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In the words of Jon Snow, winter has come. Okay so he was talking about a fictitious land of murderous yet beautiful millennials, but it works for vast portions of North America too, because apparently 49 out of 50 states got snow this past week. (I assume Canada got snowed in too, but they were too polite to say.) For California that means I actually had to use an umbrella twice last weekend. For Bachelor Nation it means that the weather was perfect for cuddling up with
a reluctant loved one a glass of wine to criticize some women like our President Elect backstage at a beauty pageant. Grab your snuggie and your last shred of self-respect, The Bachelor is back.
Here are the top moments from Nick Viall’s second week on The Bachelor with gif reactions.
With the stress of the first night behind them, all 22 of Nick’s remaining girlfriends waited anxiously for Chris Harrison to arrive with the first date card. Chris tried to temper their expectations by saying it would be “physically impossible” for all of them to get a date this week, but the producers must have taken that as a challenge, because 12 women got called up to the big leagues. (Prepare yourself for a list of names that sound like they come from an dELiA*s catalogue circa 1997.) Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Brittany, Jasmine, Lacey, Raven, Danielle L., Elizabeth and Taylor hopped into a line of convertible Buicks the likes of which I haven’t seen since my last visit to my grandma’s retirement community. Off they went to the most perfect group date The Bachelor has ever planned: wedding photos.
No really, what else would guarantee drama like dressing women up in wedding gowns to take pretend wedding photos with the man they’re all dating? I live for this stuff. While Nick changed in and out of groom outfits (biker wedding, 80’s wedding, Adam and Eve wedding, shotgun wedding, beach wedding, etc.) the other women sipped wine and glared while their friends took turns kissing their boyfriend. And kiss him they did. At one point Elizabeth kissed him and declared that he “tastes like Danielle!” Classy.
Speaking of classy, did I mention the photographer? Franco Lacosta wore a matching floral print short/shirt combo while he hid behind his camera lens, porn-stache and creepy demeanor. I’m positive he honks at middle school girls while driving by in one of those vans with blacked out windows. You know who Franco loved? Corinne, the “business owner” with a nanny. Why? Obviously because she took her top off during her photo shoot and asked Nick to “Janet Jackson” her “bare bosoms”. Later, she said “No one has ever held my boobs like that.” But in the interest of full disclosure, I’m pretty sure she meant no one except Nick and an entire team of plastic surgeons.
Franco chose Corinne as the winner of the group date because she had the biggest connection with Nick, probably because his hands were literally connected to her bare breasts. Corinne took the win as permission to be completely insufferable for the rest of the group date. She “stole” Nick away from the other women multiple times and then had the nerve to be furious when Taylor returned the favor. This led to her lecturing the other women that, “It’s gonna get uncomfortable. It’s gonna get crazy. It’s gonna get weird.” And I was like, yes please.
Corinne is everything that is wrong with this show. I hope she never leaves.
Have I mentioned in the past 5 minutes that I don’t like Nick? Because I don’t. It’s not personal, we just have too much history: him being on this show 4 times and me not liking him on this show 4 times. You know, the usual. He has a nice body, an okay face, and the disconcerting habit of making his sexual history public when his partners would prefer to keep it private. Plus, on a good day he’s a mumbler, after drinking on a group date he’s basically incomprehensible. However, I have to hand it to the guy, he is pretty good at dating.
When he wasn’t holding Corinne’s breasts he was spending what little time he had talking to each of the women on his date. This is where Nick thrives. He is excellent at giving his full attention to the person he’s talking to. He asks pointed, personal questions and seems genuinely interested in hearing the responses. His time with Raven and Taylor was especially encouraging if you care about him finding love at the end of this thing (I don’t).
At the end of the season I think he’ll use his head to end up with someone who is equally genuine, but not at the end of this day because he gave Corinne the date rose. Nick’s baser instincts win again. Better luck next time.
Meanwhile back at the mansion, Liz decided she just couldn’t take being irrelevant anymore so she needed to tell Christen all about her past with Nick. I’m sure you wish you could forget, but Liz had a one night stand with Nick at a wedding about 9 months ago. After their encounter he asked for her number and she rejected him because “she didn’t know him like that.” That makes sense, because flying across the country to get to know someone on a reality dating show is much easier than just giving him your phone number. Anyway, Liz subjected poor Christen to Sex and the City levels of oversharing and then swore her to secrecy. Clearly, Liz is the type of person who only chooses truth in a game of Truth or Dare. Everyone knows those people don’t get invited to play Spin the Bottle and really, what is The Bachelor other than one giant game of Spin the Bottle?
