If you are unfamiliar with that scenario, you can get much the same experience from this week’s episode of Vikings. From the trailers for the rest of the season, we know that some amzing conflicts are on the horizon, but the Vikings just can’t seem to pack their shit up and move out!!
Here’s a look at the what’s holding up the badassery this week
Bjorn vs the Mediterranean
Bjorn found the map to the Mediterranean like one thousand episodes ago*, and yet he is still lounging around Kattegatt, shooting the shit with the Seer, and awaiting the many calamities promised by Ragnar’s return. What is the hold-up?
Hold-up #1: Rollo
Bjorn needs to cut through Rollo’s terrtory in order to safely achieve his spoils. But does Rollo still have any allegiance to his Norse family? Only one way to find out: if Rollo kills the messengers Bjorn sends, it’s a no-go. Hey, that sounds like a great job!
#worstjobever
Hold-up #2: Worst and Worster
We know from last season’s Frankish soldier BBQ that King Harald and his bro Halfdan are just the worst, so what would a Viking raid be without them!
But setting up how “the worst” they are going to be is very time consuming. First, King Harald needs to make a loaded remark about the difficulty of overthrowing King Ragnar to become the ruler of all Norway. Then Halfdan has to be a condescending arse to Ivar, taunting him about how much he’d like to go if he just wasn’t so crippled. Then lastly, they need to rekindle their dysfunctional relationship with Floki, which Floki kicks off by making an adorable farting duck noise to announce his presence.
Which just reminds us of how Floki used to be a weirdo for Ragnar. Which reminds of that lost dysfunctional relationship. Which makes us hate those guys even more.
Hold-up #3: Hair braiding
While I support the strong alliance between Bjorn and Hvitsik, aka Ragnar’s “sons of the bestest hair”, I suspect their overly complicated ‘dos are causing some serious delays. There’s the braiding, and the shaving, and the wrapping, and the teasing, and the taking of the time out to recreate this video:
Get your hair-shit together, ladies. It’s time to move out!
*Three. It was three episodes ago.
Lagertha vs Aslaug
You guys! We know that these two finally come to blows this season, but they are still just circling aound one another. What is the hold up?
Hold up #1: Looking for a reason to hate Aslaug just a little bit more.
Lagertha knows that Aslaug is running Kattegatt into the ground, and that it is time for her to step in. Last week she expressed doubts about being ready – I mean, she hates Aslaug, but does she really hate Aslaug? This week Lagertha arrived in Kattegatt to send Bjorn off, and Aslaug was happy to help Lagertha answer that question. You see, Lagertha suggests that, because they both have sons departing on the journey, that they co-officiate the blessings. To which Aslaug answers:
Oh, I think she’s got it, A.
Lagertha arrives at the festivities to find that Aslaug has done the blessings without her. Lagertha finds her, drugged out on the magicks and rocking some Outlander-inspired chunky knitwear, and imparts a few blessings of her own:
Hold up #2: GTFO Ragnar
Lagertha is ready to fight for Kattegatt, but we determined last week that, while she finds Ragnar’s leadership skills lacking, she still loves him and has no desire to unseat him. In short: Ragnar, you need to get yourself gone to clear the path for a queen-on-QUEEN smackdown!
Yassssssssss.
Ragnar vs Ecbert The World
Ragnar is set to avenge the loss of his settlement at the hands of King Ecbert of Wessex, but, in realty, his fight is against the world that left him behind while he was sulking in the outback. In order to regain some dignity, he has to get back out and Viking, but it is not proving to be that easy. What’s the hold-up?
Hold-up #1: Boats
Ragnar, you need boats? Bjorn’s got boats.
Solved. What’s next?
Hold-up #2: Men
Okay, so he also needs men, which is not going to be easy because everybody would really rather hit that fun in the Mediterranean sun, than trudge off to gloomy ole Wessex, and also because this:
Turns out, people are pretty mad that Ragnar abandoned the Wessex settlement, and kept news of its fate quiet. But Ragnar is apparently shown a vision by the lesser known Norse goddess “Oprah-ya,” who knows a little something about inspiring devotion:
Watching Ragnar stoop to bribing the bottom of the Kattegatt barrel for me is soooooooo painful!!! His sons are totally second-hand embarrassed for him, and the humiliation and disgust that passes across Rag’s face is yet another testament to the expressiveness of Travis’s face.
You.are.killing.me.
Hold-up #3: Ivar’s Permission Slip
At this point, Ivar is the most competent, and most potentially deadly, of Ragnar’s team. But when Aslaug finds out Ivar is joining the raid, she furiously summons Ragnar to give him a piece of her mind.
Ragnar goes on the offense with some heartfelt contrition, and almost makes me feel empathy for her horribleness:
You suffered my words and my neglect, but you never turned our sons against me.”
#truth
Hold-up #4: One Giant-Ass Storm
Ragnar and Ivar finally get on the open seas, only to face the very storm Aslaug foresaw in her visions of Ivar’s death.
If only Aslaug had been around to forestall this tragedy
This was an awesome scene – the shot of the boats dwarfed by the giant wave, the resigned look that Rags gives Ivar as the boat is about to be engulfed, Ragnar’s panicked attempt to free Ivar from the mast – loved it! I want more action!!!
Which brings me to:
Katy Grace vs Vikings Season 4B
There were some great parts of this episode, but we were promised that the first 2 epsiodes of 4B were going to be the best ever, and i’m not feeling it yet. What’s the hold-up?
Hold-up (all of them): ROLLO
Where is he? I needs me more Rollo! Let’s get this party started already!!!!
Odin hear our cries!
Join us next week when (hopefully) all the fighting begins!
Catch all of our Vikings recaps here!
All Vikings images are courtesy of the History Channel
