If watching Crazy, Rich Asians didn’t convince you that you need to plan a visit to Singapore immediately, then watching Colton’s chaste harem exhibit every stereotype of Americans in Asia should do it. Prepare yourself for many pairs of white sneakers and loud voices in restaurants.
This Show Takes Its Puns Too Seriously
The first date card in Singapore said “Let’s fall in love,” which led 28 year-old Phlebotomist, Tayshia, to believe she and Colton would be visiting waterfalls on their one-one-one date. Guess again, sucker, this is The Bachelor. Instead she and Colton bonded over their shared fear of heights by bungee jumping off of a tower with the hope that the Australian ex-pat tightening the ropes knew what he was doing. Good thing he did because the only thing below the bungee tower was a pool and I’ve seen Wild Hearts Can’t be Broken enough times to know better.
Of course, nothing bonds like the fear of impending death (just ask my children at mealtime when I’m cooking) so Tayshia and Colton capped off the day by making out in the ocean and eating dinner together that night. Tayshia opened
more than her tonsils up to Colton when she confessed that she was recently divorced from her first boyfriend. Colton could totally relate because his parents are divorced. Okay big guy, not the same thing, but you’re cute and you’re giving her the date rose so she’ll pretend she agrees.
If you thought bungee jumping was a bad date wait until you hear about what happened the next day when Colton took 13 women out to explore Singapore together. Thirteen women. T-H-I-R-T-E-E-N. I haven’t been shared something in common with that many women at one time since my all the girls in my college dorm synced menstrual cycles. This date was only slightly less scarring.
When they weren’t fighting over piggyback rides on Colton they were shopping in a local outdoor tourist market and getting leech therapy. That’s not a metaphor for their behavior, they were literally being sucked on by leeches. Then a real high point came when Cassie (looks like a blonde Megan Fox) and Colton got their fortunes read by a local man who told them they were siblings in a past life. No red flag there. But wait, there’s more, no date in a foreign country would be complete without eating local delicacies like bullfrog and pig intestine while gagging.
Not A Great Party
I’m not saying The Bachelor’s drink limit isn’t working but I am saying they may want to adjust it according to the the contestant’s weight because some of them were feeling the sake at the after party. Lucky for Colton that meant he ended up with Disney eyes Hannah G. in his hotel room for a little PG-13 one-on-one time and he got to kiss Cassie despite it possibly being past-life incest.
Unluckily for Colton it also meant that Hannah B. (there are more Hannah’s on this season than you could find in an Amish school house) wanted to rehash last week’s argument with Caelynn while wearing her beauty queen grin. Truly, she never stops smiling. She smiled the same way when she was eating fish eyes and being sucked on by a leech as she did talking to Colton. It’s disconcerting. Ultimately, Colton told Hannah B. that he likes them both and he doesn’t care if they don’t get along as long as it doesn’t cause drama with him. Which Hannah B. was fine with – I think – it’s hard to tell with all the smiling.
The real fun came from this season’s not-villain Demi when she dared to speak to Colton for a second time instead of waiting for Courtney to get her turn. But let’s be real, Courtney was never going to get the nerve up to talk to him. This is The Bachelor, if you want
screen time Colton, you take him. You don’t wait around for him to come to you (unless you’re Hannah G. or Cassie because he actually likes them).
Courtney turned her internalized rejection into misplaced aggression when she confronted Demi which gave us my favorite quote from the night from Demi when she said, “you have the right to feel that way and I have the right to not care.” Never pick a fight with a woman whose mom just got released from federal prison. Lesson learned and Demi got the date rose.
Crazy, Rich, Caelynn
At this point the only person who gets around more than Colton is the director of Singapore’s tourism board. Give that person a raise because they really nailed it when they planned Caelynn’s one-on-one date which showcased the decadence of Singapore’s shopping district. Then again, I don’t quite understand the fantasy of an all-day designer shopping spree while a man you barely know ogles you and buys your affection. If I wanted a stranger to pay me to try on clothes I’d just answer one of those Craigslist ads that serial killers post. Speaking of murder, you should have seen the faces of the other women when Caelynn returned to their hotel suite laden in shopping bags. Nothing sparks jealousy more than a pair of chunky heels that your shared boyfriend picked out for another woman.
Things Get Serious
At dinner that evening, in a surprisingly mature conversation considering the setting, Caelynn told Colton that she was drugged and raped at a party in college. She shared details about her trauma and the ripple effect it had on her life and her family member’s lives. For obvious reasons this was not an easy story to listen to both as a viewer and as Colton, but I was impressed with how it was handled. Not only did Caelynn’s story give space for her to be vulnerable but it also allowed Colton to be more open about the complex circumstances surrounding his virginity. Colton didn’t name names – and I won’t here either although it’s easily Googled – but his ex-girlfriend and first love was also a victim of sexual assault which made physical intimacy triggering for her. Colton, like Caelynn’s family, was effected by the ripple effect of sexual violence as so many of us are. I’m grateful for their conversation despite the oddness of it being on a show like The Bachelor. As for Caelynn and Colton, their shared vulnerability has cemented their connection for the foreseeable future…or at least until hometown dates.
Now that Caelynn bared her soul to Colton and all of America it was going to be a little difficult to swallow her ongoing battle of the beauty queens feud with Hannah B. so they quashed it with a letdown of an apology. Is there an honorary award for passive aggressiveness at Miss USA, because we have two contenders here. I, for one, am going to miss hearing Hannah B. call Caelynn “the other,” but don’t worry Courtney and Demi still have another round in them to keep things interesting.
Demi is no dummy so she quickly realized that she needed to poison the well with Colton before Courtney could get to him first. It’s a dog eat dog world and Demi is one of those scrappy chihuahuas who keeps escaping the animal shelter. Would I have chosen to call Courtney the “cancer of the house”? No. Did it work? Yup. Not only did it get under Courtney’s skin but, since Demi was already safe with the date rose, she had no true recourse. In the end Courtney and Demi’s other nemesis, Tracy were sent home during the rose ceremony. Say what you want about Demi, but she knows how to play the game.
Next week Colton and his thirteen remaining girlfriends will be in Thailand where Heather will try to get her first kiss and Hannah B. will confess she’s falling in love. What could possibly go wrong? Let’s talk about this episode in the comments!