This week Colton and his baker’s dozen arrived in Thailand where the water is green and their hair is frizzy. Once again, humidity is the great equalizer for women of all levels of attractiveness. Speaking of wet hair, can we talk about how Colton seems to sniff out every outdoor shower on the continent of Asia? I think we were supposed to be in awe of the physique he has built by shaking heavy ropes, but I was too concerned that he would swallow waterborne pathogens to fall for that.
Never Been Kissed
The first one-on-one date in Thailand went to 23 year-old Heather who probably has a job other than “girl who has never been kissed” but we’ll never know for sure. Heather emphasized her excitement over their date at a floating market by saying “I’m so excited” over and over again while waving her long arms around like one of those blow up air dancers you see outside of a car wash. Everything about Heather is long. Her limbs, her neck, her hair, even the way she stares at Colton’s sparse mustache is full of longing. Her lips were ready, but first Colton wanted to know how she managed to have a boyfriend for 8 months without ever being kissed. I can answer that question; he wasn’t a boyfriend. Two people who hang out for 8 months without kissing are called friends. In the end Heather’s general adorableness garnered her the date rose from Colton, but it wasn’t until literal fireworks were exploding over their heads that he gave her her very first kiss.
Another One Bites The Dust
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Elyse came down with a bug. A jealousy bug. When Heather returned to tell all of the women about the world’s most hyped first kiss, Elyse dressed in a white backless gown, pulled her hair into an updo and went off to ruin Colton’s night by quitting the show. Elyse told a shell-shocked Colton that she wouldn’t be able to accept a proposal from him at the end of this experience because, she wants “the time and attention that a relationship deserves.” Excuse me, miss but what show do you think you signed up for?
Will Their Love Survive
Colton took a little me-time to wallow in the fact that he could still experience rejection. Then he and ten of the women (everyone except for Heather and Cassie, Google it if you care that much) put on matching white shirts, messy pony tails, and loose cargo pants to traipse through the jungles of Thailand. A survival guide named Joe* taught them how to forage for food and made them hold various dangerous species like scorpions and snakes.
*To be clear, there’s virtually no chance that man who “grew up in the jungle” was named Joe, but whitewashing is kinda The Bachelor’s thing so don’t act surprised.
Obviously the women pretended to like being split into three groups for a survival competition, because that’s what women do when they’re trying to lock down a man. Just ask my husband if I still play poker (spoiler: I don’t). But Demi and both Hannah’s became the real winners when they left the jungle during the competition to order burgers and champagne from the apparently nearby hotel.
These After Parties Seem Miserable
That evening they washed down their malaria pills with cocktails at the after party. Tayshia (divorced phlebotomist) rode the wake of last week’s one-on-one date by lighting a floating lantern on the beach with Colton. Hannah B. flashed her unflappable beauty queen smile and haltingly admitted she’s falling in love. No you’re not, but okay. But the real focus of the night was on Onyeka, who told Colton that Nicole isn’t here for the right reasons. Here we go again. Nicole was devastated, but Colton put the conflict on pause when he gave Hannah B. the date rose and ended the night.
Cassie Has Chemistry
The only note I took during Cassie and Colton’s one-on-one date was the word “hot” underlined three times. These two have chemistry. It didn’t matter if they were cuddling on a boat, kissing on their private island, or having dinner in his hotel suite. When they’re on screen together it works. Although, was anyone else wondering where they go to the bathroom on that sandbar? I need answers.
Cassie and Colton took a break from making out to talk about her fear that people will judge her for not being a virgin. Maybe it’s being in my thirties but I’m tired of shame playing such an important role in people’s lives. Live your life, do your best, treat people well, apologize when you make mistakes and do better next time. Anything else is more drama than you need. Except the fight that’s still to come, I need that drama, obviously. Their relationship was solidified on this date and Cassie got the date rose.
Not Enough Cocktails in the World for this Party
View this post on Instagram
Let me just cut to the chase and say the cocktail party evolved around Nicole and Onyeka’s disagreement. Nicole was mad that Onyeka defamed her. Onyeka doesn’t know how to admit she was wrong. They sat across from one another and bickered at increasing volume levels until Colton stood up and walked off the set and the screen faded to black. To be continued. Okay, fine, but we all know they’re both going to be sent home. Can we talk about Kirpa’s band aid instead?
What do you think is going to happen when the cocktail party continues next week? How hard did you cringe when Sydney asked Colton to “whack my weeds”? He’s totally going to make beautiful babies with Cassie right? Let’s talk in the comments!