(Spoiler-y if you haven’t seen Season 1 or 2)
It should come as a shock to absolutely NO ONE that I am a HUUUGE Game of Thrones fan. We’re talking, watch the show (multiple times), read the books, scour the interwebs for fan art, spend hours thinking of conspiracies and plot twists and endings, sneak into the closed Comic Con panel, fantasize about meeting George RR Martin in a book shop, throwing a Game of Thrones Season 3 premiere party kind of fan. It’s that serious.
Since the love I have for Westeros and the Free Cities is weirdly and shamelessly large I thought we should take a look back at what happened in Season Two of Game of Thrones and look forward to what I WANT to (but totally won’t) happen in Season Three.
What Happened Last Season
– Westeros should have been renamed WAR-steros * gong * because EVERYONE was at war. The Starks hated the Lannisters and then the Greyjoy’s for being backstabbing a-holes, the Baratheon’s hated each other mostly, the Stark’s for getting in the way and the Lannister’s for trying to steal the throne. The Greyjoy’s tried to make Balon’s Rebellion Part 2 happen (Everyone: stop trying to make Balon’s Rebellion happen people!). And the Lannister’s just hated everyone for not being Lannisters.
– Turns out Robb is pretty good at that whole war thing
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– Turns out Tyrion is pretty good at the whole politics thing. He also kept the title as my favorite Lannister because he slapped Joffrey multiple times and called him “pinched face” and stupid. Tyrion for President! Or King, or whatever.
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– Khalessi spent half the season wandering around the desert with her teeny tiny rat sized dragons
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– That hot piece of horse meat, Khal Drogo, was still dead and we are still sad. Like REAL sad, my sun and stars.
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– I want to be Arya when I grow up
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– Joffrey is still an insufferable see you next Tuesday aka a teen boy who should not be charge of a McDonald’s part time, much less an entire kingdom. We do not want fries with ANYTHING he is serving.
– Jaqen H’ghar made me rethink my hard limit on men with long streaky bleached hair. Am I right, ladies?
SIDE NOTE: Ladies, do yourself a favor and Google Jaqen H’ghar cause I found out dude has been hiding this:
(I wouldn’t kick him outta bed for eating crackers is all I’m sayin’ ANYWAY.)
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– I still miss Syrio. Repeat it with me: “Fear cuts deeper than swords…”
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– Jon Snow knows nothin’.
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– Bran had a dirty Junior High boy ‘stache and it creeped me out.
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– The Hound was sorta not terrible. And by sorta we mean he told Joffrey to ef off and didn’t get rapey with any one and even offered to help dumb Sansa escape. Of course dumb Sansa refused.
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– Jon Snow is a sad emo bastard who is not witty enough for the amazing mean girl Ygritte but we still ship it hard. SO. HARD.
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– Robb made a really shitty decision that everyone will have to pay for
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– Catelyn also made a really shitty decision that everyone will have to pay for
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– Dani is a badass bitch who will take what is hers.
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What I want to happen in Game of Thrones Season 3
– For everyone not to die.
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– Jon Snow to still know nothin’.
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– I want Khal Drogo to come back from the dead and rip Mirri Maz Duur’s tongue out, throw her to his blood riders and give her a golden crown like Viserys got, for being the worst hag Dothraki mage ever. UGH.
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– I hope Joffrey shoots himself in his royal peen with that blasted crossbow.
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– I kinda want Sir Jorah to make a move on Dani and see him get put in his place. Or for them to make out. I still can’t decide with those two.
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– LORD’S KISS!!! LORD’S KISS!! LORD’S KISS!!!! (If you’ve read the 3rd book you KNOW what I’m talking about, if you haven’t we will probably be talking about it A LOT here)
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– Somewhere along the way Brienne needs to bitch slap Jamie SO hard he gets so turned on, so he’s like Cersei who? And then it’s ON! You know big, bad Brienne could show him a thing or 10.
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– I want Stannis Baratheon to fall in a hole somewhere and take Melesandre and her Manic Panic dyed red hair with him. Those two are THE WORST.
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– I will still want to be Arya when I grow up. I will now wonder if Westeros has child therapists who specialize in PTSD and if we can get Arya and the Stark children into the first open appointment.
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– In exchange for freeing her ass I hope Gilly take’s Sam’s vcard they make a snow sex angel while the White Walkers cheer them on.
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– I want Margery/Natalie Dormer’s face to stop having that “the one who smelt it, dealt it” look to it.
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– Hopefully all this No H8, Marriage Equality stuff going on in the Senate and Facebook will encourage Loras/The Knight of Flowers to come out… too bad that shadow thing from Melesandre’s va-jay got all murder-y with Renly before they could legally get married under the eyes of the old Gods AND the new.
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What I know will happen
Everyone will die!
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YAY!!! Happy Game of Thrones Season 3 watching this SUNDAY on HBO!!! We’ll be watching! Follow us on Twitter for the flails, the swoons and the back stabbing.
Will you be watching? Who’s your fave character?