Mark your Fantasy League scorecard, Danielle M. got the first one-on-one date of the season. Danielle, the 31 year-old Neonatal Nurse from Nashville, is sweet, smart, genuine, and beautiful. That is to say she’s completely boring. I don’t know how she and Nick managed to make landing a helicopter on a yacht boring, but well done because they did. They sipped wine in the requisite hot tub and then made a quick change for dinner where things got serious. Nick gave Danielle the CliffsNotes version of his dating history which made Danielle comfortable enough to share her own sad backstory. Five years ago Danielle found her fiance dead by drug overdose. She said she had no idea at the time that he was an addict and the whole tragedy was quite traumatizing. Nick responded maturely which Danielle appreciated since apparently she’s dated men who have dumped her over it in the past. That seems weird, but okay. They ended their date with Danielle receiving the date rose and a kiss while riding a ferris wheel. It was like a Nicholas Spark’s movie without characters I actually care about.
For the final group date of this week’s episode, Nick took 6 women to the Museum of Broken Relationships. (No really, that’s a thing. They tweeted me when I made fun of it.) Ironically, “Museum of Broken Relationships” is also the working title of Nick’s autobiography. (That’s not a thing, but it should be.) The museum exhibits consist of relics from, you guessed it, broken relationships, including the engagement ring Nick picked out for one of this ex-fiances. Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Christina, and Liz perused the depressing displays and then the date transitioned into this weird improv class. Each of the women had to improvise a breakup scene with Nick in front of an audience of bloodthirsty spectators. Where was my invitation?
The performances were expectedly cheesy and unexpectedly violent. Christen accused him of calling her fat, while Josephine slapped him across the face so hard I thought he was going to cry. Then “I can’t keep a secret” Liz used her breakup scene to tell their origin story from meeting 9 months ago at that wedding. She left off the one night stand part, but somehow twisted it around to the idea that he had rejected her by not fighting for her. I don’t know, it was bizarre. The audience and other women watched in complete confusion while Nick alternated between being furious and pretending to be confused. This is where he lost me again. Sure, that was a weird choice for Liz, but for Nick to say he was “living his nightmare” because he might have to tell everyone the truth was just ridiculous. This is the man who told the entire world he slept with Andi without her permission to do so. He has no room to talk. Liz was being obnoxious, but Nick reacted like a coward.
The unsung hero of this episode of Christen who served as Liz’s confidant, the producer’s mole and Nick’s informer. Most importantly, she gifted us with a facial reactions worthy of being immortalized in gif form. Whether it was her widened eyes when Liz gave her unsolicited details of her night with Nick or her face of unrepetent secondhand embarrassment while Liz acted out her breakup, Christen’s facial expressions were all of us watching at home.
Nick wasn’t done moping on this date, instead he spent the entire after party being paranoid about who knew what about his past with Liz. Rather than just talk to her head-on he avoided her and spoke to everyone else he possibly could first. Usually Jaimi’s announcement that she’s bi-sexual would be groundbreaking Bachelor material but it was glossed over for Nick’s continued obsession with Liz. Christen’s expressive face broke the news to him that she knew his secret and finally he had had enough. It was time to confront Liz.
They sat down to talk which consisted of Nick questioning Liz’s motives for being on the show and Liz making lame excuses for not contacting him anytime in the 9 months prior. In the end Nick decided that he simple didn’t want to
go back for seconds see if they could move on so he sent her home. Bye, Liz the Doula. I’m sorry we won’t get to see Nick witness a water birth at your hometown visit.
Nick returned to the rest of his harem where he explained that Liz had been sent home. Then he dropped the bomb that he knew her (in the biblical sense) from before the show. The women made some Christen-like facial expressions and then fade to black. To be continued. Jerks.
Next week Nick will have the distinct pleasure of telling all of America and his 21 girlfriends about another one of his sexual exploits. You’d think he’d be better at this by now. Women will inexplicably cry and get angry about something he did 9 months before any of them ever met him. It’ll make no sense and I’ll love every second of it.
What did you think of week two? Is Nick growing on you or is he on your last nerve? Did he make the right decision about Liz? Let’s talk in the comments!
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