The Bachelor in Paradise season finale gave us expected break-ups, mystery fantasy suites, the moment Dean realized he needs therapy, another unnecessary DeMario/Corinne interview, and maybe even true love (but probably not).
This week on Bachelor in Paradise: Jack Stone kissed everyone, America hates Dean, Christen really loves scallops, no one likes Blake, and the twins finally arrived. If this is what qualifies as paradise we should all take our chances in hell.
Millions of people world wide watched John Snow make dragon babies with his auntie earlier this week, so ya’ll can stop judging us for watching Bachelor in Paradise any time now, thanks.
Fortunately for Robby, Amanda needed an excuse to break things off with Alex the mini-marine. Unfortunately for Robby, he chose to dress up like a cruise ship Pee Wee Herman impersonator and sweat like a glazed Christmas ham.
This week on The Bachelorette, Rachel was supposed to take her three boyfriends on fantasy overnight dates in Spain. People, I can not overstate my level of preparedness for the glorious awkwardness that is the fantasy suite episode. A pillow to hide behind when things got uncomfortable? Check. Ear plugs to drown out the inevitable lip smacking? Got ’em. A list of ridiculous innuendos prepared for your recapping enjoyment? Obviously. So you can imagine my dismay when most of the episode took place in Rachel’s family home in Dallas since her sister was too pregnant to travel. It’s bad enough that pregnancy took over most of my twenties, does it really need to ruin my Monday night shame watch too? Thanks a lot, Rachel’s sister’s womb.
The Bachelorette’s hometown dates featured a death threat, every black friend Peter has ever had, three declarations of love and one seriously uncomfortable confrontation between Dean and his dad that I hope to never relive. Don’t worry, we watched it so you didn’t have to.
This week The Bachelorette, Rachel whittled her half dozen boyfriends down to the four who will make it to the hometown dates. Before that can happen we’ll need to attend a Catholic mass, pretend to like an expensive watch, almost get hypothermia on a dog sled, and watch Rachel cry over a man we’ve never seen before. How can you resist?
Don’t worry, The Bachelorette wasn’t all a reenactment of the Civil War. This week’s episodes also featured rappelling off a phallic ski jump, traveling to Scandinavia in the middle of winter, hot men in unitards, and a Viking reenactment that resulted in bloodshed.
Tensions were on the rise for Rachel and her band of never’ll-be-married men. Lucky for us, week four gave us a blimp ride, a push-up contest, a spelling bee, and some casual racism from this season’s villain.