mole. Quit it.” Sage advice.

EVERYONE knows you’re trying super hard to be nonchalant and cool with that wonkily-tied sarong, that do-rag, those closed toed boat shoes, and that half shirt. But we all have something equivalent to your stretch marks, thinning hair, toe fungus and upper back hair that WE’RE obsessing over people seeing. You’re only calling more attention to yourself and your totally #normal deformities. Let your freak flag fly. Plus the moment a brisk breeze blows your wig off, every pair of sunnies on the beach is checking out what you’re so self-conscious about.

 

 

 

8. Don’t Approach.

I’m in a sun hat, under an umbrella and reading an 800-page novel. I could not look less open to conversation. I don’t want to talk about how long your drive was to get here. Our kids can play together by the water and we don’t have to speak. You can appreciate my white legs and keep on walking by without saying a word about best tanning practices. Thanks.

 

 

 

9. Don’t Stand in Front of Someone Who Is Sitting Down and Talk Forever.

Eventually they HAVE to look away from your face and your naked parts are at eye level.

 

 

 

 

10. Don’t Go Skimming.

Ever. Because you look like this.

Stay cool, everyone.