When I was a child, I believed that kids who went to performing arts high schools got pre-OSCAR week off to “properly prepare and reflect.” What can I say, I watched a lot of Fame. Though classes were never canceled, this week has always been a holiday in the Nation of Phil, so welcome to paradise, loved ones. T-minus 5 days and counting. It’s Go time. Here is the first part of my Oscar predictions 2013:
Before we go bobbing for snark, I want to get all emoticons in your bizness by sharing the true reason why I’m so endeared to the OSCARS . While it’s undeniably a self-serving ass-kissing aren’t-we-so-fabulous-talented-and-rich movie star crap factory, it still has the power to freshly anoint the most promising new stars (Walter The Muppet) and reward the most gifted and long suffering actors around (Octavia Spencer, Melissa Leo). I will never forget the night that Kim Basinger won Best Supporting Actress (L.A. Confidential) and Helen Hunt won Best Actress (As Good As It Gets). Those were their 21st and 20th films, respectively. First noms, first wins. That’s life-affirming, to see someone recognized so long after their debut. That’s rare in this world. I know it makes me a total case for being so moved by the success of millionnaires who I have no direct touch with, but they are a part of my life and it moves me to see them honored and celebrated. Maybe one day they’ll be moved for me. Except Walter. He’ll be long expired via hookers and blow before I clinch my win for Best Original Song.
But that’s the future. Let’s assault the present with a quick breeze through some selected predictions.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Those who read my previous post are aware of my leanings on the Hathaway Campaign, during which we’ve endured months of her grossly gunning for the win with all the subtlety of an aircraft carrier. If you dig even further back into the bowels of my blogs, you’ll learn that before there was La Chastain in my life, there was Helen Hunt. Though I’d campaign for Helen to win every award on earth, and I think Amy Adams and Jacki Weaver were just neat in their nominated roles, we’re going to see Sally Field lose gracefully to the Princess of Genovia come Sunday night. Whistlestop Annie has made it impossible to imagine anyone else holding the gold this year, and Sally’s attempt at a legendary performance was hamstrung by the directing and screenplay weaknesses in Lincoln.
BEST ACTOR
Mmmmm…beef. It’s a delicious assortment of man-talent this year, and I’ll tell you from the get, I am truly stumped as to who will win. They all earned it with their performances, so it will come down to OSCAR’s favorite pastime: politics. If you don’t vote for Daniel Day-Lewis, you love slavery. If you don’t vote for Denzel, you love plane crashes. Forego Bradley Cooper and you offend Weinstein, which in Hollywood is worse than loving slavery. Hugh Jackman is the easy option, and Joaquin Phoenix is so jaw-droppingly amazing as a really unsavory guy in The Master that his character will eclipse his performance.
Please school me with your picks in the comments, because I have no clue.
BEST ORIGINAL SONG
Adele, “Skyfall”. Because duh.
There will be more predictions this week, loved ones, so keep your claws sharp. Also, we’ll discuss Seth MacFarlane’s decision to host the show as LL Cool J. Kidding, but wouldn’t that be ah-mah-zingh?
Stay turned to our Oscar Predictions and get your Oscar ballot ready for Sunday night!
