Hemlock Grove is one of those Netflix original shows we talked about. When I saw this first trailer, I was pumped:
Sexy music, sexy people, creatures within–where do I sign up? I STILL really want to watch the show depicted in that trailer. Problem is, that’s not really Hemlock Grove.
Don’t worry–no spoilers here: I’m not sure I could spoil things for you if I tried. Hemlock Grove is not so much confusing as it is purposefully vague. It’s also disturbing, slow, and boring. So, so boring. There’s a twisted murderer/monster on the loose, but everyone seems more intent on honing their tortured expressions in hallway mirrors. (Sidebar: There should be a term for these kinds of brooding looks–a “smizing” equivalent for supernatural teen dramas. Like…frowning with your eyes. Frining? That’s appropriately terrible.) Not even Skarsgard the Younger (Bill, Alexander Skarsgard’s younger brother) can make up for the glacial plot development.
Then there’s the gore factor. I am not a horror fan. I can’t handle gory things. My preferred maximum is somewhere around Supernatural levels of blood, though sometimes I can make it through parts of Game of Thrones peeking between my fingers. So I might be a wuss, but Hemlock Grove is the goriest show I’ve ever seen. That’s not to suggest every episode is blood-soaked, but this is the kind of gore that can hit you without much warning, especially in handy flashback reminders like “REMEMBER THAT MUTILATED BODY FROM LAST EPISODE HERE IT IS AGAIN JUST IN CASE.”
A werewolf transformation clip was released shortly after the first trailer, and it’s…disgusting. So disgusting that embedding is disabled. In retrospect, releasing this clip was a very smart strategy: you should be able to stomach this transformation if you have any hope of watching the whole season. Warning: this video is NSFW and in my opinion, NSFE (not safe for eyeballs). Here it is.
Aaaaand here’s a clip of my reaction:
On the off chance you actually LIKED that clip and are still interested in embarking on the day-long journey through crazytown that is binge-watching Hemlock Grove, I’ve organized a handy guide to determine if this is a good idea.
You should watch Hemlock Grove if you:
- enjoy being bored and horrified, simultaneously.
- like never really knowing what’s going on.
- are really into entrails. In fact, you think most situations could use more entrails.
- eat babies.
- never had a really bad trip, but have always longed for the experience.
- wish Cruel Intentions had more nudity, incest, awkward dialogue, blood, and werewolves.
- wish fewer questions were answered by TV dramas/mysteries in general.
- like all of the gratuitous sex scenes in Game of Thrones, but wish they included more self-mutilation.
- found The Killing too fast-paced and rewarding for your liking.
You should not watch Hemlock Grove if you:
- like sleeping.
- like thinking the world is generally a nice place.
- romanticize werewolves.
- prefer to see a person’s skin on their body.
- like understanding things.
- appreciate plot development.
- are jonesing for a supernatural love story.
- think faces are for wearing, on the front of heads.
- do drugs of any kind. But seriously–I think you would lose your mind permanently if you watched this show under the influence, so…be careful with that, you free spirits.
Have you watched Hemlock Grove? If so, let me know what you think! Am I alone in my disappointment?
*Not a job at all.
