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I‘ve already acknowledged my Channing Tatum problem. The disease has progressed to such an extent that I have accepted my fate: this is a condition I now live with. I’m not here to offer a defense or explanation, it just is what it is.
Every time a new Channing Tatum movie comes out, my friend Ali and I hit up the local theater (that happens to serve wine in solo cups) and make a night of it. The long wait for Magic Mike nearly ruined us, but it was all too worth it.
Now it seems that Magic Mike is headed for Broadway, and I’m conflicted. Do I want this? Is it even Magic Mike without Channing/Mike himself? Wait–WILL IT BE CHANNING HIMSELF? Regardless, the story (I guess there was a “plot,” sort of?) could use some retooling. To freshen things up, I offer this humble suggestion:
For a film called Magic Mike, there’s not a whole lot of magicking. Let’s send those boys to Hogwarts! Sorting hat, take it away: Obviously Alex Pettyfer is a Malfoy. Mike Himself is The Chosen One (of stripping). Ken Doll/Matt Bomer is pretty and kind of an airhead, so it’s Hufflepuff for him (Freudian slip of the century when I just typed “Bufflepuff.”) And Big Dick Richie has the classic dark and brooding features of a Ravenclaw.
The gang gets shipped off to Hogwarts to learn the basics of stripping magic. You see, with great stripping comes great responsibility. You can’t just go out there and take your clothes off all willy-nilly, or someone’s bound to get hurt. At Hogwarts, these young thong wizards learn to master their craft and leave no hair unwaxed.
Oh, and–ladies? Dumbledore’s been working out.
The team’s mentor is Hagrid, who was once a stripper himself, but whose waxing routine became far too painful and elaborate to maintain. He hangs out in the Forbidden Forest, which just seems…fitting.
The stripping wizards learn the ropes (poles?) from Dumbledore, but some are tempted by evil along the way. Dumbledore takes young Pettyfer/Malfoy to the Mirror of Erised for a heart to heart.
When he gazes into the mirror, Malfoy sees only drugs, power, and Tampa. Dumbledore knows he is destined to become a Bad Stripper, but is powerless to stop him.
Malfoy and Mike, fast rivals, challenge each other to a duel in the grand hall. Onlookers are stunned.
She’s had enough of these boys and their fantastic, sexy magic. She wants the attention for herself, and seeks to destroy Mike in particular. She claims they have “a connection” and he is “destined for something better.” Better than THIS?!
Impossibly, Lord Bitchmort is not impressed. She thinks Mike should use these powers for evil, like furniture making, and will stop at nothing to make it so.
Can the young wizards defeat Lord Bitchmort and use their sexual magic for good? Will PETRIFICUS TOTALUS be uttered, at any point? (Beth thinks so!)
This is merely a draft, and I think we should continue to brainstorm. Magic Mike and the Sorcerer’s Bone. Now that’s what I want to see on Broadway. Let’s make it happen.