**SPOILERS. DUH.**
If you weren’t one of the 10.4 million folks to watch The Bachelor finale last night, no need to worry, I’ve got you covered. Not everyone has three hours to devote to Bachelor Sean Lowe and his quest for love and countless more hours devouring Twitter, Instagram, and You Tube for any more information I can gather. In my defense I’m recovering from back surgery! I’m living vicariously through Sean’s romantic non-sexcapades.
What do I need to know about The Bachelor?
The Bachelor is trying to move away from it’s slightly skanky image by casting a VIRGIN. Yes you read that right folks. But it’s a bit of half-truth on ABC’s part, Sean Lowe is a “born again virgin.” If you didn’t go to youth camp or high school Bible study, being a born again virgin means that you swiped your V-card and then somewhere down the line decided to change your tune and “re-virginize” yourself by promising not to have sex until you’re married. Youth pastors out there, I suspect you might be busy with your teens and early 20’s asking for help praying for their re-virginization. Sean Lowe has made cool to put on those chastity belts! Way to go Sean! With all of those Teen Mom shows and pregnancy pacts, we need more guys like you making virginity cool again.
(Born again virgin, Sean Lowe)
You would think having a virgin bachelor would cut down on the steamy make-out scenes this season. You would be oh so wrong. I’m pretty sure I counted him making out with eight different girls in one night. Now I’m not getting on my moral high horse here, I am not a judger, and by no means am I even in a place to judge. But all I could think about was one thing…GERMS! How did everyone not have mono by the end of filming this season? If I went on The Bachelor, do you think I could ask the bach to use some Listerine (with alcohol of course, I say again, GERMS) before he tried to slip me the tongue or is that too much? Can I put that in my contract?
You might also think that a born again virgin might have a little modesty, you know not wanting the ladies to stumble in their purity vows. Oh no, Sean wants the ladies to stumble. He is shirtless for approximately 50% of the show, even in the freezing cold ice and snow of Canada, shirtless, and no it’s not a hot tub scene, it’s an ice scene. In interviews Sean blames his frequent striptease on the producers pushing for more skin. Sean, listen to me, you have a choice, NO MEANS NO! At least until 5 minutes later in the same interview when he takes his shirt off yet again. Thank you Sean.
Basically no one even saw the girl that won Sean’s heart and the most roses until the hometown dates. Everyone thought Catherine was the straggler of the group, the hanger on. Sean almost sent her home after the hometown dates, in front of her face! Producing genius or a guy switching up who he wants to marry every week? Hard to say.
Now to arguably the best part of The Bachelor, the girl you love to hate. I am extremely anti-girl hate, bashing other women, not okay with it, hence my Kind Campaign shout out on my bio. But there is a girl every season who loves to bring the drama, and we, the audience, in turn LOVE to hate her. But I ask now, shouldn’t we just love her? What would The Bachelor be without the girl drama?! And who can blame these girls? From what I’ve seen they lock 26 girls up in a house with no TV or internet, only cheese and crackers for food, and LOTS of alcohol. I’d go bat shit crazy too. The lady who most brought the drama this season was Tierra. Her name should be a clue as to what ensued.
These are the things you need to know about Tierra:
– Tierra has “a sparkle”, her daddy told her so after she won the Little Miss Nevada pageant. And ain’t nobody gonna steal that sparkle.
– Tierra does NOT have control of her eyebrow! She is not giving you a dirty look, she is having some sort of a facial spasm.
– That evil laugh you see after she declares, she’s going beat some bitches or how she has everyone fooled, clearly she was possessed by the producing evil spirits.
– Tierra is very injury prone…or is she? Girl falls down the stairs and then magically heals when Sean arrives. She gets hypothermia but somehow can quell those shaking hands and feet to put makeup and heals on for a date with Sean later that night. My greater concern is that these are the first symptoms of Munchhausen’s. Can any doctors out there verify this theory?
– Tierra has the best melt downs of any lady in Bachelor history. Until I am on the show of course, because if they give no food or internet for two months shit’s gonna get cray.
I leave you with the best news of all…
Sean and Catherine are still engaged despite her having to watch him make out with roughly 15 women (give or take, depending on editing) over the past three months and see that he also told a number of women, “I’m crazy about you,” and “I can see a future with you.” How many wives you planning on having Seany-boy, is a Mormon compound in Utah also in this future you’re seeing? Apparently not, and love has conquered all and the two are getting married…on NATIONAL TV! My heart is so happy! Hours more of Sean’s quest for love. I hope you and Catherine beat The Bachelor curse and have lots of gorgeous babies who go on to also find love on national television.
Hug & Kisses & Bachelor Roses,
Paige
Source: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, Instagram
Written by Paige
Paige’s Current Obsessions: Diet coke, Taylor Swift, Vampire Diaries (Damon and Elena), yoga pants, Jeniffer Garner and Ben Affleck, the Kind Campaign, girl crushes (I like boys.), Possessionista, One Piece (my onesie of choice), Kenya, The Voice, Bachelor break-downs, crying to the Les Miz soundtrack, Lil Bub and Scientology conspiracy theories.
