Let it also not go unsaid that Chin Balls can sing. Correction, he can SING. If this is your first time hearing the good news, trust and believe. When Seth MacFarlane croons, even Ron Burgundy says “Daaayum.” Not to mention that his Siantra-Buble-type tone is the ideal fit for OSCARs musical sensibilities. Bill Conti may have built his voice from scratch in a lab at UCLA, I’m just speculating.
Speculating…if I was a less subtle man I’d say that’s a segue into predictions. Party time, loved ones.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
I may just talk about Christoph Waltz and not even mention the other nominees, because that’s exactly how it’s gonna go on Sunday night.
Herr Waltz genuinely fascinates me. The man is on the verge of his second OSCAR in 5 years, has worked next to today’s biggest movie stars, has every director/producer/casting hump red hot desperate for him, and I still think it’ll be another 10 years and truckloads more awards before we’re all collectively like, “Woah, this guy is the schnozzberries.” P.S. Hoffman is his only stiff competition on merit. The lazy voters will go for T.L. Jones, the really lazy ones will do DeNiro, and Adam Arkin (Alan Arkin’s son) will vote for his dad.
Pause to note all the three-name dudes in this category. It’s like the Home Improvement opening credits. Also, Adam Arkin was CRAZY hot as Helen Hunt’s husband in The Sessions. For truths. Change-up-yo-weave hot.
BEST DIRECTOR
Are you bored yet? Oh my god I’m so boooorreeed. It’s Spielberg. Done. Moving on. He’ll get the win because his film racked up the nominations, and because it’s about Ole Abe, and because he has alien magic in his toenails. He’ll get the win, which should go to Ang Lee for Life of Pi, for an array of reasons that do not include him doing the best directing job of the year. David O. Russell will pull some votes and focus, but this category will be the perfect time to whisk a fresh batch of Crystal Light and check your voicemail. Trust me. You’re not gonna miss a thing.
BEST COSTUME DESIGN
This the part where they show the design illustration montage. I love this part, and I’m particularly smitten by this category this year. Anna Karenina, Les Mis, Lincoln, Mirror Mirror, and Snow White and the Huntsman. Now that’s a horse race. Every single nominee truly embodies the art of costume design for film, and nailed it on all counts: color, texture, character, screen impact. It helped that each film is embedded with soul-deep art direction that in all cases outshone the writing and directing. My bet is on Snow White and the Huntsman, not only because KStew is in it and I believe in knowing my audience, but because I think it’s the most excellent costuming across the board. And if you think I didn’t Red Bull together my very own version of Charlize’s black triangle Cape of Death and Amaze out of old credit cards and dragon tears the instant that first trailer dropped, you are the weakest link. Goodbye.
RED CARPET
Lest we forget the true meaning of OSCARS…dresses! Who are you looking out for? I die for My Jessica (Chastain), Marion Cotillard, Rooney Mara, Cate Blanchett, and Kerry Washington. Jennifer Lawrence is going to wear something that makes her boobs look like weird candy dishes, so just prepare yourselves now. Come on. It just feels true. Also, I’d put serious money on Viola Davis working it out. She’s got some residual stress over her loss last year, and she is gonna leave it all on the carpet.
Those are my picks. What are yours? Don’t be shy. Let’s comment it up!
