There are two types of people in the world: Those that think there are enough Shakespeare adaptations on film to last for eternity and those that believe there will never be enough. I’m going to let you guess which one of those I am. I think I’ve seen Romeo and Juliet on film more than I’ve ever seen any other story. Mainly because I was a hormonal romantic teenager.

Boobs and Butts

The first Romeo and Juliet I ever saw was the 1968 Zeffirelli version, and I immediately and completely fell in love with it. It was in my 7th grade literature class with Mr. LaGrange, and we watched an edited version that I didn’t know was edited. I went out and bought a VHS copy of it only to take it home and be completely SEVENTH GRADER SHOCKED because BOOBS and BUTT and SEX and omg what are these tingles I am feeling?!!?!??!

If you haven’t seen it: Leonard Whiting is basically 60s Zac Efron, and he.is.naked. Olivia Hussey is basically flawlessness in female form, and her boobs are worth seeing, even if she was too young at the time to be showing them (it was a scandal, y’all).

It remains one the most romantic (and hottest) films ever. And after the boobs, I made Olivia HUSSeY jokes all through Jr. High. I was super funny.

I will confess here as well that had I been a teenager in 1968, I would have snuck out to see this film and then SHIPPED THE HECK out of Olivia and Leonard. I mean LOOK AT THEM. They are adorable (and obviously really in for real love in for real life).

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Guns and Drugs

Then there was 10th grade when my ultimate crush, Leo, made Romeo + Juliet with the ultimate girl of my generation, Angela Chase Clare Danes. As much as I wanted to love it (if you could read my 1996 movie review in my school newspaper, I DID love it), it made me weep. In the bad way. The fast cuts, the racist thugs, the longsword that’s a rifle, the drug use, MERCUTIO IN DRAG. My soul cried. It wasn’t hot enough. It wasn’t powerful enough. The best parts were the words, and those weren’t new.

This did not nearly meet my Zeffirelli standards, despite Leo’s long torso:

All the awards to Paul Rudd though.

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Face and Wig

But we aren’t here to talk about my formative years. The trailer for the new Romeo and Juliet was leaked yesterday, and I have determined that it stars Ed Westwick’s Wig and Douglas Booth’s face. WATCH.

First of all: screenplay by Satan himself, Julian Fellowes. Oh yes. That’s the the same Fellowes of Downton Abbey fame, author of The Young Victoria and Gosford Park and Vanity Fair and my latest crying jag. If anyone knows heart-rending period drama, it’s Mr. Fellowes. He’s also quite adept at absolutely squeezing every last molecule of emotion out of a scene. He’s bruised our hearts before, and he’ll do it again. So let’s just prepare our handkerchiefs now, okay? I’ll embroider some That’s Normal ones.

Hailee Steinfeld looks so young and innocent and fresh in that first shot of her. See?

She’s the perfect and correct age for Juliet (she’s just now 16, so this was filmed when she was 15ish), and it shows. Plus she’s an amazing ACADEMY AWARD NOMINATED actress. The shots that show her emotional range in the trailer look flawless.

Obviously, the other star of the movie is Douglas Booth‘s face. I don’t know much about his acting skills. I didn’t see that Miley movie, and the only parts I’ve seen of Great Expectations are the gifs on tumblr. He’s a Burberry model turned actor, so this face could be all he ever gives us. I’m not complaining; he might be the prettiest Romeo of all time.

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Damian Lewis is Capulet, which is a great step up from Paul Sorvino’s lush, lusty Julius Caesar character in R+J. If you’ve seen The Forsyte Saga, you KNOW Lewis will COMMAND some, “Hang thee, young baggage! I tell thee what: get [yo ass] to church o’ Thursday, or never after look me in the face.” He will KILL it.

The other star of the trailer looks like Tybalt, good ol’ Chuck Bass himself, Mr. Ed Westwick, or at the very least, his horrific wig. He’s looking like a cross between Snape and the dude from The Crow.

That wig must have been made by someone from Summit. Put it together with Damian’s bowl cut and I may not be able to stifle my guffaws. GUFFAWS, I say.

I’m thinking they cut this trailer to show Ed as much as possible, because as any good Shakespearean scholar will tell you: the stars of this play are Mercutio and the Nurse, who we see none of and that’s a shame. The whole thing could hinge on those performances, and I don’t even know the actors playing them.

I don’t love the last line they used (“and he will make the face of heaven so fine”); it lacks the dramatic impetus of the rest of the trailer. I would have used, “Wisely and slow; they stumble that run fast,” or “Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs.” I don’t know. Make me FEEL it, trailer editor guy!

My official prediction is that it will be as good as Zeffirelli’s film, but not as hot. And it will surpass R+J in all things, as most movies do. All I really need to know is: Who’s singing When Doves Cry?

 

So, what do you think of this trailer? Ready for the HD version already or what? Want to see A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES (me too)!!!